Update..

Goodness gracious I can’t even believe we are already a third of the way through July.. Where in the world is 2017 going and why is it going so fast!? Welp, nothing I can do about that.. How about an update for you guys since it’s been a good long while since I posted much of anything on here (my bad..).

Let’s start with Brittany, so, if you haven’t read any of my last blog posts, my twin sister suffers from Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, PCOS for short, and it causes a lot of fertility problems, along with some sugar problems that go hand in hand with diabetes as well as improper fat storage causing weight gain, which in turn helps with the lack of fertility.. It’s a gigantic jumble of things that all conspire against her having a baby. Now, a year ago, when she and her husband first found out that having a baby was going to be a lot harder than either of them anticipated, they pretty much gave up and said “It’s in God’s hands”. Now, that wouldn’t have been a problem at all if they had even TRIED the suggestions from the doctors on how to help with the possibly infertility. Since then though, I am super happy to report that Brittany has been on Weight Watchers and has lost more than 30 pounds. She’s down enough weight that her doctors have put her on an ovulation medication to help her and Casey try to get pregnant on their own. They’ve both had their fertility tests done, which did NOT happen last year when they “stopped” trying or caring about having a baby naturally, and they seem to be moving in a really positive direction as far as that is all concerned. I am happy for them and now that they are both trying to actually make things work, I think they are both in a much better place to actually raise a baby if it comes down to that. On a side note, Britt has agreed to be my maid-of-honor! Which is always exciting! More on the wedding side of things to come further in the update.

So, let’s move on to my other sister.. I THINK I wrote about Brooklyn’s adventure down the river and the attack of the water turkeys, but in case I didn’t, here’s a short recap.. Her boyfriend took her down the river in his boat for a joyride and thought it would be fun to speed up and scare a flock of water turkeys off the water (for the record, water turkeys are actually a REAL thing..). Needless to say, the water turkeys didn’t start to take off until the boat hit them at warp speed, a water turkey went through the plexi-glass windshield on the boat and shattered it. It sliced into Brooklyn’s hand and when she went to the ER they cleaned it all out and stitched her up and sent her on her way. Fast forward to a few weeks, about a month or so ago now.. and she has intense pain and swelling in this hand as well as a hard knot on the tendon. Initial scans indicated her tendon had been nicked by some of the windshield and was healing in a cyst type fashion causing a problem, including pain and swelling. So she had to have surgery. Well, imagine the doctors surprise when they get in there and she actually has TWO pieces of glass inside her sowed up hand! One piece was the “knot” on her tendon since it was stuck in the tendon.. Somehow the ER doctor “missed” the glass when she was cleaning the wound. Well, she had the clean out surgery about a week and a half ago and got the stitches out this morning. Her hand has healed up very nicely, she now has her full range of motion back, no pain, no swelling. Which is all good since she is in her second or third year of her bachelor’s in nursing program. I feel bad since I honestly am not sure how many years she’s been in the program or how many she has left.. Things have just gotten crazy in our giant family. There’s a lot happening all the time.

Now we will go ahead and move on to the brother who somehow thinks just because he had a birthday he is a grown man. He learned quick, fast and in a hurry that that’s not entirely true. He moved in with me and Bobby for the summer since he has been working with an internship here in town and it’s a much shorter drive for him from my house than my parents house and we all thought it would be a good way for him to kind of dip his toes into the town where he will be going to college here in just a month or so. However, this has been an interesting experience for everyone all around. First off, he thinks since he is 18 now he doesn’t have to listen to anyone anymore. Wrong. He hasn’t really contributed to any household chores at my house, which isn’t entirely surprising since he didn’t really help at my parent’s house either, but then he kept giving me random, and rather expensive, grocery list requests, again, he hasn’t been contributing financially, or in the household as far as chores and things that need to be done outside.. So that wasn’t a ton of fun. He keeps his game systems on ALWAYS. So my electric bill went up a little bit and he used up all of my internet for the month, in 3 days.. I live in a pretty rural area where there is no such thing as a high speed internet that runs constantly and always when you want it too with no limit. I would love to say we established some ground rules and he listened, but that’s not the case. Now, I know I sound grumpy about him being there, but I really didn’t mind having a house guest, the extra expenditures weren’t a super big deal, but I was counting on him to help me with some things, like mowing the grass, and helping feed the animals, and letting the dogs out during the day when he was home and I needed to stay at work late. And those things didn’t always, or really ever, happen. Now we get into the good stuff, Bobby and I were on vacation rather recently to celebrate the 4th of July by checking out the wedding chapel we have booked. Brad was supposed to be at the house watching the animals so they didn’t have to travel and stay at my parents. Well, imagine our surprise when we get home and the dogs are gone and so is my brother.. He just never bothered with the dogs in the first place and took and left them at my parents house, then scheduled with my mom for HER to drive up to my house everyday to feed Jax. Which is not only out of the way, it’s dumb when we already had a plan in place. When we got home, we got a bit more of the story, and apparently he was inviting friends to be at our house while we were not there, when we had asked him not to have anyone over. When my parents found out, they moved him and the dogs back to their house and had him ride to work with my mom since she works some of the time in an office here in town. It was an interesting turn of events. Now he is finishing his internship with some traveling to and through North Carolina. I am curious to see what happens when he comes home, so that’s to be continued. As a side note/question, does anyone else have younger brothers and how in the world do you manage them?!

