Fear 14. My Thoughts

Once again I have come to the realization that I have fallen drastically behind on my 25 fears posts… My 25th birthday is in less than a month!! And I am just now getting around to writing #14.

So let’s go ahead and get right into it. Thoughts. Anyone who has read any of my posts probably knows where this is going. I am afraid of my thoughts. Terrified actually of what goes on in my mind. What scares me even more is the fact that I can’t get away from it.

My thoughts follow me everywhere. And the worst part is they’re not even very nice.

My thought tell me each and everyday how fat I am. How hard it is to love me. How much I don’t deserve my job, or house, or boyfriend. Why I don’t need nice things in my life because it doesn’t change anything. The list goes on. Every moment brings a new thought like that. And there are A LOT of moments in any given day.

I try to make light of my thoughts and how they make me feel. I joke about my thoughts, I try to laugh it off. But in the end all that laughing at myself really does is make me feel worse about my insecurities and having the thoughts in the first place.

Another problem that has come out of laughing at myself is that now other people, even family members, think it’s okay to laugh at me too. And it’s not.

It’s actually very hurtful.

The worst part is that one of the biggest offenders, one of the people that laughs at me the most, is my twin sister.

Now I know she has her own thoughts and emotions she is hiding from, but I don’t feel like making fun of me and mine is the way to make herself feel better.

Fortunately for my family and the other people around me that laugh at me, I can take it. In public.

Now, in private, when I get back home and alone, it’s a little harder.

Again, those thoughts.. I just can’t get away from them.

But at the same time, maybe that isn’t so bad.

They do tend to help me focus on aspects of my life I am lax about. When my thoughts tell me I am fat, I tend to spend more time in the gym.

When my thoughts tell me I can’t do it, I become slightly obsessed and I end up getting it done.

I am not my biggest fan.

In fact, I am not a fan of myself at all when it comes down to it.

But I know I need to work harder at loving myself to be happy in the long run. Happiness is important. Loving myself is important.

Loving myself in order to be happy means overcoming my negative thoughts. Or being able to use them constructively every time, not just sometimes.

So I know this has been a bit of a ramble on my part and I doubt it even started to cover what the concept of fear really is, but I am afraid of what happens inside my head.

I’m afraid of not being able to overcome what happens in my head.

But until I decide I just can’t fight this fight anymore.. I will keep doing what I am doing. Working to love myself more and more.

Until next time,

Brianna

Fear 13. My Drive and Inspiration

So, I am getting closer to my 25th birthday (Just a little over a month!) and I have slowly started to fall behind on my 25 Fears Project. If you know me, you know this is not a surprise. I often procrastinate and then get myself overwhelmed. Or I go full throttle and wear myself out. That is essentially my life in a nutshell. Overwhelmed or worn out. Not often do I actually have an in between setting.

But that being said, it actually lends itself very well to my 13th fear. My drive and inspiration. I guess you could also add my motivation to this list as well. Notice I did not say LOSING my drive, inspiration or motivation. Just those things in general. Those three things have the power to overwhelm me or wear me out or both. Most often, both.

