The Stressful Life I Lead

Lord have mercy, this has been a crazy time. A crazy year thus far. Where to start..

Well, I guess we can start with me. Bobby and I have not made any progress on our wedding planning, although we have made the decision that we would like to get married in Las Vegas. Other than that though.. we seem to be at a stand still. It’s slightly disheartening to have made such little progress since it’s such a large part of our lives that we are planning to embark on. Other than that, things have been a bit stressful at work. Communication problems are what we are calling it, essentially, it’s me getting bullied by my boss. I’ve had multiple meetings regarding this lately and tomorrow it looks like it’s going to come to a close since I have a meeting with my boss and her boss. We will see how things go. I am a bit nervous about it, but I know this needs to happen. This needs to be a stepping stone, a way to move forward from where we are. I plan to make my job into a career, and that requires an environment I feel comfortable coming too in order to work. I would like to stay here until requirement, and I am desperately looking forward to making things a little bit better. I don’t need a perfect environment, but I would like it to not be as tense as it is right now, because this doesn’t feel like a healthy place for me right now. I am willing to make any changes necessary to make it a better place to be for the rest of the time I plan to work here.

Let’s move on to my sister, Brittany. She had her mole/skin tag removed, and it has been biopsied. She found out the cells are precancerous. They think they got them all, but they’re going to continue monitoring it and the rest of her moles/skin tags to make sure they aren’t precancerous as well. I am just beyond stressed about this entire thing. It breaks my heart to think that my sister is going through PCOS, through trouble trying to have a baby, and all of this precancerous madness at the same time.. It just doesn’t seem fair. I wish that things could be easier for her. Just this once.

Now we can move on to my parents. My dad has officially retired. He turned in his bunker gear and he is officially done. He is now a nervous wreck, which is worrying the rest of us a little bit. He has never NOT been working. Since he was 14 or 15 he has always had a job. He is already planning on starting a second career very soon, but for now he is worried about it. I think we are going to plan a big party though to try to set his mind a little bit at ease.

My brother did get a full-ride+ scholarship, but it’s through the honor’s college and he isn’t happy about it. He is really stressing about going through the Honor’s College, he just wanted to go to college without any extra or added course work. I think this is a good opportunity for him, but I know he doesn’t see it that way. I love my brother, and he is beyond brilliant, but he is also lazy and tends to have a sense of entitlement. I just hope he realizes what amazing things can happen and come from being in college, applying yourself in college. It’s such a huge time of growth and personal change. I want him to be open to those things. I want him to experience the magic of college that I did. To make friends and to encourage and grow those friendships and himself as a person. We will see how things turn out. Thankfully he is going to school in the same town where I live, I don’t want to helicopter, but I will probably try to take him to lunch a few times a month and see how things are going.

I know all of this stuff probably seems simple and stupid to some people, but part of anxiety is that all of these things are.. monumental in my brain. So I am just trying to move forward without having an anxiety attack about it all.


My Surreal Feels

So, I had a moment over this past weekend where I didn’t know what to do, or how to feel, and the only word I can think of to describe it is surreal.

If you have read any of my past blog posts, you know a little bit about what happened between me and my parent’s church. They decided, after I had been singing with the praise team for several months, that they didn’t like the way I was living my life. They told my dad, who informed me, that by living with my (now) fiancé, I was a bad influence on the youth on the congregation and asked me to step down from the praise team and get into religious counseling with the pastor to save my spiritual life.. Needless to say, after reflecting on the entire situation, I also met with the pastor and the praise team leader, it was requested that I step down, and I left the praise team and the church. I didn’t feel comfortable there, I felt very judged, I felt very upset about the entire situation and how it was approached.

I didn’t know how I felt and I really needed to do some soul searching to determine if my faith, while I was attending that church, was placed in the people I attended church with, or if my faith was in God. And the results of that soul searching made me a little nervous at first. I enjoyed the community I was involved in. I loved the people there. I LOVED singing.. And when all of that was taken away from me. I really had to lean on God. I really had to pray my way through being rejected by the “family” of Christians I thought I had around me. It was a really hard and devastating time for me. I tried several other churches searching for that feeling of belonging but now I find that trying new churches makes me feel.. incredibly shameful.

I do realize that living with my fiancé is against the bible. I do realize that there are rules in the bible about premarital relationships. I realized that my lifestyle and the traditional biblical lifestyle do not “mesh” well together.. That being said, I feel like church is supposed to be a judgment free zone. Should they offer counsel to people in need of it? Absolutely. But should you judge and condemn the members of your congregation? I don’t think so.. It leads to resentment among members, it leads to anger, it leads to hurt feelings.

So, this Sunday was one of the only other times since last October, when I was asked to leave the worship team, that I have been back to that church. And the entire sermon just.. was surreal for me. The pastor spent the sermon talking about how his (extremely) traditional church is failing. The church consists of an extremely old congregation. My parents are one of the youngest couples there. There are NO youth. NO members under 30. NO children’s church. And he can’t figure out why.

I really had to bite my tongue. Because I can tell him why he doesn’t have any millennial age people attending his church. It’s not that people my age don’t believe in Christianity. It’s not that people my age have problems with the bible. Are we a bit more lax as far as following the traditional biblical rules? Yes. Myself included. But all we really want, is to feel accepted. To feel welcomed at church. No matter what church it happens to be. That’s all I want. To walk into a church and not instantly feel like people are judging me. Like I am unwelcome. Like I am a terrible person just because I made different choices.

