Expectations

I have been with Bobby for several years now. A lot of things are wonderful, but there are some things that are just really frustrating. I think it’s part of a relationship to be frustrated occasionally and I understand his family is a little unconventional, but I have several expectations and I am waiting, not so patiently anymore, for them to be met.

I don’t feel like I ask for a lot. I haven’t pushed for us to get married. I haven’t pressured him about public commitments, but there are some things that I want from him that I haven’t been able to get just yet.

His mother and father divorced when he was young. Maybe 3 or 4 years old. And it was a BITTER divorce. Lot’s of anger and hatred that two small kids didn’t need to see but did. They are both remarried now and much happier with their new families.

Bobby is much closer to his mother than his father and it is definitely showing right about now. Since we have been publically dating, which in all actuality hasn’t been that long, we have been invited to do several things with his father’s side of the family. We haven’t gone to any of them.

I realize he is closer to his mother, and I know that because of the bitterness of the divorce that he worries about spending any sort of time with his father for fear his mother will find out and get upset. And yes, she has done that many times before.. It’s sad to me that she has that much anger still even though she has been remarried for 20 or so years now.

But with all of the anger and bitterness it’s caused problems for me and Bobby. We haven’t seen his father or any of his father’s family in months, and I have only met his father’s family once when my sister was getting married. My twin is married to Bobby’s older brother.

We have now been invited to a Memorial Day celebration with his father’s side of the family. He says we probably won’t be going. Again. I am just so.. disappointed. Frustrated. I feel like maybe it’s my fault? And then I think well, maybe it isn’t, he hasn’t been super close to his father’s side for years, but it still really sucks.

Is it wrong of me to want to go? To want to meet and be accepted by his WHOLE family? I hear a lot of great things about them from my sister, she loves them all, but I feel like they probably think I am a flake. Sometimes he says we will go to events or functions, then we end up not going. I hate when he does that to me.

I don’t think he realizes how much it hurts my feelings, and I don’t have a good way to talk to him about it without losing my temper. I feel like he doesn’t want to go because he is embarrassed of me. I know that’s probably an irrational fear, but it’s still there in my brain anyways. He tells me I am beautiful. Brings me flowers. Takes me out. But not to family functions with his father’s family. We spend a lot of time with his mother’s side. But not his father’s.

Any advice for me on coping with this? Talking to him about it? Just accepting things the way they are?

Is it wrong to feel this way? Because it feels wrong. It feels like I should just be happy that he loves me and takes such good care of me. But I want more. I want to be included in all aspects of his life.

Is it wrong to have expectations like this?

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Fear 9. Money

I don’t think this one is hard to understand. I think everyone has this fear unless they’re just literally rich and don’t have to worry about money.

I make enough money at my chosen career to live very comfortably, but I still feel like I live paycheck to paycheck. Between all of my bills and things that have been acquired and require me to pay money each month, I have enough for some fun things and all the groceries I can think of eating, but my savings account could use some help. I don’t have as much in there as I know I should. I need to have enough money in my savings account to pay for at least 1 or 2 months of my bills if something ever happened.

I think part of my problem is that I enjoy going places and doing things. Bobby and I take a lot of vacations, both big and small. We’re prepping right now to go on a cruise out of Florida, which means we have to get flights to Florida. Not to mention we are trying to plan for the excursions and things we want to do while we are in the Bahamas (that’s where we’re going).

Bobby and I made a pact that we would both split the bills in the house. And that’s worked out very well. Apart from his truck payment I made sure that if something ever happened I could pay all of the bills on my own. But he seems to be very happy with me and the house we have together. Although money is still an issue occasionally. That’s one of the only things we fight about.

When we fight about money, it generally comes down to him telling me I am being too generous with my money. I love to give gifts and now that I have the money to give good gifts or gifts that are generally too expensive for the rest of my family to give I enjoy giving them. I like to help my family with things they can’t afford to get for themselves. I’ve sent my parents on a cruise, and I gave my little sister a tablet. I also like to donate to charities and I enjoy spending money on things to make other people happy.

Bobby doesn’t quite understand that sense of giving that I have. He thinks that since I work hard for my money I should keep it.

It’s so strange to me that some coins and pieces of paper are essentially what can make or break you in this whole big world. But here I am cruising into adulthood and the first worry I have every day is “what if I don’t have enough money to get this done? Or that done? Oh wait, I forgot I also needed to do this, or get that..” It’s never ending. It’s a constant circle and a constant fear of not having enough. Not getting enough.

