I have been on a roller coaster with my weight for as long as I can remember. When I was young, fourth or fifth grade, I played softball, soccer, and tried cheerleading for one devastating season. Throughout cheerleading I was always told to eat less, smile more and cover my face in makeup so I would be prettier. I was never the smallest girl on my softball team or my soccer team despite running just as much as the other girls. Maybe more since my attitude always earned me extra laps.
Those types of comments continued on through middle school where I ballooned to a larger size. And then I continued to grow. And grow. I was still playing sports, but I moved right before my 8th grade year and it was very hard for me to make new friends in a small town school where “new” kids just didn’t fit in and never would.
I kept getting bigger in high school. I was still running. Still playing sports. I was trying. I didn’t think I was TOO big. But I was one of the biggest girls on my soccer team and it was hard for me to feel good about myself or my weight. I graduated high school at 170 pounds. I was 30 pounds heavier than my sister. Which no one let me forget. I was several sizes larger than she was even though I had the same exercise program and food in my daily life.
As I went to college, things just got astronomically worse. I was in a steady relationship for the first time ever and he was abusive. I gained a lot more weight with his abuse and the never-ending comments about how I was too fat to get another boyfriend, too ugly, too big, not good enough, not smart enough. He left and I entered into a depression. I put on a total of 100 pounds give or take a few after I graduated high school. I put on weight in a relationship, I put on weight after we broke up, I put on weight and put on weight. I couldn’t lose any weight.
My last year in college I worked hard to lose weight. I wanted to fit into my bridesmaid dress for my sisters wedding in May. I lost about 50 pounds before the wedding. I ran and I worked out with my University’s ROTC program. After graduation, Bobby and I kept up with the exercising. It gave us something to do and bond over. I lost another 25 to 30 pounds with him and I was finally under 200 pounds again. For a little bit of reference I am only 5’4 and 270 pounds was an extremely unhealthy, unattractive weight for my body type.
Now that I was finally under 200 pounds, I knew I needed help to get the rest of the weight off. I started my new job and after 6 months or so, the ladies in my office decided we would try Weight Watchers together while we trained for a half marathon. Our half marathon is actually coming up this weekend and I have lost another 35 pounds. I am now down below my high school graduation weight and I have lost a little over 100 pounds.
The main problem for me though is that I am still not happy. I don’t feel good. I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel proud of losing any of the weight because when I look in the mirror I still see the 270 pound me looking back. I see all the flaws. The belly pooch, the stretch marks, the chubby cheeks, the big thighs.. I don’t know how to fix my self image problem. My boyfriend tells me all the time I am beautiful, but I don’t see it and it makes it very hard to believe him.
I am still not happy with my weight. It’s not just the way I look, but the number I see. It’s hard for me. It’s bad for my confidence. I want to be where my doctor thinks I need to be. To be there, I still need to lose another 25 pounds. I can see a lot of places where it could come off of, but so far it has stayed put. I am just trying to work harder now. I go to the gym 3 to 5 times a week, I run, I train. I just want to see progress. I just want to FEEL the progress.
I wish things were simpler and easier. I wish that my mirror was just built to show me the progress I have made as opposed to the faults I see. But it isn’t. And I can’t depend on other people because it’s in my mind.
So until then. I will continue to workout and do my best to see the results.