Feeling Blessed

This post is not about any fears I may have. It’s not about all the bad and wrong things happening in this world. It’s simply about how incredibly blessed I am to be here with everything I have right this moment.

I want to take the time today to just say THANK YOU to God, to my family, my boyfriend, and all the people around me who influence me on a daily basis.

I have a great job and I am fortunate to work in a good environment with people who are just incredible. They are Godly and supportive and never hesitate to help me if and when I ask, which is A LOT. Now, don’t get me wrong. There are things that could be complained about, but today I can’t seem to focus on a single one of them. I am happy with my job and all of the people that brings me into contact with.

I am so blessed to have an amazing family. My siblings are awesome. My parents are one step above the rest. I have great grandparents and I have even gained a ton of new family that loves and supports me as well thanks to Bobby. Each and every one of those people that I call and consider to be my family are strong, and smart. Sweet and courageous in their daily lives. They make differences in my life and in the lives of countless others each and every day. They are some of my greatest blessings.

Next up on my (potentially incredibly LONG) list is none other than the person I consider to be the love of my life. Bobby. I can’t even begin to say how much he has changed and blessed me. He loves me unconditionally. Bobby is the first man I have ever known to just accept me and all of my weirdness. He even loves it. He tells me I am goofy and in the next breath says, that’s one of the things I love about you. Not once has he ever asked me to change, although he has inspired me to continue my weight loss and strength training journey. He makes me want to be better. Because even though he is happy, I want to be the best me for him, for us. He prays for and with me. I couldn’t ask for a more complete partner to travel through this crazy life with me. My blessings with him are endless. I am beyond excited to see what the future holds for us, what adventures we’ll get to go on together, and what shenanigans we’ll get into along the way.

And my biggest thank you has to go to God. He has provided all of these wonderful things to a sinner like me. I have made, and still make, so many mistakes on a daily basis. I cuss a little, drink sometimes, and I get jealous just like any other person. I have struggled with anger, I have struggled with loving my neighbors as myself. But he still has provided me this amazing life with all of these wonderful, inspirational people to accompany me along the way. I learn something new every day. I am inspired by something or someone every day. I breathe in life and hope and dreams everyday. I am so incredibly blessed even when I don’t see it.

God has provided me a body that functions even when I put it through rigorous workouts, endless diets and stress upon stress. It wakes up every single day to face whatever new challenges I decide to put it through.

God blesses me endlessly with a job that provides an outlet for my knowledge and drive to help people. In return, that job provides me with the finances to eat well, live in a beautiful home and take care of all of my pets. Be it Jax (my cat), my outdoor birds, my indoor fish, or the neighborhood dogs. I am in apposition to help animals in need when I feel pressed to do so, which is always.

God has placed the people I need around me. Support at work, support at home, support within my family, and support within the people I chose as friends. When I look around me, I am constantly being reminded of the blessings I have. But I don’t always see them. In fact, and this shames me to admit, I rarely see them. I am normally so focused on the negatives around me. The bad days at work, the stack of cases I have left to work and my seeming lack of progress, the dissatisfaction I have with my body, the lonely nights when Bobby is away for work.. I generally fail to appreciate that, for one, I have a job, bad days or not, I have things to keep me busy, and that doesn’t mean I haven’t already worked as many cases as I can up to this point, my body performs for me every day and deserves to be praised, even if I see it as flawed in the mirror, and when Bobby is away for work, he is working the job God has provided for him to support our life together.

Blessings are all about perspective. And today, I choose to see them all. Thank you God, thank you family, thank you Bobby, thank you self, for the many many wonderful things you have given me. Today and everyday.



Fear 18. Losing My Family

I know this seems like a one dimensional fear.

Family leaving, as in dying, or relocating away from you.

But what about when you push your family away?

That is the root of this fear for me.

I was in abusive relationships off and on for several years and I learned throughout that process that your family can leave. Worse yet, it was my own fault. I pushed them away. Shut them out.

I lost them.

I did not have a lot of contact, better yet, close contact with my family for at least two years.

