Fear 5. My Depression

Depression doesn’t automatically sound like something to be feared, but for me it is. Sometimes my depression can be overwhelming. It can be debilitating. It can be very scary indeed.

I am always scared of falling back into my depression, and that when I do, it will be the one time I can’t manage to climb out. If I do fall into a depression, will I end up alone? Will Bobby leave me? Will I end up on medication that hampers me more than it hurts me? What will happen to me and will I end up dependent on medication for the rest of my life?

All of those fears and many more are rolled up in my head all the time. They make it hard to escape and be my own person sometimes.

I often have to ask myself if these fears are even grounded. Do they even mean anything? Do they have any effect on my life? And then I realize, its a conscious effort every single day to be happy. I work at it. I work really hard.

I have often wondered if I am bipolar. I have deep times in my life when I don’t have the energy to do anything and I have to work exceptionally hard at getting my mindset right for the upcoming day. Then there are some days when I make excessive impulse decisions and I ride those decision through to the end before fear and panic overwhelms me and I drop back down into a depression. I bought a new car on impulse. Drove to the dealership, traded in my old car and drove off in a new one. I didn’t even blink at the $300/month increase in payments, or the fact that I would be increasing my insurance by $100 a month for full coverage all at one time. It took me about 3 days to realize the financial impact on my life and how much my budget was going to be affected.

I bought my house in much the same way. I was living in an apartment and I woke up one night to the college kids above me screaming and stomping and partying (again) at 2 in the morning. I had to be up in just a few hours to get ready for work and I had already talked to the landlord several times before then about the excessive noise and the rudeness of them parking in my designated spot. It sounds silly, but those were big things to me in my frustrated depressed state. So one day, I started packing my stuff up, and I started house shopping. I found a house I liked within 2 months, closed on it within another month and had moved out of my apartment and into the house within 4 months. I didn’t hesitate to add yet another $300 a month increase in cost of living, and another $200 in utilities, then another $150 in cable and internet.. All of that on top of buying a new car just 5 months before..

Sometimes I just don’t think. It took me until I got back from my vacation to realize the financial impact THAT was going to have on my life. It’s been several months since then and things are starting to even out in the financial aspect, but I always have to ask myself when will the next time be? What will I be purchasing next? What is going to happen to finances when I get back into a rut and then I end up slightly manic taking a giant risk again?

Is depression always like this? It is always a matter of buying your way out? Finding one thing you think will make you happy and going after it before you sink back down?

I am scared of it always being like this. Always the ups and the downs. Always the internal questioning of whether I am actually happy, or whether I am pretending again. And then asking myself if I am pretending that day. Trying to realize what is happening in my mind It’s a never ending battle.

I am scared for my future. I wish I knew if it included medicine, or if it didn’t. Am I going to fight this battle forever? Am I going to end up with postpartum? Am I going to end up alone after pushing everyone away?

Another fear that I can’t face until it comes around. It’s a lifelong fear. But I hope that one day I learn a better way to handle it and deal with it.

Thanks for reading.

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