I’m Getting Married!

So, this is going to be a fun blog post, and I don’t feel like I get to do that very often, mostly because I can’t seem to get my brain in a happy spot 90% of the time BUT..

I’M GETTING MARRIED! In just over a week I am going to be married. I am ridiculously excited, which is nice, since I have spent the last month of so being anxious about it.. It’s nice to have crossed that bridge into being excited to see the future without all of the nerves being involved.

Not to say that there haven’t been nerves. It’s getting really close so naturally there are a lot of little things to take care of, things you never even think about when you think about getting married. Like, who will be there, does it matter if people are or aren’t there? The answer to those is yes, it definitely matters, and you always want certain people to be there and when they can’t of course it hurts when they can’t be there but.. when you realize that it isn’t all their fault and sometimes there are just legitimate circumstances and travelling isn’t in the cards for them, like it wasn’t in the cards for some of our own guests.

Bobby and I are not technically eloping, but we are having a destination type wedding in Las Vegas. Some of our grandparents didn’t feel healthy enough to travel that far so even though we will miss them, we know that logistically it just couldn’t happen.

A few other questions I have had to answer lately are do we have a small dinner after the ceremony? Throw a large reception? Do we have dinner there as well? Music? Dancing? Lights? Do we have the budget for any of this? All of this? And those are questions we have had to answer throughout the planning process. We ARE having a dinner after the ceremony, as well as a large reception back home for the people we didn’t ask to travel with us, and we are doing a sit down dinner when we do the reception since Bobby and I spent our own money on the destination wedding, we had a larger budget for the reception here in Oklahoma. We have first dances, a photographer, a DJ, a cake, and a lot of guests planning to  come and enjoy the evening with us.

As for now though, I am just ready for the ceremony itself. Bobby and I are going to be tying the knot on July 4th, which is hopefully a day that he won’t forget when it comes to anniversaries. And at this point, it really just feels like a piece of paper. And I can’t wait to sign it! We have flowers picked out, a ceremony paid for, dinner, a dress, a suit, and our immediate family members willing to travel there to celebrate it all with us.

So really I just wanted to write all this out with one point in mind. I. AM. GETTING. MARRIED!!!

Until next time!

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Update – Where do I Even Start?

So, as the title mentions, I don’t even know where to start here.. It has been a LONG time since I have written or posted anything. I would love to say it was a conscious break so that I could get my mental health on track but.. It’s been derailed several times since my last post. I had a few drafts written that actually went over that but I just wasn’t bold enough to post them. But I think I am finally ready to get back into things. Whether that is because I am wanting to avoid actually getting work done today, or whether I am just finally feeling ready to talk to everyone again. Either way, here we go. Might want to strap in. I am not sure how long this is going to be, or what all it is going to cover, but I am going to do my best to just get everything out in the open. Hopefully I don’t cover things I have already talked about previously but.. in case I do, apologies!

So let’s go ahead and start with the siblings. They are easier to talk about for me.

So Brooklyn is getting ready to graduate nursing school in December, she will have a bachelor’s degree when she finishes and thankfully she has already lined up a nursing job to help get her some experience before she graduates. She has been working as a nanny for her entire college career so it is really nice to see her branching out a little bit into her field. She needs to get that experience and she needs to build that confidence in her future career that I think can only come from working in that profession. And recently the nanny job has started to lose it’s sparkle.. The mom that she works for has been a single mom for almost the entire time that Brooklyn has worked for her, she has dated a few men but nothing stuck, until recently. And let’s just say this man is not an improvement to the single life. He has several charges on his record for assault and abuse of the women and children in his life.. but apparently that doesn’t mean anything. He has already started to show his aggression towards her children. But I guess that wasn’t a red flag to her since she just showed up engaged to this lunatic.. Brooklyn is worried about the children but he has started to get ugly towards Brooklyn as well and it’s just not a super safe place to be. She may end up having to turn him in to CPS just to keep the kids safe when she leaves, or when she starts to take on more hours at the new job at the hospital. None of which is fun to thing about. Added onto that drama, her longtime boyfriend and his mother are in a tiff about a similar situation. About a year and a half ago, maybe two years ago now, his father died from brain cancer. About a month after that his mother started shacking up with a MARRIED man. Even though she claims to be a devout Christian who had absolutely no idea.. (Yeah right.. she works with his wife..) So I guess recently she has been hounding Connor (Brook’s boyfriend) for more money to take care of the (JOBLESS) boyfriend and his adult son. Who I might mention is in the military and by rights should be able to take care of himself by now. But that relationship is causing tension as well. Add in the fact that I guess his mom’s jobless boyfriend has been using and breaking his father’s tools and car mechanic equipment that has been left in his mother’s garage and it’s turned into a big mess. He recently went so far as to clean out his own garage and has every intention of taking all of his father’s tools and equipment before anything else gets broken or conveniently “misplaced” by the boyfriend.. Just a lot going on in their lives right now. I didn’t really like Connor at first, he and Brooklyn dated all through high school and then when he graduated, he is a couple of years ahead of her in school, they broke up so he could “explore” his dating options and he said some really ugly things to her. Then when his dad got sick they got back together because David, his father, has always loved Brooklyn and at first, I think it’s because Connor wanted his dad to be proud of him, especially at the end since they knew he was going to die. Then Cindy started dating the new boyfriend and I was having trouble mentally separating Cindy and Connor from each other and her actions were spilling over and causing me to dislike her son. But that is all in the past now. I actually like Connor. He is good for Brooklyn I think, and good for my own dad. He helps my dad around the house and he makes sure my dad isn’t alone when he is mowing grass or brush hogging the field. And I will forever appreciate him for that.

