Update on my Crazy

So, I made myself a promise at the beginning of this year that instead of making a “normal” resolution to start 2017 I was going to try to just love myself a little bit more.

Update on how that has been working for me..

I am trying to get my life back on track as far as my diet and exercise. Not because weight loss is a necessity, but because working out and eating healthy make me feel better as a person. Like I have contributed to my overall well-being in some small way that day.

I have been trying to talk better TO myself. In my head, out loud.. I still have A LOT of work to do on that front, but I am still trying.

I have also been trying to talk better ABOUT myself. To myself, to my family, to Bobby. This one has been incredibly hard for me. Because there is so many negative things to say about me, as far as I can tell at least. It’s a work in progress. VERY slow progress. But I haven’t given up on that yet either.

I’ve been trying to work on my confidence. I have been wearing things I wouldn’t normally wear. Trying harder to be comfortable in my own skin. In fact, today I have on a dress I have never worn before. Why? Because I felt like it was too tight, or too this, or too that, all-in-all just not the right look for me. But I have it on today. And you know what, do I still think it’s too tight? Yep. But I feel okay in it. Not fabulous and super excited to be in it, but I needed to step out of my comfort zone, so I did.

Some other developments, I have been busy planning my upcoming wedding! So that’s exciting and new! Stressful just due to the insanity of costs that come with a wedding, but I am so excited to start a new chapter in my life with my favorite person ever.

My family and I have also started meal prepping. We are trying to keep my grandpa in reasonably good health, because he found out not too long ago that he has prostate cancer. So, that’s a struggle for everyone. I know that statistically speaking most men get prostate cancer, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s still my grandpa, especially since I lost one grandma to cancer, and my other grandmother fought and beat cancer. Cancer is scary. Although the meal prep helps. All of the girls in the family get together and plan a menu and a grocery list. Then we go shopping and start our prep. We enjoy each other’s company and get a chance to make healthy options for dinners for a week. We even got my little sister involved.

Speaking of the little sister, her best friend just had her baby. His name is Finn and they are all doing great! Even though little sister’s best friend having a baby was hard on my big sister, who is still struggling with the infertility that comes with PCOS, she has been a great sport about it. And Finn is so cute that it definitely helps.

There seems to be a lot of new babies right now, and engagements, and other things of that nature. Everyone in my generation is certainty moving into the adult phase of life.

Also, Bobby and I got ANOTHER new puppy! This one was a total accident. Diesel is barely 6 months old next month and now we have another 2ish month old puppy named Daisy Mae! She’s absolutely adorable and SO loud… Jax (the cat) is actually adjusting reasonably well all things considered. She is VERY tolerant of both the puppies and she actually seems to enjoy playing with them. They all run through the house like they’re hooligans. Daisy has also already eaten a pair of shoes.. a woman after my own heart.. Needless to say the closet stays closed now.

The little sister, Brooklyn, is also entering into her second (one year left!) year of nursing school! She still loves it so I think she is definitely on the right path for her. She struggles with money because she did go to an expensive school and it’s, naturally, in an expensive area, but we all try to help her out as much as we can.

My brother, Bradley, is getting ready to go back to STATE (again!) for the second year in a row to see if his Academic Team can bring home the title. That’s in just a couple of weeks actually… It’s crazy to me to think he graduates high school in just a few months. He’s always been the baby and now he is moving out of childhood right in front of me. Lucky for me though he is going to school right down the road from me at my Alma Mater! I fully plan on taking him to lunch at least once a month or week, or maybe everyday.. Kidding. Kind of.

There really has just been SO much going on lately. I know a quick update like this one probably doesn’t even have half of the things that I have going on in my life right now mentioned in it, but it’s a good start.

Until next time!

New Year Update

So, I told myself I was going to try to be nicer to myself this year. Try to love myself more.

And I am (semi)happy to report, I have been TRYING. Is it successful? Not always.

But I haven’t given up yet. So that’s progress.

Now, has the year been running smoothly? Not even close.

My parents and pretty much the entire rest of my family went on vacation for a week. This wasn’t a bad thing. They all needed to get away, but since I had already been on my vacation I was in charge of house/dog sitting.

It wasn’t terrible, but it was a real strain on my nerves. 6 giant dogs, the smallest being a Bassett Hound, plus cows, chickens, and a couple of cats. It got to be A LOT to deal with by Thursday or so. But it’s done! They all had a wonderful time and now everyone has taken their critters to their own homes.

However, I found out after they all get back, completely on accident, I might add, that the EX BEST FRIEND (mentioned in several posts) INVITED HERSELF ALONG!!!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I was sad I had already planned and paid for a vacation in December last year, but NOT after hearing that! I can only credit it to divine intervention that I was not on that trip.

So here’s what went down.

The EX best friend still talks to my sister (I don’t know why in the world, my twin decided to be Switzerland in our.. downfall) and apparently she figured out which cruise they were going on based on where Brittany said they were going and when they would be leaving. So what did she do?

