Losing My Place

So, I don’t know if anyone has read my post about discrimination, but let me offer a short recap: I was asked to no longer take communion or be a part of the worship team due to my secular living arrangements.

At first I was really upset and angry about this. We had a meeting, the Pastor, the Praise leader and myself. And they told me how my secular lifestyle is not good for the church. How people like me are undermining the true biblical principles.

Now, don’t get me wrong, my feelings are hurt. I don’t like being at the center of this sort of discussion. Especially when I can’t even dispute the claims.

Because they’re right. I do have a secular lifestyle. I live with Bobby. We have a house together, cars together, a cat and now a puppy together.

We are together.

I, personally, don’t feel like I am undermining God or his principles. I know that in the Bible he says you shouldn’t have a physical relationship without the benefit of marriage but, we can’t afford to get married right this moment.

We know we will eventually but, I was informed unless we get married immediately, don’t live together, or sign a written contract stating we will cease having any sort of physical relationship, I can no longer maintain my position on the praise team or take communion in the church.

They essentially questioned my commitment to God. They asked me to define how I knew I had been saved because my sin nature should have been hindered if I was REALLY saved.

Now.. I don’t mean to sound hateful but, aren’t Christians supposed to leave the judgment to God?

I don’t condone my lifestyle or choices, but the key word in that is MY lifestyle, MY choices.

I don’t promote the way I live to anyone in the church. I don’t step up and yell at the top of my lungs that I am living with a man!

I don’t hide it either though. I am not above posting things we do together or places we go on Facebook or Instagram. We have taken vacations together, and we’re going to take more. That’s part of a relationship.

I know I live a secular lifestyle. But I don’t feel like I have wronged God. God and I have talked. We’re on the same page.

Is he happy with all of my choices? No. But neither are my parents. It doesn’t mean they don’t love me.

It doesn’t mean anyone has the right to tell me I am not right with God. Or that I am not allowed to sing to God or praise him for all of the wonderful things he has done for me and continues to do for me on a daily basis.

I feel like I am truly blessed by God. Despite my current lifestyle. I’ve had terrible life experiences, in the distant and recent past. I am even struggling currently. But I don’t feel like it’s a result of my life choices or lifestyle. Sometimes bad things just happen to bring you closer to God.

I am choosing to learn and grow from ALL of my experiences, both good and bad.

I don’t know why I felt the need to drag all of this out. I just feel like I have lost my place.

There is nothing I like more than singing to God. I can feel the spirit move through me when I sing. On my own. In church. I hate that that was taken away from me in church, but I am so blessed to still have all of those songs in my head, in my heart for when I need them.

Which is daily.

I will not stop singing. I will not stop praising. Even though I now feel like I can only sing and praise at home on my own.

I have been invited to church here in my hometown through a series of circumstances. I am still trying to get the courage to go.

I am scared.

Scared of going to church.

Scared of being judged for going to church.

Scared of being judged for my lifestyle at church. New or old.

I don’t feel like anyone should be afraid of church. No one should feel like they can’t go to church. Because the isolation I feel right now is devastating.

I just want to go back to church, I just want to feel like I belong. Like I can be comforted by a family that’s bigger than just my immediate family. I just want to feel like I can be there and have my prayers heard and not be judged by the people there.

I just want to feel included. Maybe they’re right and I am not right with God. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so isolated or alone right now.

With Bobby gone though, those people were my friends. My family. I felt good praising God in like company. Now.. I don’t know how many of those people were actually my friends. I don’t know how many of them actually believe in me as a person. I feel like the subject of gossip.. I thought that all ended in high school. Apparently I was wrong.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Because right now I just feel lost.

 

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