This fear seems to go hand in hand with my depression. I am afraid of what it can and will do to me in the future. Will it require medication? Is it going to make my life harder when I try to have children or get married? I have so much anxiety and stress in my life on a daily basis I can’t imagine adding anymore.
I want a lot out of life, but life itself makes me exceedingly nervous. There is no way to plan for it. It’s unexpected at all times. Anything can happen at any time. That scares me. I have been in and out of counseling, but it never makes my anxiety any less than it has been. I learn coping mechanisms, I learn how to identify and deal with panic attacks, because I do have Panic Anxiety Disorder, but even with identifying and handling panic attacks and anxiety I don’t feel like I have a better handle on it in general.
It doesn’t really seem to “hinder” me throughout my life, but there are a lot of side effects that come along with an anxiety disorder. I chew/bite my nails until they bleed when I am stressed out or suffering from my anxiety. When I am stressed, I also tend to get cold sores or fever blisters. Which are a result of changes in mood, hormone levels, and just in general the stress causing the body’s immune system to drop. I also tend to panic and run away from whatever has panicked me. For example, sometimes I just get overwhelmed. I was trying to let my parents and sisters dogs in once and they had wet feet from the grass. There’s six of them, and they’re all big, but I shouldn’t have lost my cool when I couldn’t corral them all inside one at a time. I yelled at them and screamed. Left the back door wide open and scared them all as I ran away in tears to lock myself in the bathroom and cry about how my day had taken such a drastic turn. It’s not always something big or dramatic that leads to an episode.
It’s episodes like that one that make me question my ability to be a parent. I know eventually I will have to disclose all of that to Bobby in a way he’ll understand, because I think right now he doesn’t understand that it’s not always big, scary things that overwhelm me. Having kids is a fear in and of itself so adding my anxiety and depression on top of it is.. Awful.
Is there hope for me? Am I really doomed to fight this everyday battle for the rest of my life?
Recently I have taken large steps to attempt to get my anxiety under control. I have tried to stop biting my nails, they’re now long enough I can put polish on them. They’re currently a light blue with glitter. Not exactly professional but I work in the back so it’s not as big of a deal for me. I haven’t had a cold sore in several months. And that makes me pleased. Especially since I have been through some large changes in my life recently. Bobby and I made our first large purchase together, a new truck for him, which ties us together for the next 7 years of our lives permanently. While it’s exciting, it’s also nerve wracking to be financially planning for not only my own future now, but his, ours as well.
It gives me something good to focus on. Something to aim and try for. But I can admit, it’s also exceptionally nerve wracking as well. I don’t want to be a disappointment to people around me or to myself.
So here’s to trying again. Fighting one more day. Handling whatever life decides to throw at me.
Thanks for reading.