I missed so much.

And the more I think about it, they missed a lot too.

I feel like I would have healed a lot faster with their support. But they didn’t know I needed it, and I was too proud to ask.

Don’t get me wrong. I am terrified to lose any of my family. Especially my parents and siblings to death. I’ve lost grandparents, great grandparents, family friends.. I am scared to face life alone. With no family. But I am also scared of losing them while they’re still here.

Which I have found out first-hand is a real thing.

I have always feared loss. Loss of a lot of things. But my family is definitely at the very utmost top of that list.

I think that after having lived through this loss, it will always be at the top of my fears. Especially the longer I am here, the closer I get to more and more people, the larger my family gets.. the more real this fear is for me.



Christmas too soon?

So, I have already started Christmas shopping.

My whole family thinks I have lost my mind. I’ve already got about half of my shopping done.

Now, I know it seems crazy, but I tend to do thoughtful gifts. I like to plan my gifts throughout the year and gather them piece by piece.

I have also found that if I start shopping earlier in the year, I can spend more on each person. Because I am not spending it all at once.

It’s not just my family that thinks I am slightly crazy. Bobby also seems to share that sentiment at times. Like right now in particular since the top of our closet is full of Christmas presents.

The sad part is though, I still have a lot of gifts to buy. There are still a lot of things I haven’t wrapped my head around, idea wise at least.

I have discovered with his family in the picture now, there are  A LOT more things to buy now.

And the family keeps growing.

There are two brand new babies in the family now. Both born within a month.

Plus I have acquired several new nieces and a couple of nephews.

My biggest predicament is that I don’t know that side of the family as well as I’d like and that makes it harder for me to get a kernel of an idea put together for a gift.

I love to think through my gifts. Really get to know the person who is going to receive it.

I can’t be the only person who buys gifts this way right?

I am not one of those people that gives gift cards unless that’s what people specifically ask for.

I try to be personal in my gift giving.

Is anyone else just ready for Christmas to be here?

I love to see people happy when they open a present. Especially a present they weren’t expecting. Or a present they wanted but didn’t realize they wanted.

I love to do things just a little bit different.

So, Merry EARLY Christmas everyone! Happy Christmas planning and shopping!

Fear 17. Being Left

So, I have had my birthday! I am now 25 years old. I did not get my 25 fears finished before my birthday, but I don’t see a reason to stop now. I think this might be therapeutic in a way.

So, my 17th fear, is being left.

Being left can be a lot of things. To me, it’s a lot of different aspects.

Fear is such a big thing. Especially to me. I feel like there are so many ways that fear can show itself and it all depends on who is afraid, what the fear is, and how that fear manifests itself in their life.

Being left. What does that mean to you?

Being left at a location alone?

Being left on your own to solve a problem?

Being left alone by people?

Being left by your peers?

To me, it’s a lot of those things all combined.

I am afraid of being left along in my relationship. Or better yet, my relationship no longer being a relationship since I am in it alone.

It takes a lot for me to come around to depending on someone, in fact, I have tried not to depend on anyone for a long time. But I now depend on Bobby. And that in itself is a fear. Depending on someone who could leave me is terrifying. Fear.

I am not afraid to be alone necessarily. But being alone in public places, it a bit scary for me. I spent a lot of time alone at college football games for a year or so. I had been dating someone who went to school there, and then when we broke up, I still had season tickets. I didn’t want to waste the tickets, so I went to the games alone. Real fear is trying to find a seat, among people who are all there with friends, when you are alone, while simultaneously trying to avoid an ex boyfriend. Fear.

Solving problems. This is what we all go to school for right? To learn about problem solving. So, why would this be a fear? Because I don’t feel confident in my problem solving skills. I am scared to solve problems on my own due to the lack of successful problem solving I have done. At my job, I have been berated to the point of tears while on the job. I no longer feel confident in my problem solving skills. Fear.

So how do you fight a fear like this? Can you even fight a fear like this?

A lot of my fears are seemingly unfounded, but this one is a real and legitimate fear. People leave all the time.

On purpose.