I feel like I was pushed out of church. I feel like my generation is being slowly pushed out of church. I feel like you should definitely preach on what you’re called to preach on. But I don’t think you should specifically attack members of your congregation in your sermons when they have confided in you about intimate details of their lives.. Which has happened multiple times at that church.. And it has pushed people away. Not just me. I have watched multiple couples, young adults, youth, and couples with young children leave the church.. It doesn’t feel like a welcoming environment.

I can’t just blame the pastor. The entire congregation is very unwelcoming. They’re all older. They’re all extremely hypocritical. They’re all judgmental.

I am struggling today. I don’t want to be happy that the church is struggling. As a Christian, you want to church to do well. But, I am really having a hard time being gracious towards this church. Towards these members. These people who essentially abandoned me when they “found out” about my lifestyle. I know I am supposed to be upset that they’re struggling, but I’m not..

I need to get a handle on things. But I don’t think it will be today.


March-ing On

So, miraculously I have managed to not post for another month. Hello March. Goodbye March. I can’t believe it’s already almost April. Let’s catch up on what’s been happening since sometime in the middle of February..

Since my last post, Brooklyn, my youngest sister has turned 21. So congratulations to her! Not only that but she and her boyfriend decided they would take some time off last weekend and go boating to just get out of the house for a bit and celebrate on their own. They drove the boat through a giant flock of water turkeys and was going too fast. (Also, didn’t know what a water turkey was, but it’s a real thing..) The water turkeys busted up the boat, shattered the windshield and a piece of the plexi-glass windshield actually flew through the air and cut her hand open. She ended up with two stitches and an exposed tendon. She’s fine though, just missing some skin and clinicals for school since she can’t work in the hospital with an open wound. (She’s in school for nursing right now, and doing exceptionally well actually.) Other than that, that area of life has been reasonably calm. She said she’s had a good birthday and is just ready for her hand to feel better so she can get back to work.

Bradley, my little brother, has turned 18 in all of this. He’s getting ready to graduate in May and we have plans to go to Six Flags that weekend to celebrate. Which is exciting. He has also been playing soccer again which is fun for him. He said he needed to lose some excess weight and this was the way he wanted to lose it. I can’t believe he actually joined soccer again, there’s a back story to why he wasn’t playing, he had disagreed with the coach a few seasons ago and quit soccer to get a part-time job after school instead. I am proud of him though for realizing what he needed to do to be happy with himself and taking that step. He’s been enjoying his time as a senior. He made it to All-State for Academic Team and that’s exciting. He has worked really hard all year and he is so smart. He definitely deserved to make it to All-State. He also got his college scholarship offer for his school of choice and he got a FULL-RIDE! He will get to go to college for free! So that is super exciting! Especially for my parents. They have already had to pay for me, a tiny smidge, and my little sister, also a tiny smidge. But when you have four kids, it’s probably always a concern how much you’re going to have to pay so I am thankful they won’t have to worry about that.

An update on my parents, my dad has officially retired from the fire department after almost 26 years. He seems to be enjoying his time off. He has been working his second job a lot and he likes that too. He has also been playing around in his field with his cows and chickens. They now have the most updated barns and waterers in the world, I am sure about that. Haha! My mom is settling in to her job just fine. Although now they, by they, I mean my dad, are trying to get mom a new job at my dad’s second job. He works at the election office and they’ve got several positions open right now and he wants her to switch jobs to work there instead. It’s a pay raise for her and she could ride with him but I don’t think she is going to do it. She loves my dad, but she’s pretty used to her own time now that she’s been on her own for about 26 years. Lol. I guess time will tell though. For now though, she seems pretty happy where she’s at.

Brittany and her husband seem to be doing alright. If you count owing a bunch of money to taxes, student loans, and adding on a broken water heater as doing alright.. She has definitely had a bit of a rocky start to 2017. Her in-laws are not exactly helping. They’re all tangled up in a big student loan menagerie.. I just do my best to stay out of their relationship with the in-laws. One of these days we will share a set of in-laws and as much as I want their relationship to be good, I don’t want to potentially ruin my own in the process. Brittany is losing weight though! She joined Weight Watchers with me so she can get her weight back on track since they are still trying for a baby. The PCOS has really taken a toll on her, and now she is going to be getting a mole removed to check for skin cancer, this will be her second mole removed that’s been biopsied… I  am trying not to be worried, but that’s my sister… My twin. Of course I am worried. I want her to be okay. I worry about her medically.. She always seems to have a hard time when it comes to doctors and things like that. I wish I knew what to say and how to help but I don’t.

As for an update on me, things are… going. I’m not extremely happy at the moment. I am wanting to plan this wedding but… Bobby isn’t really giving me a lot of forward momentum to make that happen. He doesn’t want to set a date, he doesn’t want to pick a venue, he doesn’t really even want a wedding… He says he just wants to run away to Las Vegas. And that makes me really upset in all honesty. I just want to get the rest of my life started. And I just want him to WANT that too… Some days I don’t feel like he does. He wants to get married, we just are approaching it from different angles and directions. I really thought that getting engaged would make me happier but I feel like it’s just more stress. Maybe we should just run away and get married… On top of all of that, work has been a complete pain in the ass lately. My big supervisor really, REALLY, dislikes me. And she’s making my life really hard. I am trying to be completely unbiased and just accept that she is going to be critical of me, because that’s her job. To make sure I do a good job and that our department and our company produce good results. But in the meantime it makes things difficult.

I don’t know what else to update you on.. My life is a crazy messy whirlwind right now but I can’t think of anything else to add for now.

Until next time.