So, where in the world do I start?! I feel like a lot has happened in the last.. 2 or 3 weeks or so.

I guess we could always start with the diet part of things. I have (for now at least) managed to get back on the weight watchers bandwagon. I am down 5.4 pounds this week so I am pleased and feeling motivated to keep going. So for now I am going to keep counting what I eat, exercising and getting in lot’s of movement. I think today is the first day since Sunday I haven’t been to the gym, and that’s only because the lab is short staffed at the moment and I didn’t want to leave anyone here on their own. Besides, I was planning to run a half-marathon (my 2nd one!) on Saturday but it’s been postponed due to rain. I might see if my fiancé wants to go run the track tonight. We are supposed to be going to watch my brother play soccer.

That in and of itself is a reason to start a new paragraph on updates, my brother recently went to his Academic Team All-State Tournament where his team took 2nd! So not only does he have a state champion ring from last year for Academic Team they won their District this year, lost state but.. he still went to All-State. Only the top 36 students in our state got to go and they did very well. Not only did he win Districts for Academic Team, he also plays tonight in the playoffs for soccer, his team won District Champion for that as well. Which is also exciting. I hope they do well tonight. I think he deserves to have a wonderful senior year. I think it will make up for my terrible senior year!

Another round of updates, my sister has joined weight watchers, this might have been previously mentioned in another post but we are trying this weight loss thing together. We have been swapping recipes and working out together. Training for runs. She even talked to her boss about sponsoring our running so we can do more runs for less money. Which is super exciting when you think about it. One run can cost anywhere from $20 to $70 depending on the distance, the type of race, and location of the run, not to mention who is putting the run on.. She is slowly losing weight now and it’s a wonderful thing for her. She already looks like she has a new lease on life. She is trying to work on her before she and Casey try to work on their potential family. Not only that but her weight loss has spurned Casey to start moving more too and he is losing weight as well. I am keeping them both in my prayers that they can get what they want out of life. Be that a child or not.

Yet another update, like I said, it feels like there has been a lot more time passing by than just a few weeks since my last post.. Bobby has had a birthday! He’s now 26, officially closer to 30 than 20. He seems to be adjusting to it just fine too. He had to work on his actual birthday but he is home this weekend and I have plans to take him and our family out to celebrate. Cake will definitely be included. I just haven’t decided which kind yet. Probably an ice cream cake or a cheesecake. He likes both of those and so does everyone else that I can think of. Not that they really matter since it’s HIS birthday party of course.

I think we have come to an agreement about this whole wedding thing too. Probably part of why it’s easier to be motivated in all honesty.. now that we have some sort of a plan. I think we are going to elope. Legitimately run away and get married in Las Vegas. We are planning for the 4th of July. Always something to do on our big anniversaries that way! Then we may plan for a reception at some later date as well. One that my family and his can attend that takes some of the stress off of us. Not to mention some of the financial burdens.. I don’t want my parents to have to stress out about the cost of a big wedding and reception especially after Brittany and Casey’s wedding.. Casey and Bobby have a gigantic family that makes it difficult to plan anything even remotely intimate which is what Bobby and I are wanting. Now, I wouldn’t have been opposed to a small intimate destination wedding with 20 or 30 people on the beach but even our immediate family couldn’t have stayed under that number of people.. At least with a big reception we have plenty of time to plan and budget and send out invitations to everyone. Parties are always a good time! So now, I have just a couple of months to SECRETLY plan a wedding and spend a ton of money on flights, hotels, and a dress and suit for Bobby and I. I have a ton of plans though on how to make it happen. I know how much I can get round trip airfare and a hotel for a week for, and I have great plans on where to buy a dress and how to get it to and from Las Vegas from.. NOT Las Vegas without it getting messed up.. I think we can do the entire trip for just under $2000. Which isn’t bad to me for a mini vacation AND a wedding.. That’s actually less than we paid for our last cruise so win-win as far as I am concerned!