So now, let’s go ahead and move on to my brother, who has caused no end of trouble for my parents. He graduated from high school and then proceeded to essentially flunk out of college.. In no less than one semester. This wouldn’t be such a big deal but he was definitely the smartest of all of us kids, test score wise at least, and he ended up losing A LOT of money in scholarships.. He barely passed one class in his first semester, lost his scholarships, and then went on to fail out of a second semester, all on my parents dime. He totalled a car somewhere in there, and decided he wanted to try to join a fraternity and fell into a really hard and heavy party scene. Probably (definitely) a major contributing factor to his failed attempts at passing classes. Somewhere in the madness that was his spiral into blowing a crap ton of my parents money, money that they do not have, but that’s another paragraph to come, he also got a ticket that he just decided to not pay.. So he ended up with a warrant out for his arrest. That was an exciting time. My dad ended up spending a ton of money to bail him out, pay his ticket, plus the fees associated with not paying the ticket, and then he expedited his license reinstatement.. So that was fun. Brad, my brother, is also currently living with me since he failed out of college and couldn’t live in the dorms anymore, and can’t afford the gas money to get to and from work if he goes home to live with my parents since he works in this town where he was attending college. So it’s been an interesting living dynamic having someone else in the house. Especially someone else who is not my fiance. It has some nice moments though. He (kind of) helps me take care of the dogs. So that’s nice since sometimes I have to be out of town for the day or weekend. They get fed and let out when I can’t be home to do that. He also has a girlfriend. Which has been interesting. Since he has always been sort of on the single-for-life train. She is nice, different, but nice. Although we have some issues since she is only 16.. and he is 19.. I don’t think I like the age gap but that’s not for me to be okay with. It’s for them and all the parents involved to be okay with. And so far that doesn’t seem to be an issue. So if he is happy I will be happy for him.

Now we can move on to my older sister and her husband. They have essentially exhausted their financial resources and fertility options, outside of going through IVF which they just can’t afford, so they have decided to look into adoption. They have filled out all of their paperwork and are currently in the middle of their home visits, and classes. Hopefully things work out for them and we get a call about a baby being available soon. It’s been really nice lately. We have all started to get really close and enjoy each other’s company. Which I think is important since I am going to be marrying into that family VERY SOON. But again, that’s for another paragraph. Since they are going through the adoption process we have spent many weekends over at their home getting it into tip-top shape and working on small home improvement projects like painting the walls, refinishing the floor, getting some pictures hung on the walls, and general home maintenance things done. So that’s been fun. Thankfully we have all also been taking some time to relax since adoption seems to be stressful.. I guess I can understand that though since waiting for a birth parent to essential decide you and your husband are worthy sounds stressful to me too.. We’ve spent a lot of time on the lake together as a foursome. We all got kayaks and we’ve been camping. Brittany and I also finished our very first marathon in April, and training together we got really close. It’s nice to have my sister back. She also hit her lifetime goal weight for Weight Watchers and is thin as a rail now and as much as I thought that would make her happy, it has been a progression of her mentally getting to where she accepts that this is where her body is happiest. But I think she is finally there. Casey has also been on Weight Watchers and he has lost almost 40 pounds and he is looking really good too. They seem to be in a happier head space with the weight loss, and the upcoming adoption potential. I am happy for them.

I guess I can move on to an update about my family in general. My parents are doing alright. My dad retired last June and then turned around and took another job, but with his pension check being essentially half of his paycheck and his new job not paying what he was expecting, money has been a little tight for my parents, especially since they have been paying for my mom to go back to school, and for some of the extra costs associated with Brooklyn finishing school, and then all of the crap that my brother got into.. He should start drawing an interest check on his retirement this month though, so hopefully that helps them out a little bit. I feel bad getting married so soon after his retirement but at the same time.. I am more than ready to make that happen. I am soon to have a whole new family so I can go ahead and start adding an update on them as well. Shawn, my almost step-father-in-law just recently retired from his job after 23 years, and my almost-mother-in-law has been doing well. She had a hysterectomy about 2 years ago when they found a (thankfully benign) mass in her uterus, and I think it has really helped to mellow her out a little, especially towards my sister. My almost-father-in-law has been trying to kindle some sort of relationship with Bobby and I since we haven’t really had one before now. His stepmother actually threw me a wedding shower. Which was really nice. I met some of the extended family that I hadn’t met before and got to just enjoy being in different company than I am used too. It seems like the closer we get to this wedding, the more people I meet. Not necessarily a bad thing, but not exactly stress free since I am trying to plan a wedding, a reception and remember all of these new people. Hopefully they cut me some slack when it comes time to see them all again.

I guess I have put it off long enough.. time to do my own personal update. I am TILL on the weight loss struggle. I think that’s going to just be a permanent thing for me for the rest of forever. Although since I stress/binge eat, not putting on a TON of weight while wedding planning has been a positive for me all things considered. The wedding is completely paid for, at least on my end, all the things I needed to pay for are paid. And that’s a nice stress off my conscience. I still can’t quite believe that I am getting married in less than a month. It still feels like yesterday that he was asking me to marry him. I remember it perfectly. We were on a cruise in the Bahamas. We had just finished kayaking to the beach where they filmed the Pirates of the Caribbean movies and we had just finished lunch. We were wading out in the water and looking for animals, I totally found a starfish, and when we got back on the beach we were drawing in the sand and he wrote out “Will You Marry Me?” and it was probably one of the most romantic moments of my life. It was beautiful and meaningful and it is a memory that is now forever ingrained in my mind. Since we decided to do a destination wedding type thing where just immediate family is in attendance for the actual ceremony, my mom decided we should also do a reception back home for everyone who wasn’t invited to the actual ceremony. And that sounded like a lot of fun at first since I was a little sad to be missing out on the big party part of things, but it’s been more stressful than the actual wedding to plan. Getting food, a DJ, invitations, decorations.. it’s exhausting not to mention expensive. It probably doesn’t help that a bunch of my friends are also all getting married or have just gotten married and their budgets were much larger than mine and it is making me a little nervous about how well my party is going to be holding up. I know that’s not really the point but… it is important to me that everyone who attends has a good time. So the past few months/year has been trying to corral everything that is going on, while trying to meet all of my new family, while also trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings, and not get gigantically fat in the meantime. I am hoping that after July things start to slow down a little bit just due to the sheer fact of it being rough to keep going at this particular pace. I know it probably seems like my actual update on myself is limited and short compared to some of the other updates about things going on in my life, but I just know that Bobby and I have been staying busy. We actually just recently bought a camping trailer and it has been SO much fun! We have taken it out twice so far this summer, but we probably won’t get to take it out until at least August from here on out just due to how busy things are about to get. We also got kayaks so we have all been exercising out on the water lately. It’s been really fun. We still have the cat, two fish, and both dogs. D has some allergies going on but he goes to the vet tomorrow to hopefully get on some stronger stuff and keep him from scratching all his hair out. Ms. Daisy Mae is doing just fine. Thick and sassy like her mama. Jax is still running the house in true feline fashion. Other than that it’s just more wedding stuff… That seems to be all that my brain has room for…

Until next time.

