Browsing History

If you looked at my computer’s browsing history right now, you would see a myriad of things. From destinations for the perfect get-away wedding, to bridal sets and dresses, to thanksgiving food recipes, to miscarriages.

That’s right, even with all of the wonderful things I am planning (like the food) and hoping to plan (the wedding), there is something not so wonderful but just as common in my search history. Miscarriage.

Now, I know I shouldn’t be searching for anything related to children and pregnancy since the wedding hasn’t happened yet, but life is funny that way because it doesn’t care.

Now, let me clarify a few things about why I was searching for information relating to miscarriages..

See, I am on a birth control pill. I am not supposed to be getting pregnant, mainly because I am not ready for children yet and I am not married. So why was I searching for information about miscarriages? Because despite being on an oral contraceptive, and taking precautions with my sex life. I had a miscarriage. At least, according to my doctor I did. Now, did I feel pregnant? Nope. In fact I had just had a period a week or so before. The doctor said it looked like I had had a light period, or some spotting, that was actually a result of implantation taking place. In other words, it wasn’t an actual period, but was the fertilized egg trying to make a home in my uterine wall. But either that failed, or my birth control kicked in and I lost the egg along with my uterine lining in a VERY heavy, week or so late period.

Talk about scary. Even taking excess precautions and an oral contraceptive, I still had a VERY real possibility of a child in my immediate future.

Now, this information was upsetting to me for a variety of reasons.

Number one being that I DO NOT want children right now. I am, in fact, taking every step necessary to prevent a child from being born right now.

Number two being.. My sister, who suffers from PCOS, has been trying to conceive for years now. She’s married and all they want is to start a family. They’re being intentional about things and she can’t keep a baby. She has had multiple miscarriages and with every one she gets closer and closer to a hysterectomy or just losing all basic hope of having a child naturally. For me to ACCIDENTALLY get pregnant before her feels like a betrayal. And that is definitely NOT on my to-do list.

I bet you’re probably reading this and thinking, goodness gracious, she has really lost her mind. Airing all of her personal business on this blog. I’ve talked about sexual assault, mental health, my family, all our business, now this which is EXTREMELY personal. But you know what? I feel better talking about things like this. I am trying to avoid going back to a therapist by essentially airing my feelings and thoughts on here instead. So, thank you all for reading. Even if you do think I am crazy.

I know this probably seems like I am over sharing, but I just want to bring a little bit of attention to the fact that, even though on the outside, where I am happily showing off dresses and bouncing ideas off of my family about whether or not a destination wedding would be fun, inside, there is some severe turmoil. And I know I am not the only one who has felt like this. Like they’re hiding behind the fact that no one knows what’s REALLY going on.

Now, I don’t plan to discuss my miscarriage with Bobby, I think it would upset him, and I don’t plan to discuss my miscarriage with my family. But I do want to put it out there so someone knows. Someone other than my computer.

I want to prove to myself that I am not ashamed of my internal struggles. It’s okay to share the things that are difficult to talk or think about. It’s okay to not have all the right words and to want to wait until you find them before you open up about things that hurt you. Or scare you. Or just make you or the people around you uncomfortable.

I don’t want to hide anymore behind my browsing history. I don’t want to be the only one who knows I am struggling.

So, my final thoughts regarding this particular subject would be, to just find a way to open up. In your own time, in your own way, in your own words. But don’t be ashamed. You may not want to shout it from the rooftops but I know from personal experience that just trying to bottle it all up is harmful.

And with that, I am going to end this post.

Thanks for reading guys.

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