This seems like a silly and totally irrational fear when you read about it, or even when you talk about it, but I know everyone out there has felt it at some point. Whether it was watching your parents struggle to make ends meet, or watching your friends not get to go out because their parents didn’t have enough, maybe it was a lesson you had to learn on your own when you got to college and realized while you were taking advantage of the free education that is public schools, college doesn’t work that way. It’s expensive. That saddles you with loans you will be paying off for YEARS. Although, maybe you coasted through college too and it didn’t hit you until you got your first house or apartment, or the first time a collection agency called you for a loan payment you had forgotten about.. It’s unexpected. It hits randomly at any point in life. For anyone.

Unfortunately, I think this fear is just something that will have to be overcome when material things don’t matter as much, when I get to retirement age and have things paid off, then I can start to worry about the money for my rest of life care, and my end of life care, or perhaps try to plan for funeral costs, lord knows those aren’t cheap either..

And now I realize, it will never go away. It can’t be combatted in a way that makes it winnable. There will always be something that costs money that causes worry, causes stress. You just have to try to plan for it, prepare for it, and be okay with the fact that deep down you did everything you could do to provide for yourself, your family and eventually the rest of the people around you.

Thanks for reading.

Thoughts On (My) Life

So I am currently sitting at work and I keep getting a lot of things running through my head. I can’t focus on anything else so I am hoping that by getting it all out there I will be able to focus on my work and get something accomplished today.

Lately I have been thinking about the infamous ex-best friend. I came across something that made me think of her and now I am having trouble getting her off my mind. I don’t miss her and I know that, but I am having trouble leaving her in the past where she needs to be left. I missed her birthday last month. I didn’t acknowledge it on social networks or send her a message. Maybe I should have, but she seems to have her life in order at the moment (as far as I know anyways) and I didn’t want to ruin that for her. Especially not on her birthday. It feels weird to me to want her to be happy and want good things for her when I feel like there is no trust or love lost between us. I just wish I could get my thoughts and my feelings on the same level.

Another thing that’s been swirling around in my head has been trying to decide if I can sustain the level of happiness my relationship is at. We have a fabulous relationship. We’re happy. We get along wonderfully. But I keep having thoughts about whether or not he will stay happy with me. I feel like a burden. I know I bring a lot of emotional baggage to our relationship. I also degrade myself a lot as far as my looks go. I feel like he deserves more. I try to stay fit, but fit for me is not as pretty as fit for some of his ex girlfriends. He has always dated skinny girls and I am just. Not. I wish I could shut my mind off when it goes down that path. I feel like I am happy. I feel like I am at a good place as far as our relationship goes, he takes care of me and my emotions. He doesn’t seem to mind having to put up with me and my mood swings. It’s just a worry that I have that I can’t seem to get rid of.

Something else that has been weighing on my mind is the fact that my cousin has come back to the state. He had been living with his father in Colorado, but he’s come back now. He molested me when we were younger and he tried to attack me once upon a time when we were younger. I don’t trust him and he makes me nervous. I haven’t invited him to my new home because I don’t want him to know where I live. I am worried he will again take advantage of my grandparents. He has stolen from my grandparents as well as my parents to feed his drug addiction and his assorted other bad habits. I am glad that my little sister has moved away for school so I don’t have to worry about him coming over to my parents uninvited and potentially hurting her. He has brought many unwanted and uninvited friends to family events and parties and they are also unscrupulous characters. He just makes me excessively nervous and I worry he could hurt my grandparents who are getting into their elderly years. I don’t even know where in the state he is staying right now and that just makes matters worse for me. I hope one day he just ends up in prison so I can be done being scared.

I have also been rolling around the idea of going back to school, but then I worry about the money since I would have to take out loans, if I would get accepted and if I could even do it after all the time I have spent out of school. I have been thinking about really studying for the GRE and taking the exam again. I want to get in to a good school. I want to do it well if I decide to do it at all. But can I do it? There are a lot of things to think about. I would need a school that provides the degree I am looking for in an online format so I could continue to work. I would have to plan vacations around school and loan payments. I think I could do it, but it would be hard and leave little room for slacking off and my ever increasing bouts on feeling unmotivated. On one hand though.. it might be good to have something additional to focus on. Especially since it doesn’t look like I will be planning a wedding anytime soon. Bobby says I have a long time to wait before we get to that stage. Thankfully though he seems to be still thinking that that’s where we’re headed. Which is s relief. Since we live together, have cars and a cat together, as well as split all the bills. We’re also set to take another cruise together in December.