So, I guess we can move on to all of the things that have been going on with me and Bobby here lately. As you read above, we took off on a vacation, we were supposed to come home married, but… it didn’t quite work out that way so we are still engaged only and waiting until next year to get married. We have decided to keep our Las Vegas venue for next year, so that means everyone who wants to attend is in charge of traveling for a little bit, although I don’t think a vacation is going to be bad for them. It’s not like they would take one without us forcing their hand anyways. We did compromise with our parents about hosting a reception here when we get back since they want everyone to be involved and invited. So when we got back from our trip we booked a reception venue and started shopping for decorations and caterers. Turns out, every time we price something else out, I end up just a little bit more convinced we should have run off.. but his is what they wanted to do for us and we are just going to be okay with what they want to do. I have already been to a wedding show since I got back, and it looks like I am scheduled to go to another one here in just a few weeks. My sister is keeping me in check! I keep reminding her we still have almost a year, but everywhere I look says that you should definitely start planning things 10-12 months in advance so maybe she knows a little bit about what she is talking about. We are scheduled to go try on dresses and maybe get a good idea on what styles we are wanting next month for our birthday. I have decided I HAVE to get back on track with some sort of diet or I won’t fit in any of the dresses I have been looking at in a way that is in any way shape or form flattering. I have been super lax about my diet and my gym-going here lately, but I think that’s for another blog post. Maybe this afternoon we can get into the insecurities that seem to rule my life, but not right now. As it stands though, wedding dress trying on was put on hold this weekend at the wedding show. I do know that trying to maintain a full time job, plan a wedding, a wedding reception, and a vacation for September is really too much to ask for. I feel like my focus is split into a million pieces. We are only going back on vacation in September because I have already bought a vacation and now all the dates are blacked out on when to use it except the ones that we already booked on. It was supposed to be our honeymoon but again, wedding date had to be moved. All in all though, despite all the craziness, things are going well. We’re busy, like normal, but that’s nothing new or exciting. We do have a lot going on right now at work. I still feel really behind with all of my casework and things, but that’s just something that I will have to fix by getting in the back and making it happen. No one can do that for me. Something else to think about and work on. As I said, my focus feels like it’s split in a million directions.. I am sure there are a lot of things I forgot to mention, but until the next time they will just have to keep.

Thanks for taking a break out of your day to take a glimpse into my crazy life.

Update

So, where in the world do I start?! I feel like a lot has happened in the last.. 2 or 3 weeks or so.

I guess we could always start with the diet part of things. I have (for now at least) managed to get back on the weight watchers bandwagon. I am down 5.4 pounds this week so I am pleased and feeling motivated to keep going. So for now I am going to keep counting what I eat, exercising and getting in lot’s of movement. I think today is the first day since Sunday I haven’t been to the gym, and that’s only because the lab is short staffed at the moment and I didn’t want to leave anyone here on their own. Besides, I was planning to run a half-marathon (my 2nd one!) on Saturday but it’s been postponed due to rain. I might see if my fiancé wants to go run the track tonight. We are supposed to be going to watch my brother play soccer.

That in and of itself is a reason to start a new paragraph on updates, my brother recently went to his Academic Team All-State Tournament where his team took 2nd! So not only does he have a state champion ring from last year for Academic Team they won their District this year, lost state but.. he still went to All-State. Only the top 36 students in our state got to go and they did very well. Not only did he win Districts for Academic Team, he also plays tonight in the playoffs for soccer, his team won District Champion for that as well. Which is also exciting. I hope they do well tonight. I think he deserves to have a wonderful senior year. I think it will make up for my terrible senior year!

Another round of updates, my sister has joined weight watchers, this might have been previously mentioned in another post but we are trying this weight loss thing together. We have been swapping recipes and working out together. Training for runs. She even talked to her boss about sponsoring our running so we can do more runs for less money. Which is super exciting when you think about it. One run can cost anywhere from $20 to $70 depending on the distance, the type of race, and location of the run, not to mention who is putting the run on.. She is slowly losing weight now and it’s a wonderful thing for her. She already looks like she has a new lease on life. She is trying to work on her before she and Casey try to work on their potential family. Not only that but her weight loss has spurned Casey to start moving more too and he is losing weight as well. I am keeping them both in my prayers that they can get what they want out of life. Be that a child or not.

Yet another update, like I said, it feels like there has been a lot more time passing by than just a few weeks since my last post.. Bobby has had a birthday! He’s now 26, officially closer to 30 than 20. He seems to be adjusting to it just fine too. He had to work on his actual birthday but he is home this weekend and I have plans to take him and our family out to celebrate. Cake will definitely be included. I just haven’t decided which kind yet. Probably an ice cream cake or a cheesecake. He likes both of those and so does everyone else that I can think of. Not that they really matter since it’s HIS birthday party of course.

I think we have come to an agreement about this whole wedding thing too. Probably part of why it’s easier to be motivated in all honesty.. now that we have some sort of a plan. I think we are going to elope. Legitimately run away and get married in Las Vegas. We are planning for the 4th of July. Always something to do on our big anniversaries that way! Then we may plan for a reception at some later date as well. One that my family and his can attend that takes some of the stress off of us. Not to mention some of the financial burdens.. I don’t want my parents to have to stress out about the cost of a big wedding and reception especially after Brittany and Casey’s wedding.. Casey and Bobby have a gigantic family that makes it difficult to plan anything even remotely intimate which is what Bobby and I are wanting. Now, I wouldn’t have been opposed to a small intimate destination wedding with 20 or 30 people on the beach but even our immediate family couldn’t have stayed under that number of people.. At least with a big reception we have plenty of time to plan and budget and send out invitations to everyone. Parties are always a good time! So now, I have just a couple of months to SECRETLY plan a wedding and spend a ton of money on flights, hotels, and a dress and suit for Bobby and I. I have a ton of plans though on how to make it happen. I know how much I can get round trip airfare and a hotel for a week for, and I have great plans on where to buy a dress and how to get it to and from Las Vegas from.. NOT Las Vegas without it getting messed up.. I think we can do the entire trip for just under $2000. Which isn’t bad to me for a mini vacation AND a wedding.. That’s actually less than we paid for our last cruise so win-win as far as I am concerned!