On accident.

How can you overcome a legitimate fear?



What Am I Missing?

I have read two separate articles in the past two days, both about black people being upset about hair.

The first article I read, https://madamenoire.com/712002/happened-daughters-teacher-did-her-hair/, really didn’t make a ton of sense to me. At least, the reason behind the mother’s anger didn’t make a lot of sense. If you read the entire article you will see that the mother is upset for several reasons. One of which is that she doesn’t think her child’s natural hair should have been touched and made to look more “appropriate”. But the other one, is that she has a problem with the teacher doing her child’s hair because the teacher is white, and the child is black.

Now, I can understand her concerns about whose hairbrush was used, and if this hurt the child’s self esteem because maybe the teacher possibly pointed out the child’s messy hair while in front of the entire classroom. But these two things seem to get pushed to the wayside by the unnatural concerns about the fact that the teacher is white.

She even makes a statement about how she wouldn’t have had a problem if the teacher had been black because that would have meant another sister was looking out for her. She feels more strongly about the child being embarrassed because a white woman did her hair, than the fact that she let her child go to school with natural hair and it was put up because her child was hot while playing.

So my question about this is, what did I miss? Why is a white woman doing a black child’s hair a bad thing? The child was hot, the teacher did what she would have done, I assume, for any other child, black or white. The mother makes a lot of statements that make me uncomfortable. Statements like how a white woman just wants to touch black hair, and how she will do her child’s hair from now on so that no white person can ever touch it again.

I know there is a lot of talk lately about race relations in this country. Black Lives Matter and Police Brutality are major issues in the United States, but this to me, is just as important as those things. Black people are upset over everything. Things that I did not even realize you could be upset about.. And before anyone blows up about that, I know that not all black people are upset, but I also know that there are a lot of them that are.

I have had my hair cut by a black person. I have had my hair cut by a man. I don’t see a problem with someone different doing my hair. To be honest, the man actually does the best job cutting my hair. Why is there so much tension about race right now?

The second article I read, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/dear-khloe-cultural-appropriation-of-black-hairstyles_us_57b380cde4b014a587fba07c, was about women who are not black wearing black hairstyles. This too has apparently sparked an outrage. But why?

People have fought for many many years in this country to be the same. To be unified. To be integrated. Why are things like hair styles and skin color changing their minds? Because in this article they don’t want anyone who hasn’t “earned” the right to wear a black hairstyle to wear it.

How do you earn it? Well according to the article you have to be black.

Now, I am a Native American. I have a Caucasian father. I have family that has married into all sorts of different ethnicities. I don’t understand the problem with sharing cultures. I don’t see the problem with someone of a particular culture sharing something from a different culture.

Sharing cultural information is how civilizations have functioned for thousands of years. By sharing things like technology, people, knowledge, food.. You get a lot of cultural advances. Without cultures sharing food, the pilgrims wouldn’t have survived coming into America, without the sharing of knowledge and technology, the ancient civilizations like the Maya and the Aztec wouldn’t have the vast astronomical knowledge they had, or the technology to build their pyramids with such precision. Without the help of slaves, yes, I said slaves, the ancient Egyptians wouldn’t have the pyramids, and the Americans wouldn’t have had the vast cultivation that came with cotton and tobacco farming. But, without the slaves, yes, I said it again, those cultures, American, and Egyptian wouldn’t have the diversity in their bloodlines either.

So much has come out of sharing. Some of it great. Some of it not so great. But we keep moving forward. We try to learn from cultural mistakes and move on. Have we always done this effectively? Nope. We still had some segregation in the Americas, there are still cultures that aren’t as advanced as others, but why would we get to this point just to move backwards?

Because to me, it feels like this issue, the hair, is a step in the wrong direction. Taking every little thing to heart and wanting to keep things separate is not progress. It’s not cultural preservation. It’s segregation.

The thing we fought to be done with.

We all wanted to be one group of people. One nation. Americans. And now we don’t want that anymore. We want black people to be black, and only have their culture. White people should just be white and not borrow from the black culture.

