Alright! Moving on down the list of my 25 (the first 25 I could think of anyways..) fears! And number four to me is quite a doozy. It’s hard to put this fear into coherent thoughts in my head but I am going to try to get it all together and make some sense of it on paper!
I work at a job where I see a lot of the bad that happens in the world that most people can turn a blind eye too. I won’t go into detail, mostly because I can’t, but also because no one else needs that awareness. I used to want kids. I wanted a lot of kids. I came from a large family, one of four children, and I always wanted a family like that for myself. We have a great bond and none of us kids were ever lonely and we always had someone to run around with or play with. I loved that.
Since working here, I have completely lost all respect in people and I fear for the safety of any child I would bring into this world. There are so many bad people and so much that can go wrong. It’s terrifying.
Outside of work, I have other fears that go along with having children. What if I am a terrible mother? What if I can’t handle the stress or rigor of being a mother? I am worried about how I would handle having children when I have anxiety disorders and stress literally overwhelms me to the point of a mental breakdown and a lack of basic functioning. If something were to happen that pushed me to that point, what would I do? I would hate to lose my temper, or have a black out type moment (which, unfortunately happens..) and do something that would harm the baby.. That would be the most devastating thing that could ever happen.
I am also worried about post partum depression. I am at risk for it anyways, it runs in my family, and my mother had it. I already suffer from depression so it seems almost natural that I would end up with post partum. Then I would be absent from the baby’s life which would lead to a lack of a bond with the baby. Adding in the potential for an anxiety attack and a lack of mental capacity to deal with it from the depression and I worry for my own safety as well as the baby’s.
I also have another fear, which is, I’ll admit, purely selfish. I have fought very hard to lose a little over 100 pounds from my heaviest point in my life, and I am so terrified of putting all of it, plus more, back on. I have worked really hard and I don’t know if I can find the motivation to do it all over again. I know I would do my best to have a healthy pregnancy and not gain more weight than necessary for a healthy baby, but that doesn’t mean I would be successful in that attempt.
Then there comes the time after the baby is born. What if they’re not into any of the things I was into as a child? Sports I like or did? What if we have no common ground and I can’t relate to them? What if I am a terrible, pushy mother who tries to force them to do the things they hate because that’s the only thing I know? I just don’t trust myself to be a good parent. A good mother. I would love a child endlessly with everything I possess but what if I do it wrong?
Then there is the fear that something will end up being wrong with me or the baby. My twin has PCOS, what if I do and it’s just undiagnosed? What if I have endometriosis like my aunt? What if I have a physical problem that won’t allow me to have children? What if something happens to them due to my physical body? What if I hurt the baby on accident before the baby is even born?
How in the world do parents do this..? Is the stress of just thinking about the life you could create not this bad for other people?
I don’t even know how to approach this fear to even begin to get over it. Thankfully I am not engaged or married and children are not in the immediate future for me, but I would eventually like to try.. I know Bobby wants them desperately at some point in the future.
If anyone out there, mother, expecting mother, or someone who has decided to try, or even not to try for a baby has any advice or input it would be greatly appreciated.
Thank for reading.