As for me, I am doing alright, just trying to get through work and keep my motivation for that going strong. I am glad this month is almost over because I could definitely use some time off, or maybe just some time with Bobby being home. Either of those would be nice. Good thing he is home this weekend! I think that’s going to be it for updates from me for now.. I am sure I will post something else soon. Brook is almost done with her semester and Bradley graduates in less than a month, so much craziness happening!

Jumping Back on the Bandwagon

So.. if you saw my last post you know I have really been fighting to get my weight under control or to reach a point where I even wanted to get my decisions (AKA don’t put ALL the food in my mouth..) under control. Well, that moment has happened.

I have been paying for Weight Watchers for almost 18 months now. I was down 21 pounds. Which after being stuck on a plateau for MONTHS was amazing! Well, imagine my extreme heartbreak when I went back to my meeting for the first time in about a month yesterday after steady gains for the last 3 or 4 months… and I am only down 2 pounds from where I started. I have put back on almost 20 pounds. Since December. Well.. maybe October.. I got stressed about the church thing, then I was on vacation and then the holidays.. As you can see, it’s a never ending list of excuses for me.

Needless to say, after yesterday, I had a real eye opening moment. Now, don’t get me wrong. I haven’t completely jumped off the diet bandwagon. I still go to the gym religiously. I still get outside and work out there. But I haven’t watched what I eat in months. And I can feel it. And see it. And clearly the scale can see it too. It was a devastating moment to see that everything I have been working towards has literally slid away. At least for now.

So I got on to myself and decided that I was done with that lifestyle. I guess that’s just what I needed to see. I needed to hit that breaking point. And as terrible as it is/was, I think it will make for a good starting point. There is so much that I could be doing differently. Things I used to do but stopped.

Now, I know that this wedding planning, if it ever gets started… is going to be incredibly stressful, but it would be nice to have some sort of cushion for those bad days. I am not going to get to my goals if I don’t quit being lazy and find some motivation to change my diet. I can’t keep eating chocolate bars, bags of skittles, cake, cookies.. greasy cheeseburgers and fries, pizza.. I need to take control of what I am putting into my body.

Now this is all well and good to say, but can I stick with it? I don’t have any idea. I know I want too. I want to be better about what I am eating. Less stressed every time I go to think about food.

Besides, who am I trying to kid? I want to look good.. I want to be pretty.. I want Bobby to be proud of me. To be happy to show me off. I want to be proud of me.. I want to feel comfortable in my skin.. I have never known that feeling. I am one of the most insecure people in the world. Granted you wouldn’t know that if you were to talk to me. I have a very boisterous and flirty personality. But it hides a lot of pain and insecurities.

I will tell you a story about when Bobby and I first started to get together. We started out as a casual fling type of relationship. We were just hanging out, enjoying a physical relationship, and he was helping me train and lose weight. That was it. He told me to keep dating other people and he would date other people so no one would suspect anything was going on between us. Not exactly a flattering start is it? Well it all came to a screeching halt when he started to seriously date someone. Someone who was NOT me. I wasn’t aware of that until his mother told me. We had still been together throughout that time. So I told him he needed to make a decision, me or her. He couldn’t have us both. And by some miracle, he chose me.

Now, if you’ve made it this far you’re probably wondering what in the world that has to do with getting back on a diet bandwagon. Well let me explain, I lost a LOT of my weight during that point in time. I wanted him to like me. To be proud to be seen with me. To be smaller and prettier than the other girl in the picture.. And it almost became an obsession. So now I am in a near constant fear that he will leave me if I gain too much weight, or if he just one day wakes up and finds me unattractive. Not only that, but he didn’t tell people we were actually together until we had been living together for almost a year. So, you can see where the wanting him to be proud of me comes into play.

I wish I could say that when we get married that fear will go away, but I don’t think it will. I need to work on my relationship with myself and to see if I can get some sort of self confidence back.

I know the way this relationship has started probably sounds a bit sketchy, but I can assure you it has since progressed into an incredibly fulfilling relationship. We are quite happy together. We have a good life. A lot of my insecurity stems from previous relationships as well as how this one started. My first serious boyfriend all the way back in high school was abusive. Told me I wasn’t worth anything and that no one else would want me and I was lucky to have him. Then the next boyfriend, also in high school, was much more interested in anime porn as opposed to any sort of actual relationship outside his computer, talk about that being an ego killer. I couldn’t even compete with Japanese animated girls. Then came Aaron.. My first ever SERIOUS boyfriend. College boyfriend. It was a thing. And it was terrible. There was sexual, mental, verbal and emotional abuse.. It was a never-ending cycle. Until one day he left. I felt so incredibly worthless. That was one of the lowest points in my life. I gained about 100 pounds after that and it was a really dark time.

That’s when my weight shame spiral started. And it has been a roller coaster ever since. I’ve had a lot of issues regarding my weight. I am a twin. Now, I love my sister dearly, but I did not like being the “fat twin” in high school. Or college. And I was. I had a lot of other things going on at that time as well, not just the bad boyfriends, not just the being 40 pounds heavier than her, I had anger problems, I was self-harming, I didn’t enjoy school, I didn’t even have soccer or band as an escape anymore. My sister was a captain of the soccer team our senior year, and I played about 4 minutes the entire season. Including my senior night. Brittany was also the first chair in band, she was in control of our section and I had no choice but to do what she said. Since she was the “more talented” one.

Again, I love my sister, but I had A LOT going on throughout that time. I tried to come into my own in college. We were in different major programs and we made out own friends, but she married her high school sweetheart while I was getting my heart broken again and again.

Looking back at this entire post and it seems to have taken a turn for the strange.. It’s not entirely where I thought it would end up. But I can’t seem to make myself go back and delete anything. I feel like it’s gone where it needed to go. So I think for now I am going to leave it here.

I have gotten back on my diet. Today is day 2 of tracking all of my food and making good choices. Let’s see how long we can make this last.

Until next time.

Weight Struggles

So I have been REALLY struggling here lately to get on any sort of diet band wagon. I work out a lot, and I have a consistent weight, but it’s not the weight I want to be at. And I am having a really hard time finding any sort of motivation to work on my weight.

I have always struggled with my weight, and with my feelings about my weight. I get motivated, then I lose my motivation. It’s always been a see-saw kind of relationship with my motivation. And right now I am on the downward side of that see-saw.

I don’t like where I am on the scale, I don’t like what my body looks like in the mirror, I don’t like how I feel about myself when I can’t stop eating sweets.. but I can’t seem to make the necessary changes in my lifestyle to get things under control.

I feel like I am lacking the right motivating factor to get myself in check. But the problem is, I don’t know what motivating factor I need..

I keep telling myself I am going to bet better about my snacking. Be better about my meals. Be better about what I am putting into my body. I know I want to get married at a smaller, healthier, more fit size than I am right now, but I feel like Bobby is dragging his feet about getting married and it is having a pretty negative affect on me.

I wish I could say that if we set a date it would be easier for me, but I don’t honestly know if that’s true. I FEEL like it is, that I could lose weight or at least be healthier if I knew when I needed to have my weight lost by but.. this is the hardest thing for me.

So, I started this post a couple of days ago.. I thought maybe looking back on it, it would change my mind or thoughts about things, but already this morning I ate a gigantic cinnamon roll and last night I had a giant cheeseburger and a slice of pizza so.. I have apparently not hit food rock bottom. I don’t know what else is going to need to happen here to get myself back on board with a diet..

I haven’t been to a weight watchers meeting in about a month and I haven’t even tracked any of my food in weeks.. I think I am going to try to start back over on Thursday (tomorrow) when my points and whatnot get reset for the week. I just need to stay strong this week. If I can make it a week, I can make it two weeks, then another week, and eventually a month, another month, and another month after that until I get myself back on track.

I know I want to be smaller. I know I want to see another number on the scale. I want to be in a wedding dress no matter what size it comes in and just look beautiful. But I can’t seem to get on that track..

Does anyone have any inspiration for me? Any ideas on how to make this work out? I don’t know what else to do now.

Fingers crossed to getting back on track soon. I need it. For me.

Until then, thank you for hanging around.

 

The Stressful Life I Lead

Lord have mercy, this has been a crazy time. A crazy year thus far. Where to start..

Well, I guess we can start with me. Bobby and I have not made any progress on our wedding planning, although we have made the decision that we would like to get married in Las Vegas. Other than that though.. we seem to be at a stand still. It’s slightly disheartening to have made such little progress since it’s such a large part of our lives that we are planning to embark on. Other than that, things have been a bit stressful at work. Communication problems are what we are calling it, essentially, it’s me getting bullied by my boss. I’ve had multiple meetings regarding this lately and tomorrow it looks like it’s going to come to a close since I have a meeting with my boss and her boss. We will see how things go. I am a bit nervous about it, but I know this needs to happen. This needs to be a stepping stone, a way to move forward from where we are. I plan to make my job into a career, and that requires an environment I feel comfortable coming too in order to work. I would like to stay here until requirement, and I am desperately looking forward to making things a little bit better. I don’t need a perfect environment, but I would like it to not be as tense as it is right now, because this doesn’t feel like a healthy place for me right now. I am willing to make any changes necessary to make it a better place to be for the rest of the time I plan to work here.

Let’s move on to my sister, Brittany. She had her mole/skin tag removed, and it has been biopsied. She found out the cells are precancerous. They think they got them all, but they’re going to continue monitoring it and the rest of her moles/skin tags to make sure they aren’t precancerous as well. I am just beyond stressed about this entire thing. It breaks my heart to think that my sister is going through PCOS, through trouble trying to have a baby, and all of this precancerous madness at the same time.. It just doesn’t seem fair. I wish that things could be easier for her. Just this once.

Now we can move on to my parents. My dad has officially retired. He turned in his bunker gear and he is officially done. He is now a nervous wreck, which is worrying the rest of us a little bit. He has never NOT been working. Since he was 14 or 15 he has always had a job. He is already planning on starting a second career very soon, but for now he is worried about it. I think we are going to plan a big party though to try to set his mind a little bit at ease.

My brother did get a full-ride+ scholarship, but it’s through the honor’s college and he isn’t happy about it. He is really stressing about going through the Honor’s College, he just wanted to go to college without any extra or added course work. I think this is a good opportunity for him, but I know he doesn’t see it that way. I love my brother, and he is beyond brilliant, but he is also lazy and tends to have a sense of entitlement. I just hope he realizes what amazing things can happen and come from being in college, applying yourself in college. It’s such a huge time of growth and personal change. I want him to be open to those things. I want him to experience the magic of college that I did. To make friends and to encourage and grow those friendships and himself as a person. We will see how things turn out. Thankfully he is going to school in the same town where I live, I don’t want to helicopter, but I will probably try to take him to lunch a few times a month and see how things are going.

I know all of this stuff probably seems simple and stupid to some people, but part of anxiety is that all of these things are.. monumental in my brain. So I am just trying to move forward without having an anxiety attack about it all.

