I posted an article to start this one off, because this article is amazing. It talks about the side of depression no one wants to acknowledge or talk about. And that is so very appreciated to someone like me, who has fought depression and has been the person who pushes people away.
It’s terrible to feel so alone and judged and then one day wake up literally find yourself alone. Friends who were supposed to be there are gone and in your more rational moments you realize, it’s your fault they’re gone.
The article talks about how when you are depressed you bring people into your depression with you, which can result in losing them. No one wants to be around someone who is depressed because it’s depressing.. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that. When you just need someone there, or you just want to go somewhere and you’re hoping or praying that someone, anyone, will ask you to tag along, and no one does. When you finally get up the courage to ask why, they tell you it’s because your attitude brings everyone around you down and they wanted to have fun. That’s when you hear a sentence that can hurt you more than anything, “you’re just not fun”.
The first time I heard that, I was in college. Recovering from my terrible breakup with an abusive boyfriend. I had been working so hard to pull myself out of my depression. I had been working on being happy, or at least smiling and pretending to be happy. My mom always told me “fake it until you make it”. And I was trying. I thought I had been making excellent progress and it was devastating to my emotional health to hear that I was so very wrong. It was like being plunged back into the deepest part of my depression. All of the negative thoughts I had finally pushed behind the glass came rushing back to me. Those “you’re worthless”, “this is why he left you”, “this is why you’re alone and will always be alone”, so many negative things that ran through my head, things that still run through my head occasionally.
Even after all of these years, even with the inspiration that comes from my boyfriend, I still have a lot of these negative thought. I ask myself all the time, why does he love me? Why is he here with me? I don’t feel in my heart that I deserve him, and that causes me a lot of anxiety. I love him. I want him to be happy. I have been trying to better myself and my thought processes to ensure that I don’t tear my relationship to bits.
One things no one realizes, even when you stop exhibiting the “signs” of depression, the moodiness, the struggle to get out of bed, and the many many more that come with it, it’s STILL a daily battle. Just because physically things look like they’re alright, doesn’t mean that mentally things are okay. Depression is a constant, every single day mental battle. The negative thoughts never go away. They are just managed. Some days better than others.
I wish I had the right words to apologize to all of the friends and family who have had to deal with me and my depression throughout the years. I wish I had the right words to thank them for not abandoning me. Because I think things would have had a very different outcome had I actually BEEN completely alone. So a huge THANK YOU, and a huge I’M SORRY to all of my friends who I still have (I’ll admit, it’s not many), and all of my family. I literally couldn’t/wouldn’t be here without each and every one of you.