I go through cycles in life where I am incredibly motivated to get things done, change my life and ultimately change the world, then suddenly, just seconds, hours, weeks later.. I’ve got nothing. I don’t even want to get out of bed or go to work. What gives?
Depression. And it doesn’t give. It takes. It takes my time, my energy, my self esteem and ultimately, my motivation to get a single thing accomplished. And trying to crawl out of it’s depths and find the courage to do anything becomes an incredible struggle.
I am in the hole depression has dug at the moment. I can always tell when I get here, I can smile on the outside, pretend I am having a good time, that life is going just where I want it to go, but I know the truth. I don’t get much done at work because I can’t focus and it’s in my head that even if I get focused to do something, I will probably do it wrong anyways, so what’s the point? I haven’t been to the gym or for a run in several weeks, with the exception of my first half marathon, which I ran over the weekend. I was already committed to doing it, so I went. I did well actually. Not as well as I wanted, but for my first time and after suffering some injuries, I don’t think I did bad at all. I have noticed something else happens when I get into my depression. I do NOT eat well. I don’t eat the things I should. My weight bounces back and forth over being up and being down but with the lack of exercise and the bad foods, you can guess which way it bounces when I get to feeling low.
So how do I get that motivation back? Does it just magically appear? Well, the answer to that is, sometimes it does. Or sometimes it only goes away and comes back quick before I really notice it’s been gone. Today though, I am trying something new. I am going to try to make myself get something done. I started a load of laundry before work this morning, I brought clothes to go to the gym after work, and I brought my grocery list to get some shopping done at some point today. Do I think it’s going to work? I’m not sure. But I think it’s better than sitting there and doing nothing.
I have a meeting this morning where I am going to weigh in, this helps keep me accountable of my weight. I know I am going to be up a little bit, but I am determined to be okay with it and just move on. Not let it get me down. I hate when I see a number on the scale moving up rather than down. But I know these things happen.
I planned a fun filled weekend with Bobby while he is home from work. I will be able to get in some exercise and I think that will help things too. We are planning to go rock climbing, and to an auction where I will get to walk around. We are also debating about going to the Air and Space Museum. I’ve never been and I think that could actually be a great deal of fun.
At some point this month I also have a winery tour with my mother, grandmother and sisters. It’s the mother’s day gift from me. I think we would all enjoy the quality time together as well as the walk and general information about wine. I don’t drink it much, but I am a scientist and fascinated by the wine making process.
The weather is getting prettier as well. Which should make things easier in the long run. I wish I wasn’t inside so much for work. I would enjoy being outside in the sun more.
Is any of this going to have an impact on my motivation or lack thereof? I don’t know. but I do know that I am trying no matter what. I have plans, things I want to do, things I need to do. Things that I am hoping will make a difference. Maybe not today, but eventually. They’re new coping mechanisms for me to deal with the slumps of depression.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks for reading.