My Surreal Feels

So, I had a moment over this past weekend where I didn’t know what to do, or how to feel, and the only word I can think of to describe it is surreal.

If you have read any of my past blog posts, you know a little bit about what happened between me and my parent’s church. They decided, after I had been singing with the praise team for several months, that they didn’t like the way I was living my life. They told my dad, who informed me, that by living with my (now) fiancé, I was a bad influence on the youth on the congregation and asked me to step down from the praise team and get into religious counseling with the pastor to save my spiritual life.. Needless to say, after reflecting on the entire situation, I also met with the pastor and the praise team leader, it was requested that I step down, and I left the praise team and the church. I didn’t feel comfortable there, I felt very judged, I felt very upset about the entire situation and how it was approached.

I didn’t know how I felt and I really needed to do some soul searching to determine if my faith, while I was attending that church, was placed in the people I attended church with, or if my faith was in God. And the results of that soul searching made me a little nervous at first. I enjoyed the community I was involved in. I loved the people there. I LOVED singing.. And when all of that was taken away from me. I really had to lean on God. I really had to pray my way through being rejected by the “family” of Christians I thought I had around me. It was a really hard and devastating time for me. I tried several other churches searching for that feeling of belonging but now I find that trying new churches makes me feel.. incredibly shameful.

I do realize that living with my fiancé is against the bible. I do realize that there are rules in the bible about premarital relationships. I realized that my lifestyle and the traditional biblical lifestyle do not “mesh” well together.. That being said, I feel like church is supposed to be a judgment free zone. Should they offer counsel to people in need of it? Absolutely. But should you judge and condemn the members of your congregation? I don’t think so.. It leads to resentment among members, it leads to anger, it leads to hurt feelings.

So, this Sunday was one of the only other times since last October, when I was asked to leave the worship team, that I have been back to that church. And the entire sermon just.. was surreal for me. The pastor spent the sermon talking about how his (extremely) traditional church is failing. The church consists of an extremely old congregation. My parents are one of the youngest couples there. There are NO youth. NO members under 30. NO children’s church. And he can’t figure out why.

I really had to bite my tongue. Because I can tell him why he doesn’t have any millennial age people attending his church. It’s not that people my age don’t believe in Christianity. It’s not that people my age have problems with the bible. Are we a bit more lax as far as following the traditional biblical rules? Yes. Myself included. But all we really want, is to feel accepted. To feel welcomed at church. No matter what church it happens to be. That’s all I want. To walk into a church and not instantly feel like people are judging me. Like I am unwelcome. Like I am a terrible person just because I made different choices.

I feel like I was pushed out of church. I feel like my generation is being slowly pushed out of church. I feel like you should definitely preach on what you’re called to preach on. But I don’t think you should specifically attack members of your congregation in your sermons when they have confided in you about intimate details of their lives.. Which has happened multiple times at that church.. And it has pushed people away. Not just me. I have watched multiple couples, young adults, youth, and couples with young children leave the church.. It doesn’t feel like a welcoming environment.

I can’t just blame the pastor. The entire congregation is very unwelcoming. They’re all older. They’re all extremely hypocritical. They’re all judgmental.

I am struggling today. I don’t want to be happy that the church is struggling. As a Christian, you want to church to do well. But, I am really having a hard time being gracious towards this church. Towards these members. These people who essentially abandoned me when they “found out” about my lifestyle. I know I am supposed to be upset that they’re struggling, but I’m not..

I need to get a handle on things. But I don’t think it will be today.

 

March-ing On

So, miraculously I have managed to not post for another month. Hello March. Goodbye March. I can’t believe it’s already almost April. Let’s catch up on what’s been happening since sometime in the middle of February..

Since my last post, Brooklyn, my youngest sister has turned 21. So congratulations to her! Not only that but she and her boyfriend decided they would take some time off last weekend and go boating to just get out of the house for a bit and celebrate on their own. They drove the boat through a giant flock of water turkeys and was going too fast. (Also, didn’t know what a water turkey was, but it’s a real thing..) The water turkeys busted up the boat, shattered the windshield and a piece of the plexi-glass windshield actually flew through the air and cut her hand open. She ended up with two stitches and an exposed tendon. She’s fine though, just missing some skin and clinicals for school since she can’t work in the hospital with an open wound. (She’s in school for nursing right now, and doing exceptionally well actually.) Other than that, that area of life has been reasonably calm. She said she’s had a good birthday and is just ready for her hand to feel better so she can get back to work.

Bradley, my little brother, has turned 18 in all of this. He’s getting ready to graduate in May and we have plans to go to Six Flags that weekend to celebrate. Which is exciting. He has also been playing soccer again which is fun for him. He said he needed to lose some excess weight and this was the way he wanted to lose it. I can’t believe he actually joined soccer again, there’s a back story to why he wasn’t playing, he had disagreed with the coach a few seasons ago and quit soccer to get a part-time job after school instead. I am proud of him though for realizing what he needed to do to be happy with himself and taking that step. He’s been enjoying his time as a senior. He made it to All-State for Academic Team and that’s exciting. He has worked really hard all year and he is so smart. He definitely deserved to make it to All-State. He also got his college scholarship offer for his school of choice and he got a FULL-RIDE! He will get to go to college for free! So that is super exciting! Especially for my parents. They have already had to pay for me, a tiny smidge, and my little sister, also a tiny smidge. But when you have four kids, it’s probably always a concern how much you’re going to have to pay so I am thankful they won’t have to worry about that.