There are so many double standards involved.

So what am I missing?

Where did we go so wrong that this seems like the only option for cultural preservation?

When did we have to EARN a hairstyle!?

As I sit here, my Native American self wearing my hair in a braid, I can’t help but wonder who would be upset right now.

I don’t have a headdress. I am not wearing a ribbon dress. I am not in traditional native attire. But am I borrowing a style? Is my hair another cultures? Did I EARN my right to wear these clothes? To have my hair in a braid? Did I EARN the right to have my skin look like this? To have my hair be this color?

Why do I have to EARN the way I look? The way I choose to dress? What is happening in this world?

What am I missing?


Fear 15. Being a Disappointment

Well here we go then, I was trying to do everything in order and turns out I missed this one.

This one isn’t a big surprise if you have read any of the rest of mine. And I guess it kind of makes sense that I missed this one and got it all out of order.

Being a disappointment.

There are so many ways that this can be interpreted.

I am constantly in fear of being a let down. To my parents. To Bobby. To my bosses. To my family. To myself.

I often feel like I am a consistent disappointment.

I don’t ever feel like I am at the weight I need to be at, or that I am functioning at the level I need to be functioning at. I feel like I fail constantly.

I feel like I am always letting someone down. Mostly myself.

I don’t ever feel like I am good enough.

Personal problem? Or Fear? I don’t know. But it sure feels like a fear.

No one wants to feel  like a constant failure.

Even with therapy for several years, this remains a consistent fear for me.

Maybe some day it will dissipate or maybe even go away entirely.

But not today.

Fear 16. Failing

Oh lord, here I am behind again. I am only on Fear 16, when my 25th birthday is in 15 days.

Behind. Again.

And what a perfect day for this fear to be out here after my post yesterday.


Failing at what? Everything.

That’s my fear.

Failing at my job.

Failing at my relationship.

Failing at my finances.

Failing at my fitness plan.

Failing in general.

There are so many things that I could fail at. And I feel like it’s a constant battle to not fail at one, let alone all of them.

I don’t feel like I have the capacity to stop from failing at this point..

Because it feels like that’s all I am able to do. I’ve been failing daily. These battles are getting harder and harder to fight.

I am slowly running out of self-esteem. I am slowly running out of energy. Out of the will to keep fighting.

I am feeling really down today so this fear feels like it’s really happening right now. It doesn’t just feel like a fear anymore. It feels like reality.

This feels like my life.

Doomed to fail for the rest of forever.

Oh lord.. looking back at this post all I can think is that this is one of the more depressing posts I have written.

Here’s to hoping this fear is just feeling like a mountain instead of a molehill today.

Fingers crossed this fear doesn’t overwhelm me.

Today or any other day.



Boo for Today

So, today I one of those days that comes around every once in awhile and you just kinda look at it and think.. WHY!?

Today has been awful.

And that has really got me down. Like.. below the basement, subway systems, maybe past the Earth’s core.. I am deep into the darkness today.

I hate feeling this way. Like I screwed everything up. I do a really good job most days, today just didn’t happen to be one of them. However, even knowing that, has not stopped my thought processes on how much today sucks. Or how bad things around me are. Or even worse, how bad they are BECAUSE of me.

Today was a big day for my office, internal audit. Did we have any major findings? Nope! We as an office overall are great! But the majority of the little things found, granted they are all found by the same person, someone who just so happens to make my life hard, are my fault.

My. Fault.

I don’t feel like I can do anything right. I was so down about the berating I received from her that I started to look at other job options, until it hit me, if I am messing up here with months (years) of training, then I will most definitely mess up there. Do I want to force someone else to have to deal with me and my lack of professional know-how? Is that fair?


So, here I sit. At my office computer, trying not to cry while writing about the lack of knowledge I really do possess in regards to my position. I feel about as useful as rain underwater.

Which in short is, not useful at all.



A Failure.

That’s what I am today. That’s how I feel today.

I have fought these feelings before, and today looks like another day to do battle.

Too bad I don’t feel like fighting today.

Until next time.