Fear 9. Money

I don’t think this one is hard to understand. I think everyone has this fear unless they’re just literally rich and don’t have to worry about money.

I make enough money at my chosen career to live very comfortably, but I still feel like I live paycheck to paycheck. Between all of my bills and things that have been acquired and require me to pay money each month, I have enough for some fun things and all the groceries I can think of eating, but my savings account could use some help. I don’t have as much in there as I know I should. I need to have enough money in my savings account to pay for at least 1 or 2 months of my bills if something ever happened.

I think part of my problem is that I enjoy going places and doing things. Bobby and I take a lot of vacations, both big and small. We’re prepping right now to go on a cruise out of Florida, which means we have to get flights to Florida. Not to mention we are trying to plan for the excursions and things we want to do while we are in the Bahamas (that’s where we’re going).

Bobby and I made a pact that we would both split the bills in the house. And that’s worked out very well. Apart from his truck payment I made sure that if something ever happened I could pay all of the bills on my own. But he seems to be very happy with me and the house we have together. Although money is still an issue occasionally. That’s one of the only things we fight about.

When we fight about money, it generally comes down to him telling me I am being too generous with my money. I love to give gifts and now that I have the money to give good gifts or gifts that are generally too expensive for the rest of my family to give I enjoy giving them. I like to help my family with things they can’t afford to get for themselves. I’ve sent my parents on a cruise, and I gave my little sister a tablet. I also like to donate to charities and I enjoy spending money on things to make other people happy.

Bobby doesn’t quite understand that sense of giving that I have. He thinks that since I work hard for my money I should keep it.

It’s so strange to me that some coins and pieces of paper are essentially what can make or break you in this whole big world. But here I am cruising into adulthood and the first worry I have every day is “what if I don’t have enough money to get this done? Or that done? Oh wait, I forgot I also needed to do this, or get that..” It’s never ending. It’s a constant circle and a constant fear of not having enough. Not getting enough.

This seems like a silly and totally irrational fear when you read about it, or even when you talk about it, but I know everyone out there has felt it at some point. Whether it was watching your parents struggle to make ends meet, or watching your friends not get to go out because their parents didn’t have enough, maybe it was a lesson you had to learn on your own when you got to college and realized while you were taking advantage of the free education that is public schools, college doesn’t work that way. It’s expensive. That saddles you with loans you will be paying off for YEARS. Although, maybe you coasted through college too and it didn’t hit you until you got your first house or apartment, or the first time a collection agency called you for a loan payment you had forgotten about.. It’s unexpected. It hits randomly at any point in life. For anyone.

Unfortunately, I think this fear is just something that will have to be overcome when material things don’t matter as much, when I get to retirement age and have things paid off, then I can start to worry about the money for my rest of life care, and my end of life care, or perhaps try to plan for funeral costs, lord knows those aren’t cheap either..

And now I realize, it will never go away. It can’t be combatted in a way that makes it winnable. There will always be something that costs money that causes worry, causes stress. You just have to try to plan for it, prepare for it, and be okay with the fact that deep down you did everything you could do to provide for yourself, your family and eventually the rest of the people around you.

Thanks for reading.


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