An update on my parents, my dad has officially retired from the fire department after almost 26 years. He seems to be enjoying his time off. He has been working his second job a lot and he likes that too. He has also been playing around in his field with his cows and chickens. They now have the most updated barns and waterers in the world, I am sure about that. Haha! My mom is settling in to her job just fine. Although now they, by they, I mean my dad, are trying to get mom a new job at my dad’s second job. He works at the election office and they’ve got several positions open right now and he wants her to switch jobs to work there instead. It’s a pay raise for her and she could ride with him but I don’t think she is going to do it. She loves my dad, but she’s pretty used to her own time now that she’s been on her own for about 26 years. Lol. I guess time will tell though. For now though, she seems pretty happy where she’s at.

Brittany and her husband seem to be doing alright. If you count owing a bunch of money to taxes, student loans, and adding on a broken water heater as doing alright.. She has definitely had a bit of a rocky start to 2017. Her in-laws are not exactly helping. They’re all tangled up in a big student loan menagerie.. I just do my best to stay out of their relationship with the in-laws. One of these days we will share a set of in-laws and as much as I want their relationship to be good, I don’t want to potentially ruin my own in the process. Brittany is losing weight though! She joined Weight Watchers with me so she can get her weight back on track since they are still trying for a baby. The PCOS has really taken a toll on her, and now she is going to be getting a mole removed to check for skin cancer, this will be her second mole removed that’s been biopsied… I  am trying not to be worried, but that’s my sister… My twin. Of course I am worried. I want her to be okay. I worry about her medically.. She always seems to have a hard time when it comes to doctors and things like that. I wish I knew what to say and how to help but I don’t.

As for an update on me, things are… going. I’m not extremely happy at the moment. I am wanting to plan this wedding but… Bobby isn’t really giving me a lot of forward momentum to make that happen. He doesn’t want to set a date, he doesn’t want to pick a venue, he doesn’t really even want a wedding… He says he just wants to run away to Las Vegas. And that makes me really upset in all honesty. I just want to get the rest of my life started. And I just want him to WANT that too… Some days I don’t feel like he does. He wants to get married, we just are approaching it from different angles and directions. I really thought that getting engaged would make me happier but I feel like it’s just more stress. Maybe we should just run away and get married… On top of all of that, work has been a complete pain in the ass lately. My big supervisor really, REALLY, dislikes me. And she’s making my life really hard. I am trying to be completely unbiased and just accept that she is going to be critical of me, because that’s her job. To make sure I do a good job and that our department and our company produce good results. But in the meantime it makes things difficult.

I don’t know what else to update you on.. My life is a crazy messy whirlwind right now but I can’t think of anything else to add for now.

Until next time.

Where has February Gone?

So, I kept telling myself I was going to write another post sooner rather than later, but here I sit behind my computer and it’s already the end of February.. As  get older I have come to realize that life sure seems to speed up. I don’t feel like I get nearly as much done as I plan too, and time keeps going faster than it used too.

Today just happens to be my little sisters 21st birthday. I think that may be why I felt like today was the day to take a break and make a post. Time is not slowing down.

I guess I will just jump on in with another update style post, there have been quite a few things going on lately, things with work and family..

Let’s go ahead and start with work stuff, then I can get the unpleasantness over with, well, part of it at least. Things have been busy here at the lab, although you wouldn’t think *I* had been since I still have a stack of things to do that just keeps getting bigger and bigger no matter how much time  I spend actually IN the lab. Everyone around me just keeps telling me it’s job security. I am still having personality clashes with my big boss, but thankfully they seem to be fewer and far between. I don’t think we will ever like each other though. I am learning to be okay with that.

So, family. I wish I could say everything in this category was rainbows and sunshine, but alas, no. Probably, mostly, because of my attitude about certain things and my lack of flexibility when it comes to how I feel about people and things in general. So, on a happier note, today is my little sisters 21st birthday, in just a couple of weeks, my little brother, the baby of the family, will be turning 18. I have absolutely NO idea where in the world all of these years have gone, but those two blessings have sure made a heck of an impact on this world already. Brooklyn is only about 1 year away from finishing her Bachelor’s degree in nursing, and in just a few short months Bradley will be graduating from high school and starting his road to a Bachelor’s degree of some sort. So, with all this birthday talk you would think it was a super happy time right? Well, here’s where we get to the less than sunshine and rainbows part of things. Brooklyn has been off and on dating this young man, I am not SUPER fond of him, but she is, so I let it go, for about 3 or 4 years now. A long time in the scheme of both of their lives. (It may actually be more time than that, but there was a rather nasty OFF stage at some point and it lasted for quite awhile so I think everyone just kind of lost count..) Now, the great thing about this, he has a pretty awesome family that loves my sister enough to include her in all of their family gatherings and social events. The negative, he has this “great” family that has essentially entered into a competition with us, her real family, and we are losing. Yesterday said “great” family decided to throw a family birthday party, for MY little sister, without bothering to consult anyone in her actual family… The invitation that was sent out, if you can call a
Facebook message a proper invite, stated that since WE (the real family) weren’t going to do anything special to celebrate such a wonderful person, her REAL, yes, she said real… family was going to throw her a birthday party and WE ( the REAL family) were invited to attend… There were LOTS of things about this that really upset said family.. One of which being, we had planned our own party.. just not for this Sunday. But apparently since it was a joint party for her and Bradley, we were waiting until Spring Break so they could also choose to invite friends for an activity of some sort, it wasn’t good enough. Another thing that was wrong with this entire thing was that it made my mom and dad, the REAL parents, really upset. It hurt their feelings. It hurt all of our feelings. And one of the other problems here is simply, her boyfriend’s family has considerably more income available than our does, and Brooklyn has and most likely always will be, very… money oriented. She enjoys nice things. Things that our parents couldn’t always give her when they had 4 kids to take care of who all played a different sport on a single income.. I hope one day Brooklyn realizes all of the sacrifices made for her, by our entire family, but mostly by our parents, and how much she has hurt them over her obsession with having only the nicest things.. But on another note, my mom told me yesterday after she got home from the magic birthday party, I did not attend, that what really hurt her the most was that the boyfriends parent KNOWS my family’s financial situation and that it really set up Brooklyn’s future birthday party to be a disappointment. So, this made for an eventful weekend… Looking at this gigantic paragraph I am wondering why I didn’t just make the entire blog post about that but… I think I need to just let it go and move on, it’s bad enough I sent an unfortunately timed text message to my mom at the party that Brooklyn happened to see. A discussion was later had about recognizing priorities, but she’s 21.. I doubt she heard any of it.