As for me, I am doing alright, just trying to get through work and keep my motivation for that going strong. I am glad this month is almost over because I could definitely use some time off, or maybe just some time with Bobby being home. Either of those would be nice. Good thing he is home this weekend! I think that’s going to be it for updates from me for now.. I am sure I will post something else soon. Brook is almost done with her semester and Bradley graduates in less than a month, so much craziness happening!


Jumping Back on the Bandwagon

So.. if you saw my last post you know I have really been fighting to get my weight under control or to reach a point where I even wanted to get my decisions (AKA don’t put ALL the food in my mouth..) under control. Well, that moment has happened.

I have been paying for Weight Watchers for almost 18 months now. I was down 21 pounds. Which after being stuck on a plateau for MONTHS was amazing! Well, imagine my extreme heartbreak when I went back to my meeting for the first time in about a month yesterday after steady gains for the last 3 or 4 months… and I am only down 2 pounds from where I started. I have put back on almost 20 pounds. Since December. Well.. maybe October.. I got stressed about the church thing, then I was on vacation and then the holidays.. As you can see, it’s a never ending list of excuses for me.

Needless to say, after yesterday, I had a real eye opening moment. Now, don’t get me wrong. I haven’t completely jumped off the diet bandwagon. I still go to the gym religiously. I still get outside and work out there. But I haven’t watched what I eat in months. And I can feel it. And see it. And clearly the scale can see it too. It was a devastating moment to see that everything I have been working towards has literally slid away. At least for now.

So I got on to myself and decided that I was done with that lifestyle. I guess that’s just what I needed to see. I needed to hit that breaking point. And as terrible as it is/was, I think it will make for a good starting point. There is so much that I could be doing differently. Things I used to do but stopped.

Now, I know that this wedding planning, if it ever gets started… is going to be incredibly stressful, but it would be nice to have some sort of cushion for those bad days. I am not going to get to my goals if I don’t quit being lazy and find some motivation to change my diet. I can’t keep eating chocolate bars, bags of skittles, cake, cookies.. greasy cheeseburgers and fries, pizza.. I need to take control of what I am putting into my body.

Now this is all well and good to say, but can I stick with it? I don’t have any idea. I know I want too. I want to be better about what I am eating. Less stressed every time I go to think about food.

Besides, who am I trying to kid? I want to look good.. I want to be pretty.. I want Bobby to be proud of me. To be happy to show me off. I want to be proud of me.. I want to feel comfortable in my skin.. I have never known that feeling. I am one of the most insecure people in the world. Granted you wouldn’t know that if you were to talk to me. I have a very boisterous and flirty personality. But it hides a lot of pain and insecurities.

I will tell you a story about when Bobby and I first started to get together. We started out as a casual fling type of relationship. We were just hanging out, enjoying a physical relationship, and he was helping me train and lose weight. That was it. He told me to keep dating other people and he would date other people so no one would suspect anything was going on between us. Not exactly a flattering start is it? Well it all came to a screeching halt when he started to seriously date someone. Someone who was NOT me. I wasn’t aware of that until his mother told me. We had still been together throughout that time. So I told him he needed to make a decision, me or her. He couldn’t have us both. And by some miracle, he chose me.

Now, if you’ve made it this far you’re probably wondering what in the world that has to do with getting back on a diet bandwagon. Well let me explain, I lost a LOT of my weight during that point in time. I wanted him to like me. To be proud to be seen with me. To be smaller and prettier than the other girl in the picture.. And it almost became an obsession. So now I am in a near constant fear that he will leave me if I gain too much weight, or if he just one day wakes up and finds me unattractive. Not only that, but he didn’t tell people we were actually together until we had been living together for almost a year. So, you can see where the wanting him to be proud of me comes into play.

I wish I could say that when we get married that fear will go away, but I don’t think it will. I need to work on my relationship with myself and to see if I can get some sort of self confidence back.

