Hello cooler weather, sweaters, bonfires and hot chocolate.
Hello beautiful scenery.
Hello cuddle weather.
Hello football season.
What is there to not like about October? What is there to not like about fall? Crisp weather, changing leaves, weather that makes it completely acceptable to cuddle all day, every day.
Fall is a beautiful time of year. Old things fall away and it leaves room for new things to take their place.
Fall is where I always take some time to reflect on who I am. Where I am in my life. Where I want to be. I feel like fall is where I get to really grow as a person.
This fall has been a little bit different.
I have been reflecting on myself, where I am, where I want to go, but this year, I am not happy.
I have been facing some internal questions that are causing me confusion, and disappointment. This isn’t quite where I thought I would be.
And that makes me sad. I have so many wonderful things happening and in my life right now, but I am disappointed with where I am.
I think a lot of this stems from the recent conversations I have had with my former pastor. I am no longer completely satisfied with my “secular” life. I know how Bobby feels about me. I know how much he loves me. I just.. I want more than what we have. I want to be married.
Which is silly. It’s not something that’s ever been a “must-have” for me. Not many people know this about me, but after my first serious boyfriend abused me and left me as a shell of my former self, I told myself that by the time I was 27 if I didn’t have a serious boyfriend, or any remote possibilities of becoming engaged or married or entering into a committed relationship, I was going to undertake the task of becoming a mother on my own.
Now, if any of you have read even some of the things I have posted you know that (now) I am completely terrified of having children in general. But at that point in my life, I was planning on doing it all myself since he mentally berated me to the point I thought I was worthless and no one would want me in the first place.
Now that I have a serious relationship, now that we have all of these “married” things together, like a house, cars, animals.. I have discovered I want it all.. I want to actually be married. I don’t want to do everything alone anymore.
I will be 27 in just a couple of years. I haven’t even reached my personal deadline yet and already I feel like I have fallen behind.
I stay in contact with most of my high school class via social media. The last one of the women I graduated with is now engaged to be married. The rest are all married and most have children.
This weekend I am actually going to a wedding. For one of my younger sister’s friends. She is 20.
There has been so much happening lately. Pregnancy announcements, engagements, wedding anniversaries.. It just makes me wonder where mine is.
I don’t mean to be impatient. I don’t want to rush God’s timing. I trust that he has thought all of this out and brought me to this place in life for a reason. Like I said, I have literally everything I have ever prayed for right now. Marriage wasn’t even on the radar until recently.
However, even my intentions of not being impatient can’t make it easier for me to wait.
I am trying to trust in God. I am trying to trust in his timing. I am trying to see the plan here. I know there must be a reason to make me wait. Whether it’s to prepare me for what marriage will bring, or to prepare me for another challenge that will come instead, I am trying to remain objective. But I want it. And I think wanting it this much is making things worse. Wanting it this much makes patience almost nonexistent.
I wonder sometimes if maybe God isn’t just preparing me. But also preparing him. Bobby is the man I want to spend forever with. But I will be the first to admit, we don’t always see eye-to-eye. We have different personalities. Different wants and needs. It’s taken a lot of time to realize that, for both of us.
One thing he has had to compromise with me on is my need to feel included. He comes from a large family where his parents divorced and remarried and new families emerged with that. Up until just year or so ago, I had only met his mother and step-father. So he has had to go a little outside his comfort zone and socialize with the rest of his family, like his father and step-mother so that I feel comfortable being around them all. It’s hard to be comfortable around someone you have only ever met once…
One thing I have had to compromise on is his need to stay home sometimes. I am a social butterfly. I love to be busy. I love to travel. I love to visit family. His, mine, extended and immediate. He is a homebody. He enjoys being home with just me and the animals. So I have had to work on not making plans when he will be home and letting him manage how he spends his time at home.
We have also had to work together to compromise on who makes plans. I have always been incredibly independent. I make plans, I pay for my own things. I don’t ask for anything if I think I can do it myself. He likes to be involved in plans. He likes to spontaneously take me out, which can’t happen when I have already booked up our time. He enjoys paying for me (he’s very traditional) and when things are expensive that makes me uncomfortable sometimes.
We have both had to learn things. And I know we will probably spend years learning things about the other that we didn’t know going into things despite living together for a year or more now.
So, maybe it’s not just me that needs to get ready. Maybe God is preparing him too.
Hello personal reflection.
Hello to being found lacking this year.
Hello to new chances to be and do better this next year.
Hello to hope.
Hello to patience.