Thoughts On (My) Life

So I am currently sitting at work and I keep getting a lot of things running through my head. I can’t focus on anything else so I am hoping that by getting it all out there I will be able to focus on my work and get something accomplished today.

Lately I have been thinking about the infamous ex-best friend. I came across something that made me think of her and now I am having trouble getting her off my mind. I don’t miss her and I know that, but I am having trouble leaving her in the past where she needs to be left. I missed her birthday last month. I didn’t acknowledge it on social networks or send her a message. Maybe I should have, but she seems to have her life in order at the moment (as far as I know anyways) and I didn’t want to ruin that for her. Especially not on her birthday. It feels weird to me to want her to be happy and want good things for her when I feel like there is no trust or love lost between us. I just wish I could get my thoughts and my feelings on the same level.

Another thing that’s been swirling around in my head has been trying to decide if I can sustain the level of happiness my relationship is at. We have a fabulous relationship. We’re happy. We get along wonderfully. But I keep having thoughts about whether or not he will stay happy with me. I feel like a burden. I know I bring a lot of emotional baggage to our relationship. I also degrade myself a lot as far as my looks go. I feel like he deserves more. I try to stay fit, but fit for me is not as pretty as fit for some of his ex girlfriends. He has always dated skinny girls and I am just. Not. I wish I could shut my mind off when it goes down that path. I feel like I am happy. I feel like I am at a good place as far as our relationship goes, he takes care of me and my emotions. He doesn’t seem to mind having to put up with me and my mood swings. It’s just a worry that I have that I can’t seem to get rid of.

Something else that has been weighing on my mind is the fact that my cousin has come back to the state. He had been living with his father in Colorado, but he’s come back now. He molested me when we were younger and he tried to attack me once upon a time when we were younger. I don’t trust him and he makes me nervous. I haven’t invited him to my new home because I don’t want him to know where I live. I am worried he will again take advantage of my grandparents. He has stolen from my grandparents as well as my parents to feed his drug addiction and his assorted other bad habits. I am glad that my little sister has moved away for school so I don’t have to worry about him coming over to my parents uninvited and potentially hurting her. He has brought many unwanted and uninvited friends to family events and parties and they are also unscrupulous characters. He just makes me excessively nervous and I worry he could hurt my grandparents who are getting into their elderly years. I don’t even know where in the state he is staying right now and that just makes matters worse for me. I hope one day he just ends up in prison so I can be done being scared.

I have also been rolling around the idea of going back to school, but then I worry about the money since I would have to take out loans, if I would get accepted and if I could even do it after all the time I have spent out of school. I have been thinking about really studying for the GRE and taking the exam again. I want to get in to a good school. I want to do it well if I decide to do it at all. But can I do it? There are a lot of things to think about. I would need a school that provides the degree I am looking for in an online format so I could continue to work. I would have to plan vacations around school and loan payments. I think I could do it, but it would be hard and leave little room for slacking off and my ever increasing bouts on feeling unmotivated. On one hand though.. it might be good to have something additional to focus on. Especially since it doesn’t look like I will be planning a wedding anytime soon. Bobby says I have a long time to wait before we get to that stage. Thankfully though he seems to be still thinking that that’s where we’re headed. Which is s relief. Since we live together, have cars and a cat together, as well as split all the bills. We’re also set to take another cruise together in December.

Money is always an issue that floats about in my brain as well. I don’t feel like I live paycheck to paycheck, but at the end of each month I am convinced that’s what I do. I have been trying to beef up my savings account as well as get all the bills paid and pay off my credit card which shouldn’t have as much on it as it does, but we used it on our last cruise and that got a bit more expensive than I had anticipated. It was well worth it though because we had a wonderful time and I think it really brought us much closer together than either of us had anticipated. I have been trying to follow Dave Ramsey’s approach to getting rid of debt, but I realize I have broken several of the rules so far. I didn’t buy a new car for me, but I did put my name on Bobby’s new truck. So we acquired some more debt through that outlet as well as our house. Although I consider that a necessary investment after the rude people we had to live with in the apartment complex. My mission at the moment is to get my credit card paid off, then get my car paid off, the house is going to literally take years… so I am not even going to put that on my radar, but if we can get my car paid off and his truck, we should be in pretty good shape. Between the two payments, that’s an additional house payment plus some each month (we have expensive tastes and I think it’s causing some problems at this stage, but will be worth it later since our cars won’t have as large of a depreciation once they are paid off). I need a better system on how to pay everything off and keep more money at the end of the month. But I haven’t quite got it figured out just yet. This is part of adulthood that no one prepared me for. I don’t ever remember my parents or grandparents telling me the reason we couldn’t go out all the time was because of all the bills, they just said no.

I know this has been super random, and I am sorry about that. These are just some things I needed to try to get a handle on and get figured out, or at least off of my mind so I can focus on my job for a bit.

Thanks for reading.

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2 thoughts on “Thoughts On (My) Life

  1. Bria, next time you have someone stuck on your mind, pray for them. Just a simple prayer like “Lord Jesus bless her, bless her with grace and peace wherever she is, bless her with a deep relationship with you, bless her spirit, soul and body, BLESS HER LORD!!” Do the same for all his old girlfriends. Every worry that comes to you, turn it into a prayer like that. Do it deliberately as an act of warfare, because that is what is happening–war. The war is waged in our minds. The weapon is not to try to figure it all out, but to simply pray asking the Greater One to bless…and believing He hears your prayer, cos sister, he DOES hear. Jail for the cuz will not fix your fear–begin to pray for him too. Just decide to it-he does not deserve it I know. Pray that same type of prayer for him, an enemy, bless those who use you, pray for those who persecute you…then see what the Lord does in your heart Briakay.

    Liked by 1 person

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