The Crazy Mexico Vacation

Well, I don’t even know where to start here. This has been a super crazy past few months. I have looked back through my drafts and I can see that I started an update style post in September but I never got around to posting it.. I think for today though I am just going to leave you guys with one of the wildest stories I have..

Bobby and I went to Mexico in early September for a mini vacation, it was supposed to originally be our honeymoon but… Since we didn’t end up getting married in July like we wanted it turned into just a vacation for us. So, let’s start with this, this was our first ever international flight style vacation. We’ve been on several international cruises, but we have never flown internationally before. Customs. I was expecting it to be a lot bigger of an issue, but don’t get me wrong, there were a few hiccups with flying. I got searched before we even left the country, and then we flew into Houston for our connecting flight and it was still under quite a bit of water from Hurricane Harvey, but thankfully that wasn’t a very big issue, and getting in and out of Mexico was actually really easy. We had to make sure to re-check our bags when we got back into the US but again, not as difficult as I was expecting. The hardest part of the entire trip actually happened after we got down there. I had booked the entire trip through a Mexican travel agent, including the travel to and from the airport to the all-inclusive resort. It was supposed to be a wonderful trip. Here is where things took a turn for the not so fantastic. We got off the airplane, go our baggage, and found our airport shuttle all with no problem. We got dropped off at our resort and it was GORGEOUS! Talk about excitement. I had never been to an all inclusive, and as much as cruises are all-you-can-eat, they are NOT all-you-can-drink. So we were really looking forward to that aspect of things. Drinks, sunshine, and the ocean. Definitely all things in my top 10. We get to the resort, it’s stunning, and then we hit our road block… After calling the week before we left to verify with the hotel that we are booked, I get the confirmation number and everything, we found out when we got there on Monday afternoon that our “travel agent” cancelled our reservation before we got there. And therefore pocketed the $1500 we had spent just in the travel agency fees and resort fees/booking fees. So we were essentially stranded in Mexico until our flight left on Friday afternoon and out the money we needed to stay at another resort.. At this point in time, I was about convinced we wouldn’t even be getting married because he was pretty upset and no matter how this ended we were about to be dead broke. To say that this was shaping up to be the worst vacation we had ever been on would be an understatement.. So I did the only thing I could do. I got on my Expedia app and booked us into another resort on my credit card (ouch…) and we had to catch a cab to get to the new resort. So the cab ride was pretty.. interesting. We left the resort section and then entered the part of Mexico they hide from the tourists. I might also add for atmosphere here, it’s pouring down rain during this time and the streets down there have NO drains or drain systems and the rain added up pretty quickly. We were also riding in a tiny Chevy Sonic standard cab that I was convinced was going to float away with us and all of our belongings in it. Now, if looks could kill, I would not be writing this right now, at this point, driving through 14 inches of standing water through the back alleys of Mexico, Bobby was DONE. I remember looking up at one point and there were bars on the windows and doors.. Yeah, not the Mexico they show you when you’re on a boat just floating by. We finally float/drive out of the bars on the windows joints and we look out the window and now there are gated communities outside. I was starting to feel a little better at this point, like at least we weren’t in the ghetto anymore. Then it happened.. We kept right on driving and drove straight down this tiny one lane dirt road into the jungle. This isn’t like the woods back home, when we were rolling down this road we passed a sign warning us about JAGUARS crossing. This place was WILD. And there were no street lights, no other cars, and not a single thing out the window except jungle. Jaguar infested jungle. Now, I will admit, at this point even I was a little worried, I thought we were about to become a statistic about the dangers of travelling. We finally start to slow down and all I can see from the road is a tiny hut with a uniformed guard in it and of course that’s where we pull in. The cab driver is telling this uniformed man that we are guests of the resort, and the man in the uniform is checking a clipboard and shaking his head “no”. I leaned forward at this point and showed him my receipt on my phone and explained we had just now booked the reservation for that evening. He took my phone and took a really long look at it before he finally opened the gate and let us through, and what we saw at that point was nothing short of perfection as far as we were concerned. There was, back in the jungle, a HUGE resort. 9 stories tall and looking very much like an upscale place to be. We got dropped off by the cab driver and the concierge service rushed forth and took our bags for us, we didn’t have them at the check in counter or anything because as soon as we checked in, they took our bags to our room for us. Now, let me just insert that about… a mile down the road from the tiny hut the rain had stopped, didn’t look like it had rained at all. Which should have been a sign from God that things were going to be alright after all. We got to the front desk and they actually had our reservation so.. praise Jesus for that. They also brought up some super delicious fruity mixed drinks while we completed our check in process. We ended up being incredibly blessed with a perfect resort to spend time in. We were able to swim on the beach or in one of the FIVE heated pools they had on the grounds, and it just so happened to also be an all-inclusive resort. We ended up only paying $75 at check-out, all of it was gratuity that we chose to pay. It ended up being a truly magical time and place for us. We swam with sting rays, snorkeled in the beautiful water, kayaked and even tried our hand at stand-up paddleboards (I am not good at it, turns out). We toured some of the ruins and we just spent a lot of time together relaxing on the beach. It turned out to be just what we needed but to say it started out stressfully is the understatement of the century. I was right though, we did come home dead broke, so it’s a good thing that the wedding is already paid for, a small update on how the reception planning is going.. I got my dress!! It’s gorgeous and everything I had ever hoped to have but knew I would never be able to afford. I can’t wait to wear it down the aisle, and again at my reception for my friends and family to see. The rest of the reception is finally falling into place. We have decided on a color scheme and that was the majority of the battle for me. So, it looks like things are going to be okay as far as that goes. Until next time.. Enjoy my crazy wild Mexico wilderness story and let me know if you have any of your own crazy travel stories!