Let’s start with my drive. This is one that most always overwhelms me. I get it into my head that I can do anything. Which is not a bad thing. Until I realize I can’t. Then everything around me comes to a screeching halt and I end up crying in the midst of a panic attack locked in the bathroom in the dark (yes this has happened to me and happens a lot more than I wish it did). Now, my drive and ambition has always been one of the things that has gotten me places. It got me through high school when I didn’t want to do anything, especially live. It got me through college with a chemistry degree even though I was actually not the best chemist. It got me a wonderful job in my field and it kept me going through all of the ups and downs that come with gaining and losing 100+ pounds (and there are A LOT). But when I reach an obstacle that I have convinced myself I can get through or over, and I realize I can’t… I end up absolutely devastated. This happened so many times over the years. When I wanted to play soccer in high school my senior year and ended up working as hard as I could during practice only to ride the bench the entire season. I watched every other senior on the team play our senior night game, all from the bench. I watched my twin captain the team the entire season, from the bench. My drive could not get me onto that field anymore than it could make me fly. The devastation from that put me into therapy for a couple of years. (I had a lot of other issues going on and it wasn’t just that, but that DID NOT help at all.) When I failed my first chemistry class, yes, I failed my major classes, I hit another road block. My drive couldn’t pass that class anymore than I could. But it did leave me with an unnatural and potentially unhealthy obsession with getting my degree in chemistry from that point on. Regardless of whether it was going to kill me or not (and it DID try!). Through all the stress weight just accumulated. I was busy I told myself, I didn’t have time, I didn’t need to lose weight, I was fine. All wrong. When I finally looked in the mirror and realized I was pushing the scale at almost 270 pounds on my 5’4 frame and sitting in a pair of 20 jeans… I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I decided to lose weight. When I dieted and worked out for months on end and only managed to lose 20 pounds.. I hit another road block. It wasn’t fair. My drive couldn’t drop the weight any more than I obviously could not. Another devastation. Another emotional down fall. Another anxiety attack locked in the bathroom. Did I lose my drive? No. I doubled my efforts. I thought I was going to starve on the diet I put myself on, but I was actually just eating normal portions as opposed to supersized fries and cheeseburgers. I have now lost just over 100 pounds and I am rocking a size 12. My fear as far as my drive goes, isn’t so much as losing it, as it is not always being able to manage it. It is a driving force in my life. Has always been and most likely always will be.

And now Inspiration. Such an uplifting word. It has such a positive connotation. After all, who doesn’t want to be inspired?

However, I have found over the course of my life, my inspiration can actually be a downfall for me. And it leads to me being afraid of my inspiration. I can be inspired to help people and then when I find out I can’t follow through, or don’t have the means to do so, it can be hard for me to handle. For example, I found a charity I wanted to raise money for within my church. I organized a drop box for donations, I was organizing transportation to a run for the charity that (I hoped) people from my church would attend with me. I put in months of work and at the end of it all, I had less than 10 people from my church participate in the event with me, and most of the donations for the charity were from my family and I. Now, don’t get me wrong. I raised donations and money for the charity I had chosen to participate with. But I was so let down that I couldn’t transfer my enthusiasm and inspiration for the charity to others. I felt like I had failed not only myself but my charity of choice as well. The charity, however, was beyond tickled to have had the donations and the help. I had also donated water and bananas personally for the event they were hosting. Now, my problem with my inspiration is that I did not see any of the positives that came out of that. I was devastated I couldn’t get more done. Because I was inspired. I wanted the project to work out and be better than it was. Following through on my inspiration can also be hard when I am in a particularly down frame of mind. I may be inspired to do things, to help people, but I will completely lack the willpower to see them through. I have faced that problem a lot while trying to lose weight. I am absolutely inspired to lose weight and be smaller and healthier but sometimes my moods make it really hard for me to follow through on that motivation and get to the gym or to make the right choices when it comes to my eating. Then on some nights, when I know I have been bad that day I just refuse to eat instead of working out. Which is not a good option. I should just eat the bad foods and go to the gym rather than trying to skip my meals and avoid the gym. Again though, sometimes my inspiration and I are just not on the same page.

Last of all we can get into my motivation.  feel like this is a lot like my inspiration. I get inspired and that inspiration motivates my drive to see through things and accomplish whatever it is I have set my mind too. My fear about this is losing my motivation. Since my motivation is the middle sort of spot between my drive and inspiration it’s actually a necessary part of any of my accomplishments. What happens if my motivation just completely dries up one day? Will I ever finish anything? This is a very legitimate fear for me. Because I have such an up and down mind that without any motivation I wouldn’t be able to get anything done or accomplished. I need to keep my motivation. When I lose my motivation I tend to get overwhelmed or just quit whatever it was I had originally set my mind too.

I worry about each of these things individually. I worry about them all together. I worry about things in general. (That’s kind of my thing) I know it probably seems silly or even that it doesn’t make a lot of sense to be afraid of things that have helped me get through life up to this point, but nonetheless, it’s a fear that I have.

Thanks for reading,

Bri