I guess we can jump on over now to my household version of family, it’s a little lighter than all that family competition jazz, although there’s some frustration at home as well.. We’ll start with the animals, Jax still rules the roost. She has been a little grumpy with me lately since Bobby isn’t working a short commute away anymore and is back on the road now, but overall I think she’s getting over it, he comes home on weekends so she can’t be too mad for too long. The dogs are still hooligans of epic proportions. Diesel is getting gigantic, pushing the scales somewhere close to 50 pounds at close to 6 months old, and Daisy Mae is growing like a weed.. They’re just now getting over a nasty case of ear mites, and Miss Mae had a yeast infection in her ears, drops were had by all and not well received.. but they’re both on the mend! The new yard is almost completely done now, so they have a bigger space to run and play out back that they both seem to really enjoy. They’ve taken at least one toy out there and they take turns chasing each other based on who has a hold of it. They’re fun to watch and it definitely makes Bobby being gone a little easier to have such endless devotion sleeping next to me every evening. The frustration I have right now is simply Bobby’s unwillingness to plan the rest of our lives together. It’s like we got engaged and he was done… I don’t feel like I need a TON of help, with the wedding planning, or anything really, but a little would be more than enough… Some input, any input would be appreciated at this time. Sometimes I feel like we live in a 1950’s era style household. I don’t mind it 80% of the time, but sometimes it’d be nice to have him do the dishes. No more laundry for him though… He did TRY to do one load of laundry, the washing machine was not having it and after 2 or 3 hours of google and youtube, a hard reset, and a lot of work on my part, I finally got it going again. We did get a good laugh out of that one and I had to (half)jokingly ask if he tried to kill it on purpose! He swears no, but now laundry is solely on me!

Anyways, for now, I think I will leave things there. I don’t want to sound SO full of complaints that it seems like my life is just a downhill slide, but at the same time, right now, there just seems to be a lot of dark places lurking around and with that comes a dark mindset.. I can see it’s affects every time I step on the scale at home. So, I am trying to combat that with an AWESOME boot camp class offered at my gym! I even asked to switch a few hours of my work schedule around during the week so I could make it to class. It’s one of those things where even though you recognize that it needs done, you don’t want to do it, this makes me do it, and that’s a big thing for me. It helps too that I enjoy the atmosphere of the gym and the workout in general. So here’s to hoping that helps me get this madness under control!

2017 has sure been bumpy thus far! But here’s to March bringing about a whole new mess of things to handle!

Until next time!

Update on my Crazy

So, I made myself a promise at the beginning of this year that instead of making a “normal” resolution to start 2017 I was going to try to just love myself a little bit more.

Update on how that has been working for me..

I am trying to get my life back on track as far as my diet and exercise. Not because weight loss is a necessity, but because working out and eating healthy make me feel better as a person. Like I have contributed to my overall well-being in some small way that day.

I have been trying to talk better TO myself. In my head, out loud.. I still have A LOT of work to do on that front, but I am still trying.

I have also been trying to talk better ABOUT myself. To myself, to my family, to Bobby. This one has been incredibly hard for me. Because there is so many negative things to say about me, as far as I can tell at least. It’s a work in progress. VERY slow progress. But I haven’t given up on that yet either.

I’ve been trying to work on my confidence. I have been wearing things I wouldn’t normally wear. Trying harder to be comfortable in my own skin. In fact, today I have on a dress I have never worn before. Why? Because I felt like it was too tight, or too this, or too that, all-in-all just not the right look for me. But I have it on today. And you know what, do I still think it’s too tight? Yep. But I feel okay in it. Not fabulous and super excited to be in it, but I needed to step out of my comfort zone, so I did.

Some other developments, I have been busy planning my upcoming wedding! So that’s exciting and new! Stressful just due to the insanity of costs that come with a wedding, but I am so excited to start a new chapter in my life with my favorite person ever.

My family and I have also started meal prepping. We are trying to keep my grandpa in reasonably good health, because he found out not too long ago that he has prostate cancer. So, that’s a struggle for everyone. I know that statistically speaking most men get prostate cancer, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s still my grandpa, especially since I lost one grandma to cancer, and my other grandmother fought and beat cancer. Cancer is scary. Although the meal prep helps. All of the girls in the family get together and plan a menu and a grocery list. Then we go shopping and start our prep. We enjoy each other’s company and get a chance to make healthy options for dinners for a week. We even got my little sister involved.

Speaking of the little sister, her best friend just had her baby. His name is Finn and they are all doing great! Even though little sister’s best friend having a baby was hard on my big sister, who is still struggling with the infertility that comes with PCOS, she has been a great sport about it. And Finn is so cute that it definitely helps.

There seems to be a lot of new babies right now, and engagements, and other things of that nature. Everyone in my generation is certainty moving into the adult phase of life.