Update..

Goodness gracious I can’t even believe we are already a third of the way through July.. Where in the world is 2017 going and why is it going so fast!? Welp, nothing I can do about that.. How about an update for you guys since it’s been a good long while since I posted much of anything on here (my bad..).

Let’s start with Brittany, so, if you haven’t read any of my last blog posts, my twin sister suffers from Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, PCOS for short, and it causes a lot of fertility problems, along with some sugar problems that go hand in hand with diabetes as well as improper fat storage causing weight gain, which in turn helps with the lack of fertility.. It’s a gigantic jumble of things that all conspire against her having a baby. Now, a year ago, when she and her husband first found out that having a baby was going to be a lot harder than either of them anticipated, they pretty much gave up and said “It’s in God’s hands”. Now, that wouldn’t have been a problem at all if they had even TRIED the suggestions from the doctors on how to help with the possibly infertility. Since then though, I am super happy to report that Brittany has been on Weight Watchers and has lost more than 30 pounds. She’s down enough weight that her doctors have put her on an ovulation medication to help her and Casey try to get pregnant on their own. They’ve both had their fertility tests done, which did NOT happen last year when they “stopped” trying or caring about having a baby naturally, and they seem to be moving in a really positive direction as far as that is all concerned. I am happy for them and now that they are both trying to actually make things work, I think they are both in a much better place to actually raise a baby if it comes down to that. On a side note, Britt has agreed to be my maid-of-honor! Which is always exciting! More on the wedding side of things to come further in the update.

So, let’s move on to my other sister.. I THINK I wrote about Brooklyn’s adventure down the river and the attack of the water turkeys, but in case I didn’t, here’s a short recap.. Her boyfriend took her down the river in his boat for a joyride and thought it would be fun to speed up and scare a flock of water turkeys off the water (for the record, water turkeys are actually a REAL thing..). Needless to say, the water turkeys didn’t start to take off until the boat hit them at warp speed, a water turkey went through the plexi-glass windshield on the boat and shattered it. It sliced into Brooklyn’s hand and when she went to the ER they cleaned it all out and stitched her up and sent her on her way. Fast forward to a few weeks, about a month or so ago now.. and she has intense pain and swelling in this hand as well as a hard knot on the tendon. Initial scans indicated her tendon had been nicked by some of the windshield and was healing in a cyst type fashion causing a problem, including pain and swelling. So she had to have surgery. Well, imagine the doctors surprise when they get in there and she actually has TWO pieces of glass inside her sowed up hand! One piece was the “knot” on her tendon since it was stuck in the tendon.. Somehow the ER doctor “missed” the glass when she was cleaning the wound. Well, she had the clean out surgery about a week and a half ago and got the stitches out this morning. Her hand has healed up very nicely, she now has her full range of motion back, no pain, no swelling. Which is all good since she is in her second or third year of her bachelor’s in nursing program. I feel bad since I honestly am not sure how many years she’s been in the program or how many she has left.. Things have just gotten crazy in our giant family. There’s a lot happening all the time.

Now we will go ahead and move on to the brother who somehow thinks just because he had a birthday he is a grown man. He learned quick, fast and in a hurry that that’s not entirely true. He moved in with me and Bobby for the summer since he has been working with an internship here in town and it’s a much shorter drive for him from my house than my parents house and we all thought it would be a good way for him to kind of dip his toes into the town where he will be going to college here in just a month or so. However, this has been an interesting experience for everyone all around. First off, he thinks since he is 18 now he doesn’t have to listen to anyone anymore. Wrong. He hasn’t really contributed to any household chores at my house, which isn’t entirely surprising since he didn’t really help at my parent’s house either, but then he kept giving me random, and rather expensive, grocery list requests, again, he hasn’t been contributing financially, or in the household as far as chores and things that need to be done outside.. So that wasn’t a ton of fun. He keeps his game systems on ALWAYS. So my electric bill went up a little bit and he used up all of my internet for the month, in 3 days.. I live in a pretty rural area where there is no such thing as a high speed internet that runs constantly and always when you want it too with no limit. I would love to say we established some ground rules and he listened, but that’s not the case. Now, I know I sound grumpy about him being there, but I really didn’t mind having a house guest, the extra expenditures weren’t a super big deal, but I was counting on him to help me with some things, like mowing the grass, and helping feed the animals, and letting the dogs out during the day when he was home and I needed to stay at work late. And those things didn’t always, or really ever, happen. Now we get into the good stuff, Bobby and I were on vacation rather recently to celebrate the 4th of July by checking out the wedding chapel we have booked. Brad was supposed to be at the house watching the animals so they didn’t have to travel and stay at my parents. Well, imagine our surprise when we get home and the dogs are gone and so is my brother.. He just never bothered with the dogs in the first place and took and left them at my parents house, then scheduled with my mom for HER to drive up to my house everyday to feed Jax. Which is not only out of the way, it’s dumb when we already had a plan in place. When we got home, we got a bit more of the story, and apparently he was inviting friends to be at our house while we were not there, when we had asked him not to have anyone over. When my parents found out, they moved him and the dogs back to their house and had him ride to work with my mom since she works some of the time in an office here in town. It was an interesting turn of events. Now he is finishing his internship with some traveling to and through North Carolina. I am curious to see what happens when he comes home, so that’s to be continued. As a side note/question, does anyone else have younger brothers and how in the world do you manage them?!