I know the way this relationship has started probably sounds a bit sketchy, but I can assure you it has since progressed into an incredibly fulfilling relationship. We are quite happy together. We have a good life. A lot of my insecurity stems from previous relationships as well as how this one started. My first serious boyfriend all the way back in high school was abusive. Told me I wasn’t worth anything and that no one else would want me and I was lucky to have him. Then the next boyfriend, also in high school, was much more interested in anime porn as opposed to any sort of actual relationship outside his computer, talk about that being an ego killer. I couldn’t even compete with Japanese animated girls. Then came Aaron.. My first ever SERIOUS boyfriend. College boyfriend. It was a thing. And it was terrible. There was sexual, mental, verbal and emotional abuse.. It was a never-ending cycle. Until one day he left. I felt so incredibly worthless. That was one of the lowest points in my life. I gained about 100 pounds after that and it was a really dark time.

That’s when my weight shame spiral started. And it has been a roller coaster ever since. I’ve had a lot of issues regarding my weight. I am a twin. Now, I love my sister dearly, but I did not like being the “fat twin” in high school. Or college. And I was. I had a lot of other things going on at that time as well, not just the bad boyfriends, not just the being 40 pounds heavier than her, I had anger problems, I was self-harming, I didn’t enjoy school, I didn’t even have soccer or band as an escape anymore. My sister was a captain of the soccer team our senior year, and I played about 4 minutes the entire season. Including my senior night. Brittany was also the first chair in band, she was in control of our section and I had no choice but to do what she said. Since she was the “more talented” one.

Again, I love my sister, but I had A LOT going on throughout that time. I tried to come into my own in college. We were in different major programs and we made out own friends, but she married her high school sweetheart while I was getting my heart broken again and again.

Looking back at this entire post and it seems to have taken a turn for the strange.. It’s not entirely where I thought it would end up. But I can’t seem to make myself go back and delete anything. I feel like it’s gone where it needed to go. So I think for now I am going to leave it here.

I have gotten back on my diet. Today is day 2 of tracking all of my food and making good choices. Let’s see how long we can make this last.

Until next time.

Weight Struggles

So I have been REALLY struggling here lately to get on any sort of diet band wagon. I work out a lot, and I have a consistent weight, but it’s not the weight I want to be at. And I am having a really hard time finding any sort of motivation to work on my weight.

I have always struggled with my weight, and with my feelings about my weight. I get motivated, then I lose my motivation. It’s always been a see-saw kind of relationship with my motivation. And right now I am on the downward side of that see-saw.

I don’t like where I am on the scale, I don’t like what my body looks like in the mirror, I don’t like how I feel about myself when I can’t stop eating sweets.. but I can’t seem to make the necessary changes in my lifestyle to get things under control.

I feel like I am lacking the right motivating factor to get myself in check. But the problem is, I don’t know what motivating factor I need..

I keep telling myself I am going to bet better about my snacking. Be better about my meals. Be better about what I am putting into my body. I know I want to get married at a smaller, healthier, more fit size than I am right now, but I feel like Bobby is dragging his feet about getting married and it is having a pretty negative affect on me.

I wish I could say that if we set a date it would be easier for me, but I don’t honestly know if that’s true. I FEEL like it is, that I could lose weight or at least be healthier if I knew when I needed to have my weight lost by but.. this is the hardest thing for me.

So, I started this post a couple of days ago.. I thought maybe looking back on it, it would change my mind or thoughts about things, but already this morning I ate a gigantic cinnamon roll and last night I had a giant cheeseburger and a slice of pizza so.. I have apparently not hit food rock bottom. I don’t know what else is going to need to happen here to get myself back on board with a diet..

I haven’t been to a weight watchers meeting in about a month and I haven’t even tracked any of my food in weeks.. I think I am going to try to start back over on Thursday (tomorrow) when my points and whatnot get reset for the week. I just need to stay strong this week. If I can make it a week, I can make it two weeks, then another week, and eventually a month, another month, and another month after that until I get myself back on track.

I know I want to be smaller. I know I want to see another number on the scale. I want to be in a wedding dress no matter what size it comes in and just look beautiful. But I can’t seem to get on that track..

Does anyone have any inspiration for me? Any ideas on how to make this work out? I don’t know what else to do now.

Fingers crossed to getting back on track soon. I need it. For me.

Until then, thank you for hanging around.