I know this seems like a one dimensional fear.
Family leaving, as in dying, or relocating away from you.
But what about when you push your family away?
That is the root of this fear for me.
I was in abusive relationships off and on for several years and I learned throughout that process that your family can leave. Worse yet, it was my own fault. I pushed them away. Shut them out.
I lost them.
I did not have a lot of contact, better yet, close contact with my family for at least two years.
I missed so much.
And the more I think about it, they missed a lot too.
I feel like I would have healed a lot faster with their support. But they didn’t know I needed it, and I was too proud to ask.
Don’t get me wrong. I am terrified to lose any of my family. Especially my parents and siblings to death. I’ve lost grandparents, great grandparents, family friends.. I am scared to face life alone. With no family. But I am also scared of losing them while they’re still here.
Which I have found out first-hand is a real thing.
I have always feared loss. Loss of a lot of things. But my family is definitely at the very utmost top of that list.
I think that after having lived through this loss, it will always be at the top of my fears. Especially the longer I am here, the closer I get to more and more people, the larger my family gets.. the more real this fear is for me.