So Much Stress..

In case the title wasn’t a big enough clue… My life is complete stress right now.

Bobby has gone back to work and so I’m on my own again for a little while.

Before he left, on Monday, he rescued one of the stray dogs in our neighborhood. She had been hit by a car. She was left to die in the middle of the road. She couldn’t move her legs but she managed to crawl/roll into the ditch by the time he went back for her.

He loaded her up and took her to the emergency vet clinic here in town.

She lost a litter of puppies.

She has a broken back.

She still can’t move her back legs..

But she’s fighting. So I am fighting for her. With her.

Bobby and I have talked about it. We’ve resigned ourselves to the possibility that we’ll have to put this poor dog down if she can’t pull through. We’ve resigned ourselves to the fact that regardless of how this plays out and whether or not she pulls through we are going to have a potentially debt inducing veterinary bill. We’ve resigned ourselves with the fact that we may end up with a handicapped dog for the rest of her life.

My parents aren’t thrilled about this situation. They are worried about how much this veterinary bill is going to be. We’re just getting established. We’ve been trying to save for a wedding. For vacation.

And I’ll be honest. I have never loved Bobby more than I do right now. For rescuing a dog who legitimately has no one else.

He and I visited the vet’s office together twice on Monday, and yesterday before he left for work. I went back again yesterday night and today.

She’s made some progress but it’s still a day-by-day situation.

Now, to add in some more stress. We just adopted another rescue. A barely 8 week old puppy. He’s happy and healthy. But he wakes up a lot. Especially in the middle of the night. When Bobby was home, we had a system where he would wear the puppy out during the day so he slept more during the night. But he’s gone now and let’s just say, last night wasn’t a night where the puppy slept all night.

I’ve been trying to balance vet visits, vet bills for the puppy, grocery shopping, working out, and actually making it to work on time (not a strong spot for me on a normal week).

I just feel so overwhelmed. Adding in the tensions from my recent church experiences I just feel pressure to even survive on a daily basis.

I have suffered from some anxiety disorders but I thought I was doing better. I thought I was coping.

Last night I discovered, I am not.

I couldn’t get the puppy to go back to sleep. It was 3:14 in the morning. I had already been up with him twice. So, I took him outside to go potty, and then when I brought him back in, I am ashamed to admit, I yelled at him..

I was so tired. So just.. worn out from all of the things going on in my life.

After I yelled and scared him, I felt terrible. So I sat in the bathroom (where he is staying until he gets potty trained) with him and just cried until he fell back asleep. I played with him and his toys until he got worn out. The last time I looked at my phone before it was time to wake up it was after 4:00 in the morning.

I have intense anxiety about being a parent in the future to a small human. And this entire puppy situation has just reinforced the fact that I don’t think I am going to be a good mom..

I tried to tell Bobby that and he just said he thinks it’ll be easier when he has a job where he stays home all the time. I think that will help but.. again, he won’t be the mother.

As I said. So much stress in my life right now.

So. Much. Stress.

It’s like my anxiety has just come full circle.

I think part of this is due to recently getting off of antibiotics I was on for a severe kidney and bladder infection, which made my hormone birth control less effective. I suffer from PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). The hormonal birth control helps to suppress that. So when it was being counteracted by the antibiotics, I think it set my system out of whack.

And now looking back at that.. I realize I am just making excuses.. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I crack under pressure.

But I do.

So. Much. Stress.

 

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