So, I guess we can move on to all of the things that have been going on with me and Bobby here lately. As you read above, we took off on a vacation, we were supposed to come home married, but… it didn’t quite work out that way so we are still engaged only and waiting until next year to get married. We have decided to keep our Las Vegas venue for next year, so that means everyone who wants to attend is in charge of traveling for a little bit, although I don’t think a vacation is going to be bad for them. It’s not like they would take one without us forcing their hand anyways. We did compromise with our parents about hosting a reception here when we get back since they want everyone to be involved and invited. So when we got back from our trip we booked a reception venue and started shopping for decorations and caterers. Turns out, every time we price something else out, I end up just a little bit more convinced we should have run off.. but his is what they wanted to do for us and we are just going to be okay with what they want to do. I have already been to a wedding show since I got back, and it looks like I am scheduled to go to another one here in just a few weeks. My sister is keeping me in check! I keep reminding her we still have almost a year, but everywhere I look says that you should definitely start planning things 10-12 months in advance so maybe she knows a little bit about what she is talking about. We are scheduled to go try on dresses and maybe get a good idea on what styles we are wanting next month for our birthday. I have decided I HAVE to get back on track with some sort of diet or I won’t fit in any of the dresses I have been looking at in a way that is in any way shape or form flattering. I have been super lax about my diet and my gym-going here lately, but I think that’s for another blog post. Maybe this afternoon we can get into the insecurities that seem to rule my life, but not right now. As it stands though, wedding dress trying on was put on hold this weekend at the wedding show. I do know that trying to maintain a full time job, plan a wedding, a wedding reception, and a vacation for September is really too much to ask for. I feel like my focus is split into a million pieces. We are only going back on vacation in September because I have already bought a vacation and now all the dates are blacked out on when to use it except the ones that we already booked on. It was supposed to be our honeymoon but again, wedding date had to be moved. All in all though, despite all the craziness, things are going well. We’re busy, like normal, but that’s nothing new or exciting. We do have a lot going on right now at work. I still feel really behind with all of my casework and things, but that’s just something that I will have to fix by getting in the back and making it happen. No one can do that for me. Something else to think about and work on. As I said, my focus feels like it’s split in a million directions.. I am sure there are a lot of things I forgot to mention, but until the next time they will just have to keep.

Thanks for taking a break out of your day to take a glimpse into my crazy life.

Update

So, where in the world do I start?! I feel like a lot has happened in the last.. 2 or 3 weeks or so.

I guess we could always start with the diet part of things. I have (for now at least) managed to get back on the weight watchers bandwagon. I am down 5.4 pounds this week so I am pleased and feeling motivated to keep going. So for now I am going to keep counting what I eat, exercising and getting in lot’s of movement. I think today is the first day since Sunday I haven’t been to the gym, and that’s only because the lab is short staffed at the moment and I didn’t want to leave anyone here on their own. Besides, I was planning to run a half-marathon (my 2nd one!) on Saturday but it’s been postponed due to rain. I might see if my fiancé wants to go run the track tonight. We are supposed to be going to watch my brother play soccer.

That in and of itself is a reason to start a new paragraph on updates, my brother recently went to his Academic Team All-State Tournament where his team took 2nd! So not only does he have a state champion ring from last year for Academic Team they won their District this year, lost state but.. he still went to All-State. Only the top 36 students in our state got to go and they did very well. Not only did he win Districts for Academic Team, he also plays tonight in the playoffs for soccer, his team won District Champion for that as well. Which is also exciting. I hope they do well tonight. I think he deserves to have a wonderful senior year. I think it will make up for my terrible senior year!

Another round of updates, my sister has joined weight watchers, this might have been previously mentioned in another post but we are trying this weight loss thing together. We have been swapping recipes and working out together. Training for runs. She even talked to her boss about sponsoring our running so we can do more runs for less money. Which is super exciting when you think about it. One run can cost anywhere from $20 to $70 depending on the distance, the type of race, and location of the run, not to mention who is putting the run on.. She is slowly losing weight now and it’s a wonderful thing for her. She already looks like she has a new lease on life. She is trying to work on her before she and Casey try to work on their potential family. Not only that but her weight loss has spurned Casey to start moving more too and he is losing weight as well. I am keeping them both in my prayers that they can get what they want out of life. Be that a child or not.

Yet another update, like I said, it feels like there has been a lot more time passing by than just a few weeks since my last post.. Bobby has had a birthday! He’s now 26, officially closer to 30 than 20. He seems to be adjusting to it just fine too. He had to work on his actual birthday but he is home this weekend and I have plans to take him and our family out to celebrate. Cake will definitely be included. I just haven’t decided which kind yet. Probably an ice cream cake or a cheesecake. He likes both of those and so does everyone else that I can think of. Not that they really matter since it’s HIS birthday party of course.

I think we have come to an agreement about this whole wedding thing too. Probably part of why it’s easier to be motivated in all honesty.. now that we have some sort of a plan. I think we are going to elope. Legitimately run away and get married in Las Vegas. We are planning for the 4th of July. Always something to do on our big anniversaries that way! Then we may plan for a reception at some later date as well. One that my family and his can attend that takes some of the stress off of us. Not to mention some of the financial burdens.. I don’t want my parents to have to stress out about the cost of a big wedding and reception especially after Brittany and Casey’s wedding.. Casey and Bobby have a gigantic family that makes it difficult to plan anything even remotely intimate which is what Bobby and I are wanting. Now, I wouldn’t have been opposed to a small intimate destination wedding with 20 or 30 people on the beach but even our immediate family couldn’t have stayed under that number of people.. At least with a big reception we have plenty of time to plan and budget and send out invitations to everyone. Parties are always a good time! So now, I have just a couple of months to SECRETLY plan a wedding and spend a ton of money on flights, hotels, and a dress and suit for Bobby and I. I have a ton of plans though on how to make it happen. I know how much I can get round trip airfare and a hotel for a week for, and I have great plans on where to buy a dress and how to get it to and from Las Vegas from.. NOT Las Vegas without it getting messed up.. I think we can do the entire trip for just under $2000. Which isn’t bad to me for a mini vacation AND a wedding.. That’s actually less than we paid for our last cruise so win-win as far as I am concerned!

As for me, I am doing alright, just trying to get through work and keep my motivation for that going strong. I am glad this month is almost over because I could definitely use some time off, or maybe just some time with Bobby being home. Either of those would be nice. Good thing he is home this weekend! I think that’s going to be it for updates from me for now.. I am sure I will post something else soon. Brook is almost done with her semester and Bradley graduates in less than a month, so much craziness happening!

Jumping Back on the Bandwagon

So.. if you saw my last post you know I have really been fighting to get my weight under control or to reach a point where I even wanted to get my decisions (AKA don’t put ALL the food in my mouth..) under control. Well, that moment has happened.