BOOKED A ROOM ON THE SAME BOAT.

Am I the only one who thinks that, not only is that incredibly rude, but also CRAZY.

Who just invites themselves to a family vacation? Especially when it’s not even THEIR family going? It’s not even like she offered to pay for anything.

Because, that’s another thing that happened. She didn’t pay for any gas to get to the port. She didn’t pay any money towards the hotel room(s) they all stayed in when they got to port before they left. She didn’t pay for any food on the way down there or back.

Now, I think all of this could have been avoided if my parents or sister had just believed me years ago when I told them she was a mean and crazy person, but no, they didn’t believe me. So they’re out like.. $600 at least just in money she could have, but didn’t, contribute.

Now, I have written about my family a lot, but I don’t know if I have ever mentioned that my parents aren’t exactly “well-off”. My dad’s a firefighter. My mom works a job for just above minimum wage. They have one kid in college and one finishing up high school. Neither of which equals having extra money to spare.

Some background on the EX best friend’s finances. She has never had to get a job or work, because her parents pay for everything. Parents she hates by the way. Even though they bought her a brand new truck, which she doesn’t pay for, they pay for her phone, her gas, anything she asks for, and they paid for her schooling at a large university when she didn’t get any scholarships to cover the tuition. I would also like to add she went to school for almost 8 years.. on their dime. Her parents both make over $100,000 a year with two grown kids. Both of whom still live with them.. Enough about that though. Now I am sounding bitter.

I probably wouldn’t harp so much on things like that, but she always made it a point to say that my parents always paid for and proceeded to hand me everything.

I would like to insert here, that I worked all the way through school, because it took me five years and my scholarship ended after 4. I bought my own car, and paid for my apartment.

Again, time to switch the subject. Bitter. Me. Yes.

Anyways, so the fact that she didn’t bother to pay for anything was rude, she has been around my family, she knows they aren’t as well off as hers. Like it wasn’t rude enough to invite herself on a FAMILY vacation…

Needless to say, it’s been a slightly bumpy start to the New Year.

So what does this have to do with me? My half-ass resolution? Probably not a damn thing.

But I do know this, it’s so much harder to even consider loving the person I am, when I am being reminded of my past.

You might be wondering what I am talking about with that.

The EX best friend is very small. Petite. I am not. She NEVER let me forget that fact. In fact, when she sent naked photos to my fiancé, she made it a point to remind him of that. She told him she was smaller and what he deserved. Asked him if he really wanted to be dating a “fat bitch” like me. Keep in mind, at that point in time, we were FRIENDS. BEST FRIENDS. And for some reason she still can’t see where the friendship went wrong…

This entire situation has been like one giant flashback.

Terrible.

The only positive that came with this entire situation is that now my parents don’t think I am entirely crazy about ending a 10 year friendship. Mainly due to some of the things she did while they were gone.

Like wanting to take selfies with everyone there and send them to me to let me know that she was on vacation with them when I wasn’t. Which is just rude. But also immature.

I think this is going to be a raw wound for quite some time. I’ll try to maintain updates on my resolution and this fiasco of a situation.

Resolution

So, I don’t normally start my New Year with a Resolution, but this year, I feel like I really need too.

It’s not going to be one of those regular resolutions where you vow to go to the gym 3 days a week, or lose 20 pounds! But, it is something I have struggled with for a really long time.

My resolution this year is to love myself. Or at least work on loving myself.

I have struggled with loving myself for YEARS. As long as I can remember I have hated myself.

There have always been things about my body, my mind, myself in general, that I dislike, hate is not too strong of a word.

So, this year, I am going to try my best to love myself. To see some positive things about myself. To work hard and appreciate what my body does and can do.

I didn’t want to make a resolution to go to the gym, because I have already been going to the gym (reasonably) consistently.

And I didn’t want to make a resolution that revolves around a number, because I have discovered (through past attempts) that that type of resolution doesn’t work. And when the number isn’t realized, it feels devastating and the cycle of self hate starts all over again. I don’t want to fall back into that pattern this year.

Do I have goals for this year that revolve around my weight and my appearance? Of course, but that’s all they are. Goals. Not requirements, not things that HAVE to be done. Just things to work towards, this year, and in the future.

Some of my goals include finding and fitting into the perfect wedding dress for my wedding later this year (That’s right! I got ENGAGED!), I also want to work on my money management.

Budgeting is not my favorite thing, I actually am really not very good at all when it comes to managing my money. So I would like to make it a goal to be better with money, especially with a wedding on the way.

Do I want to lose weight? Of course I do. I think everyone does. But I am going to focus on other things first instead of making that a priority.

Do I want to make more money? Of course. Everyone wants that too. But I am comfortable in my job. I make enough money to live very comfortably on, so now I need to just learn to budget it.

Most importantly, I want to learn to love myself. I NEED to learn that.

So, here’s to 2017.