Also, Bobby and I got ANOTHER new puppy! This one was a total accident. Diesel is barely 6 months old next month and now we have another 2ish month old puppy named Daisy Mae! She’s absolutely adorable and SO loud… Jax (the cat) is actually adjusting reasonably well all things considered. She is VERY tolerant of both the puppies and she actually seems to enjoy playing with them. They all run through the house like they’re hooligans. Daisy has also already eaten a pair of shoes.. a woman after my own heart.. Needless to say the closet stays closed now.

The little sister, Brooklyn, is also entering into her second (one year left!) year of nursing school! She still loves it so I think she is definitely on the right path for her. She struggles with money because she did go to an expensive school and it’s, naturally, in an expensive area, but we all try to help her out as much as we can.

My brother, Bradley, is getting ready to go back to STATE (again!) for the second year in a row to see if his Academic Team can bring home the title. That’s in just a couple of weeks actually… It’s crazy to me to think he graduates high school in just a few months. He’s always been the baby and now he is moving out of childhood right in front of me. Lucky for me though he is going to school right down the road from me at my Alma Mater! I fully plan on taking him to lunch at least once a month or week, or maybe everyday.. Kidding. Kind of.

There really has just been SO much going on lately. I know a quick update like this one probably doesn’t even have half of the things that I have going on in my life right now mentioned in it, but it’s a good start.

Until next time!

New Year Update

So, I told myself I was going to try to be nicer to myself this year. Try to love myself more.

And I am (semi)happy to report, I have been TRYING. Is it successful? Not always.

But I haven’t given up yet. So that’s progress.

Now, has the year been running smoothly? Not even close.

My parents and pretty much the entire rest of my family went on vacation for a week. This wasn’t a bad thing. They all needed to get away, but since I had already been on my vacation I was in charge of house/dog sitting.

It wasn’t terrible, but it was a real strain on my nerves. 6 giant dogs, the smallest being a Bassett Hound, plus cows, chickens, and a couple of cats. It got to be A LOT to deal with by Thursday or so. But it’s done! They all had a wonderful time and now everyone has taken their critters to their own homes.

However, I found out after they all get back, completely on accident, I might add, that the EX BEST FRIEND (mentioned in several posts) INVITED HERSELF ALONG!!!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I was sad I had already planned and paid for a vacation in December last year, but NOT after hearing that! I can only credit it to divine intervention that I was not on that trip.

So here’s what went down.

The EX best friend still talks to my sister (I don’t know why in the world, my twin decided to be Switzerland in our.. downfall) and apparently she figured out which cruise they were going on based on where Brittany said they were going and when they would be leaving. So what did she do?

BOOKED A ROOM ON THE SAME BOAT.

Am I the only one who thinks that, not only is that incredibly rude, but also CRAZY.

Who just invites themselves to a family vacation? Especially when it’s not even THEIR family going? It’s not even like she offered to pay for anything.

Because, that’s another thing that happened. She didn’t pay for any gas to get to the port. She didn’t pay any money towards the hotel room(s) they all stayed in when they got to port before they left. She didn’t pay for any food on the way down there or back.

Now, I think all of this could have been avoided if my parents or sister had just believed me years ago when I told them she was a mean and crazy person, but no, they didn’t believe me. So they’re out like.. $600 at least just in money she could have, but didn’t, contribute.

Now, I have written about my family a lot, but I don’t know if I have ever mentioned that my parents aren’t exactly “well-off”. My dad’s a firefighter. My mom works a job for just above minimum wage. They have one kid in college and one finishing up high school. Neither of which equals having extra money to spare.

Some background on the EX best friend’s finances. She has never had to get a job or work, because her parents pay for everything. Parents she hates by the way. Even though they bought her a brand new truck, which she doesn’t pay for, they pay for her phone, her gas, anything she asks for, and they paid for her schooling at a large university when she didn’t get any scholarships to cover the tuition. I would also like to add she went to school for almost 8 years.. on their dime. Her parents both make over $100,000 a year with two grown kids. Both of whom still live with them.. Enough about that though. Now I am sounding bitter.

I probably wouldn’t harp so much on things like that, but she always made it a point to say that my parents always paid for and proceeded to hand me everything.

I would like to insert here, that I worked all the way through school, because it took me five years and my scholarship ended after 4. I bought my own car, and paid for my apartment.

Again, time to switch the subject. Bitter. Me. Yes.

Anyways, so the fact that she didn’t bother to pay for anything was rude, she has been around my family, she knows they aren’t as well off as hers. Like it wasn’t rude enough to invite herself on a FAMILY vacation…

Needless to say, it’s been a slightly bumpy start to the New Year.

So what does this have to do with me? My half-ass resolution? Probably not a damn thing.

But I do know this, it’s so much harder to even consider loving the person I am, when I am being reminded of my past.

You might be wondering what I am talking about with that.

The EX best friend is very small. Petite. I am not. She NEVER let me forget that fact. In fact, when she sent naked photos to my fiancé, she made it a point to remind him of that. She told him she was smaller and what he deserved. Asked him if he really wanted to be dating a “fat bitch” like me. Keep in mind, at that point in time, we were FRIENDS. BEST FRIENDS. And for some reason she still can’t see where the friendship went wrong…

This entire situation has been like one giant flashback.

Terrible.

The only positive that came with this entire situation is that now my parents don’t think I am entirely crazy about ending a 10 year friendship. Mainly due to some of the things she did while they were gone.

Like wanting to take selfies with everyone there and send them to me to let me know that she was on vacation with them when I wasn’t. Which is just rude. But also immature.

I think this is going to be a raw wound for quite some time. I’ll try to maintain updates on my resolution and this fiasco of a situation.