I have been paying for Weight Watchers for almost 18 months now. I was down 21 pounds. Which after being stuck on a plateau for MONTHS was amazing! Well, imagine my extreme heartbreak when I went back to my meeting for the first time in about a month yesterday after steady gains for the last 3 or 4 months… and I am only down 2 pounds from where I started. I have put back on almost 20 pounds. Since December. Well.. maybe October.. I got stressed about the church thing, then I was on vacation and then the holidays.. As you can see, it’s a never ending list of excuses for me.

Needless to say, after yesterday, I had a real eye opening moment. Now, don’t get me wrong. I haven’t completely jumped off the diet bandwagon. I still go to the gym religiously. I still get outside and work out there. But I haven’t watched what I eat in months. And I can feel it. And see it. And clearly the scale can see it too. It was a devastating moment to see that everything I have been working towards has literally slid away. At least for now.

So I got on to myself and decided that I was done with that lifestyle. I guess that’s just what I needed to see. I needed to hit that breaking point. And as terrible as it is/was, I think it will make for a good starting point. There is so much that I could be doing differently. Things I used to do but stopped.

Now, I know that this wedding planning, if it ever gets started… is going to be incredibly stressful, but it would be nice to have some sort of cushion for those bad days. I am not going to get to my goals if I don’t quit being lazy and find some motivation to change my diet. I can’t keep eating chocolate bars, bags of skittles, cake, cookies.. greasy cheeseburgers and fries, pizza.. I need to take control of what I am putting into my body.

Now this is all well and good to say, but can I stick with it? I don’t have any idea. I know I want too. I want to be better about what I am eating. Less stressed every time I go to think about food.

Besides, who am I trying to kid? I want to look good.. I want to be pretty.. I want Bobby to be proud of me. To be happy to show me off. I want to be proud of me.. I want to feel comfortable in my skin.. I have never known that feeling. I am one of the most insecure people in the world. Granted you wouldn’t know that if you were to talk to me. I have a very boisterous and flirty personality. But it hides a lot of pain and insecurities.

I will tell you a story about when Bobby and I first started to get together. We started out as a casual fling type of relationship. We were just hanging out, enjoying a physical relationship, and he was helping me train and lose weight. That was it. He told me to keep dating other people and he would date other people so no one would suspect anything was going on between us. Not exactly a flattering start is it? Well it all came to a screeching halt when he started to seriously date someone. Someone who was NOT me. I wasn’t aware of that until his mother told me. We had still been together throughout that time. So I told him he needed to make a decision, me or her. He couldn’t have us both. And by some miracle, he chose me.

Now, if you’ve made it this far you’re probably wondering what in the world that has to do with getting back on a diet bandwagon. Well let me explain, I lost a LOT of my weight during that point in time. I wanted him to like me. To be proud to be seen with me. To be smaller and prettier than the other girl in the picture.. And it almost became an obsession. So now I am in a near constant fear that he will leave me if I gain too much weight, or if he just one day wakes up and finds me unattractive. Not only that, but he didn’t tell people we were actually together until we had been living together for almost a year. So, you can see where the wanting him to be proud of me comes into play.

I wish I could say that when we get married that fear will go away, but I don’t think it will. I need to work on my relationship with myself and to see if I can get some sort of self confidence back.

I know the way this relationship has started probably sounds a bit sketchy, but I can assure you it has since progressed into an incredibly fulfilling relationship. We are quite happy together. We have a good life. A lot of my insecurity stems from previous relationships as well as how this one started. My first serious boyfriend all the way back in high school was abusive. Told me I wasn’t worth anything and that no one else would want me and I was lucky to have him. Then the next boyfriend, also in high school, was much more interested in anime porn as opposed to any sort of actual relationship outside his computer, talk about that being an ego killer. I couldn’t even compete with Japanese animated girls. Then came Aaron.. My first ever SERIOUS boyfriend. College boyfriend. It was a thing. And it was terrible. There was sexual, mental, verbal and emotional abuse.. It was a never-ending cycle. Until one day he left. I felt so incredibly worthless. That was one of the lowest points in my life. I gained about 100 pounds after that and it was a really dark time.

That’s when my weight shame spiral started. And it has been a roller coaster ever since. I’ve had a lot of issues regarding my weight. I am a twin. Now, I love my sister dearly, but I did not like being the “fat twin” in high school. Or college. And I was. I had a lot of other things going on at that time as well, not just the bad boyfriends, not just the being 40 pounds heavier than her, I had anger problems, I was self-harming, I didn’t enjoy school, I didn’t even have soccer or band as an escape anymore. My sister was a captain of the soccer team our senior year, and I played about 4 minutes the entire season. Including my senior night. Brittany was also the first chair in band, she was in control of our section and I had no choice but to do what she said. Since she was the “more talented” one.

Again, I love my sister, but I had A LOT going on throughout that time. I tried to come into my own in college. We were in different major programs and we made out own friends, but she married her high school sweetheart while I was getting my heart broken again and again.

Looking back at this entire post and it seems to have taken a turn for the strange.. It’s not entirely where I thought it would end up. But I can’t seem to make myself go back and delete anything. I feel like it’s gone where it needed to go. So I think for now I am going to leave it here.

I have gotten back on my diet. Today is day 2 of tracking all of my food and making good choices. Let’s see how long we can make this last.

Until next time.

Weight Struggles

So I have been REALLY struggling here lately to get on any sort of diet band wagon. I work out a lot, and I have a consistent weight, but it’s not the weight I want to be at. And I am having a really hard time finding any sort of motivation to work on my weight.

I have always struggled with my weight, and with my feelings about my weight. I get motivated, then I lose my motivation. It’s always been a see-saw kind of relationship with my motivation. And right now I am on the downward side of that see-saw.

I don’t like where I am on the scale, I don’t like what my body looks like in the mirror, I don’t like how I feel about myself when I can’t stop eating sweets.. but I can’t seem to make the necessary changes in my lifestyle to get things under control.

I feel like I am lacking the right motivating factor to get myself in check. But the problem is, I don’t know what motivating factor I need..

I keep telling myself I am going to bet better about my snacking. Be better about my meals. Be better about what I am putting into my body. I know I want to get married at a smaller, healthier, more fit size than I am right now, but I feel like Bobby is dragging his feet about getting married and it is having a pretty negative affect on me.