Money is always an issue that floats about in my brain as well. I don’t feel like I live paycheck to paycheck, but at the end of each month I am convinced that’s what I do. I have been trying to beef up my savings account as well as get all the bills paid and pay off my credit card which shouldn’t have as much on it as it does, but we used it on our last cruise and that got a bit more expensive than I had anticipated. It was well worth it though because we had a wonderful time and I think it really brought us much closer together than either of us had anticipated. I have been trying to follow Dave Ramsey’s approach to getting rid of debt, but I realize I have broken several of the rules so far. I didn’t buy a new car for me, but I did put my name on Bobby’s new truck. So we acquired some more debt through that outlet as well as our house. Although I consider that a necessary investment after the rude people we had to live with in the apartment complex. My mission at the moment is to get my credit card paid off, then get my car paid off, the house is going to literally take years… so I am not even going to put that on my radar, but if we can get my car paid off and his truck, we should be in pretty good shape. Between the two payments, that’s an additional house payment plus some each month (we have expensive tastes and I think it’s causing some problems at this stage, but will be worth it later since our cars won’t have as large of a depreciation once they are paid off). I need a better system on how to pay everything off and keep more money at the end of the month. But I haven’t quite got it figured out just yet. This is part of adulthood that no one prepared me for. I don’t ever remember my parents or grandparents telling me the reason we couldn’t go out all the time was because of all the bills, they just said no.

I know this has been super random, and I am sorry about that. These are just some things I needed to try to get a handle on and get figured out, or at least off of my mind so I can focus on my job for a bit.

Thanks for reading.

Where is my Motivation?

I go through cycles in life where I am incredibly motivated to get things done, change my life and ultimately change the world, then suddenly, just seconds, hours, weeks later.. I’ve got nothing. I don’t even want to get out of bed or go to work. What gives?

Depression. And it doesn’t give. It takes. It takes my time, my energy, my self esteem and ultimately, my motivation to get a single thing accomplished. And trying to crawl out of it’s depths and find the courage to do anything becomes an incredible struggle.

I am in the hole depression has dug at the moment. I can always tell when I get here, I can smile on the outside, pretend I am having a good time, that life is going just where I want it to go, but I know the truth. I don’t get much done at work because I can’t focus and it’s in my head that even if I get focused to do something, I will probably do it wrong anyways, so what’s the point? I haven’t been to the gym or for a run in several weeks, with the exception of my first half marathon, which I ran over the weekend. I was already committed to doing it, so I went. I did well actually. Not as well as I wanted, but  for my first time and after suffering some injuries, I don’t think I did bad at all. I have noticed something else happens when I get into my depression. I do NOT eat well. I don’t eat the things I should. My weight bounces back and forth over being up and being down but with the lack of exercise and the bad foods, you can guess which way it bounces when I get to feeling low.

So how do I get that motivation back? Does it just magically appear? Well, the answer to that is, sometimes it does. Or sometimes it only goes away and comes back quick before I really notice it’s been gone. Today though, I am trying something new. I am going to try to make myself get something done. I started a load of laundry before work this morning, I brought clothes to go to the gym after work, and I brought my grocery list to get some shopping done at some point today. Do I think it’s going to work? I’m not sure. But I think it’s better than sitting there and doing nothing.

I have a meeting this morning where I am going to weigh in, this helps keep me accountable of my weight. I know I am going to be up a little bit, but I am determined to be okay with it and just move on. Not let it get me down. I hate when I see a number on the scale moving up rather than down. But I know these things happen.

I planned a fun filled weekend with Bobby while he is home from work. I will be able to get in some exercise and I think that will help things too. We are planning to go rock climbing, and to an auction where I will get to walk around. We are also debating about going to the Air and Space Museum. I’ve never been and I think that could actually be a great deal of fun.

At some point this month I also have a winery tour with my mother, grandmother and sisters. It’s the mother’s day gift from me. I think we would all enjoy the quality time together as well as the walk and general information about wine. I don’t drink it much, but I am a scientist and fascinated by the wine making process.

The weather is getting prettier as well. Which should make things easier in the long run. I wish I wasn’t inside so much for work. I would enjoy being outside in the sun more.

Is any of this going to have an impact on my motivation or lack thereof? I don’t know. but I do know that I am trying no matter what. I have plans, things I want to do, things I need to do. Things that I am hoping will make a difference. Maybe not today, but eventually. They’re new coping mechanisms for me to deal with the slumps of depression.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading.