So, I have posted recently about my struggles with my (former?) church.
Short recap, I was told I could no longer hold a position on the worship team because I was living a secular lifestyle. I do understand their reasoning. I live with my boyfriend. We are not married. It makes the church “look bad” to have someone who is obviously sinning in a leadership position.
Recently I tried a new church. It’s a HUGE church. Especially compared to my other church where there is maybe 100 consistent members. This new church has at least several hundred people if not a thousand.. I didn’t feel like I fit in. Mostly because I wasn’t acknowledged in any way shape or form.
Now, at first I thought I wanted to be ignored. To just go to a church where no one knew me and no one was judging my lifestyle or my living arrangements.
But after going, I realized I was lonely. I miss feeling connected. I miss the people I went to church with. Even though I feel absolutely beyond embarrassed that my living arrangements were discussed at length by all of the elders and deacons in the church…
Yesterday I got a message from one of the ladies from my old church. She was telling me how much she missed me and I broke down and cried.. Because I miss her too. I miss the people, even if I don’t think the place was the right one for me.
So, today I am struggling. I am struggling with the idea that I need a new church. I am struggling with the embarrassment I feel regarding my old church. I am ashamed of what has happened with all of this.. My grandparents quit that church, my siblings all quit that church.. Now the only people left from my family that are there are my parents. And I hate that they have to handle all of this for me. I’ve only been back one time on a Wednesday and it took me several weeks before I was willing to do that.
Has anyone ever had to handle something like this before? What do I do?
I don’t feel like my old church is the right environment for me. I am scared to go back. I am nervous. I don’t feel like I broadcast my lifestyle. I wasn’t trying to make it seem like that was a good option, it was just the option Bobby and I could afford. I always thought that I could do more good for the church than my lifestyle choice would bring bad.. I tried to organize events. I tried to get the church out there and make it a better place. I tried my best to live my life right with God. And in my heart I know he is disappointed with my choices as well, but he doesn’t love me any less because of them.
I feel like my relationship with God has been called into question and found wanting. I was scared to go to a new church. I don’t think that anyone should be afraid to go to church. But I was. I still am. I am scared to go back to my old church due to judgment and scared to go to a new church in case someone finds out and they decide they don’t want me there either.
So, where do I go from here? Back to what’s familiar? Even though it’s embarrassing and upsetting to even think about? Do I go somewhere new? Even though I am afraid to make friends or risk judgment there as well?
I don’t want to just.. NOT go anywhere.. But this is slowly killing me inside. Especially when I get messages from the people I miss so much telling me they miss me too. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know if this is a false ending. Or a new beginning.
I don’t know which one I want it to be.
I don’t know..