I wish I could say that if we set a date it would be easier for me, but I don’t honestly know if that’s true. I FEEL like it is, that I could lose weight or at least be healthier if I knew when I needed to have my weight lost by but.. this is the hardest thing for me.

So, I started this post a couple of days ago.. I thought maybe looking back on it, it would change my mind or thoughts about things, but already this morning I ate a gigantic cinnamon roll and last night I had a giant cheeseburger and a slice of pizza so.. I have apparently not hit food rock bottom. I don’t know what else is going to need to happen here to get myself back on board with a diet..

I haven’t been to a weight watchers meeting in about a month and I haven’t even tracked any of my food in weeks.. I think I am going to try to start back over on Thursday (tomorrow) when my points and whatnot get reset for the week. I just need to stay strong this week. If I can make it a week, I can make it two weeks, then another week, and eventually a month, another month, and another month after that until I get myself back on track.

I know I want to be smaller. I know I want to see another number on the scale. I want to be in a wedding dress no matter what size it comes in and just look beautiful. But I can’t seem to get on that track..

Does anyone have any inspiration for me? Any ideas on how to make this work out? I don’t know what else to do now.

Fingers crossed to getting back on track soon. I need it. For me.

Until then, thank you for hanging around.

 

The Stressful Life I Lead

Lord have mercy, this has been a crazy time. A crazy year thus far. Where to start..

Well, I guess we can start with me. Bobby and I have not made any progress on our wedding planning, although we have made the decision that we would like to get married in Las Vegas. Other than that though.. we seem to be at a stand still. It’s slightly disheartening to have made such little progress since it’s such a large part of our lives that we are planning to embark on. Other than that, things have been a bit stressful at work. Communication problems are what we are calling it, essentially, it’s me getting bullied by my boss. I’ve had multiple meetings regarding this lately and tomorrow it looks like it’s going to come to a close since I have a meeting with my boss and her boss. We will see how things go. I am a bit nervous about it, but I know this needs to happen. This needs to be a stepping stone, a way to move forward from where we are. I plan to make my job into a career, and that requires an environment I feel comfortable coming too in order to work. I would like to stay here until requirement, and I am desperately looking forward to making things a little bit better. I don’t need a perfect environment, but I would like it to not be as tense as it is right now, because this doesn’t feel like a healthy place for me right now. I am willing to make any changes necessary to make it a better place to be for the rest of the time I plan to work here.

Let’s move on to my sister, Brittany. She had her mole/skin tag removed, and it has been biopsied. She found out the cells are precancerous. They think they got them all, but they’re going to continue monitoring it and the rest of her moles/skin tags to make sure they aren’t precancerous as well. I am just beyond stressed about this entire thing. It breaks my heart to think that my sister is going through PCOS, through trouble trying to have a baby, and all of this precancerous madness at the same time.. It just doesn’t seem fair. I wish that things could be easier for her. Just this once.

Now we can move on to my parents. My dad has officially retired. He turned in his bunker gear and he is officially done. He is now a nervous wreck, which is worrying the rest of us a little bit. He has never NOT been working. Since he was 14 or 15 he has always had a job. He is already planning on starting a second career very soon, but for now he is worried about it. I think we are going to plan a big party though to try to set his mind a little bit at ease.

My brother did get a full-ride+ scholarship, but it’s through the honor’s college and he isn’t happy about it. He is really stressing about going through the Honor’s College, he just wanted to go to college without any extra or added course work. I think this is a good opportunity for him, but I know he doesn’t see it that way. I love my brother, and he is beyond brilliant, but he is also lazy and tends to have a sense of entitlement. I just hope he realizes what amazing things can happen and come from being in college, applying yourself in college. It’s such a huge time of growth and personal change. I want him to be open to those things. I want him to experience the magic of college that I did. To make friends and to encourage and grow those friendships and himself as a person. We will see how things turn out. Thankfully he is going to school in the same town where I live, I don’t want to helicopter, but I will probably try to take him to lunch a few times a month and see how things are going.

I know all of this stuff probably seems simple and stupid to some people, but part of anxiety is that all of these things are.. monumental in my brain. So I am just trying to move forward without having an anxiety attack about it all.

My Surreal Feels

So, I had a moment over this past weekend where I didn’t know what to do, or how to feel, and the only word I can think of to describe it is surreal.

If you have read any of my past blog posts, you know a little bit about what happened between me and my parent’s church. They decided, after I had been singing with the praise team for several months, that they didn’t like the way I was living my life. They told my dad, who informed me, that by living with my (now) fiancé, I was a bad influence on the youth on the congregation and asked me to step down from the praise team and get into religious counseling with the pastor to save my spiritual life.. Needless to say, after reflecting on the entire situation, I also met with the pastor and the praise team leader, it was requested that I step down, and I left the praise team and the church. I didn’t feel comfortable there, I felt very judged, I felt very upset about the entire situation and how it was approached.

I didn’t know how I felt and I really needed to do some soul searching to determine if my faith, while I was attending that church, was placed in the people I attended church with, or if my faith was in God. And the results of that soul searching made me a little nervous at first. I enjoyed the community I was involved in. I loved the people there. I LOVED singing.. And when all of that was taken away from me. I really had to lean on God. I really had to pray my way through being rejected by the “family” of Christians I thought I had around me. It was a really hard and devastating time for me. I tried several other churches searching for that feeling of belonging but now I find that trying new churches makes me feel.. incredibly shameful.

I do realize that living with my fiancé is against the bible. I do realize that there are rules in the bible about premarital relationships. I realized that my lifestyle and the traditional biblical lifestyle do not “mesh” well together.. That being said, I feel like church is supposed to be a judgment free zone. Should they offer counsel to people in need of it? Absolutely. But should you judge and condemn the members of your congregation? I don’t think so.. It leads to resentment among members, it leads to anger, it leads to hurt feelings.

So, this Sunday was one of the only other times since last October, when I was asked to leave the worship team, that I have been back to that church. And the entire sermon just.. was surreal for me. The pastor spent the sermon talking about how his (extremely) traditional church is failing. The church consists of an extremely old congregation. My parents are one of the youngest couples there. There are NO youth. NO members under 30. NO children’s church. And he can’t figure out why.

