Fear 11. My Attitude

I have always been a very strong attitudinal person. I love hard. I get angry and when I am angry there is no question. Everyone knows because I wear everything I feel on my sleeves. I am an incredibly emotional person and that comes across in my attitude on the daily.

A lot of people ask why in the world I am afraid of my attitude. It’s strong. It’s easy to red. But it’s also inconvenient if I want to just be alone or hide the way I am feeling. I can’t be indifferent. And that sucks.

On top of that, I can come off as abrasive. I tend to take a humorous side of things that shouldn’t be humorous. And that is not what I want to do at all. When I take a humorous view of things people tend to not take me seriously as well. Which can cause problems. I am in a profession where I need to be taken seriously. My age is already a factor that adds to that, and now my attitude does too.

I feel like I have to try a lot harder to get people to take me seriously. I enjoy my job and my life and some people see that as being immature.

My attitude permeates my entire existence. I have tried to control it and I have gotten better throughout the years but I have a LONG way to go.

How do you tell yourself to stop feeling everything so intensely? Better yet, how to stop reacting to how you feel? All of that is so much a part of me. I know it seems like it’s probably a sill fear, but what if I never get it under control? What kind of effects would that have on me later in life?

What kind of mother would I be if I couldn’t keep my emotions and attitude in check? What if I took everything as an attack on me and my character and I got angry? People questioning my parenting, my child telling me they didn’t like me? My response is my attitude and what if it was bad?

I don’t want to be a terrible person forever. Someone who feels too deeply and reacts to all of those feelings so intensely.

So until then, I will continue to try to overcome this fear and work on controlling it.

Bria

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