Fear 14. My Thoughts

Once again I have come to the realization that I have fallen drastically behind on my 25 fears posts… My 25th birthday is in less than a month!! And I am just now getting around to writing #14.

So let’s go ahead and get right into it. Thoughts. Anyone who has read any of my posts probably knows where this is going. I am afraid of my thoughts. Terrified actually of what goes on in my mind. What scares me even more is the fact that I can’t get away from it.

My thoughts follow me everywhere. And the worst part is they’re not even very nice.

My thought tell me each and everyday how fat I am. How hard it is to love me. How much I don’t deserve my job, or house, or boyfriend. Why I don’t need nice things in my life because it doesn’t change anything. The list goes on. Every moment brings a new thought like that. And there are A LOT of moments in any given day.

I try to make light of my thoughts and how they make me feel. I joke about my thoughts, I try to laugh it off. But in the end all that laughing at myself really does is make me feel worse about my insecurities and having the thoughts in the first place.

Another problem that has come out of laughing at myself is that now other people, even family members, think it’s okay to laugh at me too. And it’s not.

It’s actually very hurtful.

The worst part is that one of the biggest offenders, one of the people that laughs at me the most, is my twin sister.

Now I know she has her own thoughts and emotions she is hiding from, but I don’t feel like making fun of me and mine is the way to make herself feel better.

Fortunately for my family and the other people around me that laugh at me, I can take it. In public.

Now, in private, when I get back home and alone, it’s a little harder.

Again, those thoughts.. I just can’t get away from them.

But at the same time, maybe that isn’t so bad.

They do tend to help me focus on aspects of my life I am lax about. When my thoughts tell me I am fat, I tend to spend more time in the gym.

When my thoughts tell me I can’t do it, I become slightly obsessed and I end up getting it done.

I am not my biggest fan.

In fact, I am not a fan of myself at all when it comes down to it.

But I know I need to work harder at loving myself to be happy in the long run. Happiness is important. Loving myself is important.

Loving myself in order to be happy means overcoming my negative thoughts. Or being able to use them constructively every time, not just sometimes.

So I know this has been a bit of a ramble on my part and I doubt it even started to cover what the concept of fear really is, but I am afraid of what happens inside my head.

I’m afraid of not being able to overcome what happens in my head.

But until I decide I just can’t fight this fight anymore.. I will keep doing what I am doing. Working to love myself more and more.

Until next time,

Brianna

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