I really had to bite my tongue. Because I can tell him why he doesn’t have any millennial age people attending his church. It’s not that people my age don’t believe in Christianity. It’s not that people my age have problems with the bible. Are we a bit more lax as far as following the traditional biblical rules? Yes. Myself included. But all we really want, is to feel accepted. To feel welcomed at church. No matter what church it happens to be. That’s all I want. To walk into a church and not instantly feel like people are judging me. Like I am unwelcome. Like I am a terrible person just because I made different choices.

I feel like I was pushed out of church. I feel like my generation is being slowly pushed out of church. I feel like you should definitely preach on what you’re called to preach on. But I don’t think you should specifically attack members of your congregation in your sermons when they have confided in you about intimate details of their lives.. Which has happened multiple times at that church.. And it has pushed people away. Not just me. I have watched multiple couples, young adults, youth, and couples with young children leave the church.. It doesn’t feel like a welcoming environment.

I can’t just blame the pastor. The entire congregation is very unwelcoming. They’re all older. They’re all extremely hypocritical. They’re all judgmental.

I am struggling today. I don’t want to be happy that the church is struggling. As a Christian, you want to church to do well. But, I am really having a hard time being gracious towards this church. Towards these members. These people who essentially abandoned me when they “found out” about my lifestyle. I know I am supposed to be upset that they’re struggling, but I’m not..

I need to get a handle on things. But I don’t think it will be today.

 

March-ing On

So, miraculously I have managed to not post for another month. Hello March. Goodbye March. I can’t believe it’s already almost April. Let’s catch up on what’s been happening since sometime in the middle of February..

Since my last post, Brooklyn, my youngest sister has turned 21. So congratulations to her! Not only that but she and her boyfriend decided they would take some time off last weekend and go boating to just get out of the house for a bit and celebrate on their own. They drove the boat through a giant flock of water turkeys and was going too fast. (Also, didn’t know what a water turkey was, but it’s a real thing..) The water turkeys busted up the boat, shattered the windshield and a piece of the plexi-glass windshield actually flew through the air and cut her hand open. She ended up with two stitches and an exposed tendon. She’s fine though, just missing some skin and clinicals for school since she can’t work in the hospital with an open wound. (She’s in school for nursing right now, and doing exceptionally well actually.) Other than that, that area of life has been reasonably calm. She said she’s had a good birthday and is just ready for her hand to feel better so she can get back to work.

Bradley, my little brother, has turned 18 in all of this. He’s getting ready to graduate in May and we have plans to go to Six Flags that weekend to celebrate. Which is exciting. He has also been playing soccer again which is fun for him. He said he needed to lose some excess weight and this was the way he wanted to lose it. I can’t believe he actually joined soccer again, there’s a back story to why he wasn’t playing, he had disagreed with the coach a few seasons ago and quit soccer to get a part-time job after school instead. I am proud of him though for realizing what he needed to do to be happy with himself and taking that step. He’s been enjoying his time as a senior. He made it to All-State for Academic Team and that’s exciting. He has worked really hard all year and he is so smart. He definitely deserved to make it to All-State. He also got his college scholarship offer for his school of choice and he got a FULL-RIDE! He will get to go to college for free! So that is super exciting! Especially for my parents. They have already had to pay for me, a tiny smidge, and my little sister, also a tiny smidge. But when you have four kids, it’s probably always a concern how much you’re going to have to pay so I am thankful they won’t have to worry about that.

An update on my parents, my dad has officially retired from the fire department after almost 26 years. He seems to be enjoying his time off. He has been working his second job a lot and he likes that too. He has also been playing around in his field with his cows and chickens. They now have the most updated barns and waterers in the world, I am sure about that. Haha! My mom is settling in to her job just fine. Although now they, by they, I mean my dad, are trying to get mom a new job at my dad’s second job. He works at the election office and they’ve got several positions open right now and he wants her to switch jobs to work there instead. It’s a pay raise for her and she could ride with him but I don’t think she is going to do it. She loves my dad, but she’s pretty used to her own time now that she’s been on her own for about 26 years. Lol. I guess time will tell though. For now though, she seems pretty happy where she’s at.

Brittany and her husband seem to be doing alright. If you count owing a bunch of money to taxes, student loans, and adding on a broken water heater as doing alright.. She has definitely had a bit of a rocky start to 2017. Her in-laws are not exactly helping. They’re all tangled up in a big student loan menagerie.. I just do my best to stay out of their relationship with the in-laws. One of these days we will share a set of in-laws and as much as I want their relationship to be good, I don’t want to potentially ruin my own in the process. Brittany is losing weight though! She joined Weight Watchers with me so she can get her weight back on track since they are still trying for a baby. The PCOS has really taken a toll on her, and now she is going to be getting a mole removed to check for skin cancer, this will be her second mole removed that’s been biopsied… I  am trying not to be worried, but that’s my sister… My twin. Of course I am worried. I want her to be okay. I worry about her medically.. She always seems to have a hard time when it comes to doctors and things like that. I wish I knew what to say and how to help but I don’t.

As for an update on me, things are… going. I’m not extremely happy at the moment. I am wanting to plan this wedding but… Bobby isn’t really giving me a lot of forward momentum to make that happen. He doesn’t want to set a date, he doesn’t want to pick a venue, he doesn’t really even want a wedding… He says he just wants to run away to Las Vegas. And that makes me really upset in all honesty. I just want to get the rest of my life started. And I just want him to WANT that too… Some days I don’t feel like he does. He wants to get married, we just are approaching it from different angles and directions. I really thought that getting engaged would make me happier but I feel like it’s just more stress. Maybe we should just run away and get married… On top of all of that, work has been a complete pain in the ass lately. My big supervisor really, REALLY, dislikes me. And she’s making my life really hard. I am trying to be completely unbiased and just accept that she is going to be critical of me, because that’s her job. To make sure I do a good job and that our department and our company produce good results. But in the meantime it makes things difficult.

I don’t know what else to update you on.. My life is a crazy messy whirlwind right now but I can’t think of anything else to add for now.

Until next time.