So.. if you saw my last post you know I have really been fighting to get my weight under control or to reach a point where I even wanted to get my decisions (AKA don’t put ALL the food in my mouth..) under control. Well, that moment has happened.
I have been paying for Weight Watchers for almost 18 months now. I was down 21 pounds. Which after being stuck on a plateau for MONTHS was amazing! Well, imagine my extreme heartbreak when I went back to my meeting for the first time in about a month yesterday after steady gains for the last 3 or 4 months… and I am only down 2 pounds from where I started. I have put back on almost 20 pounds. Since December. Well.. maybe October.. I got stressed about the church thing, then I was on vacation and then the holidays.. As you can see, it’s a never ending list of excuses for me.
Needless to say, after yesterday, I had a real eye opening moment. Now, don’t get me wrong. I haven’t completely jumped off the diet bandwagon. I still go to the gym religiously. I still get outside and work out there. But I haven’t watched what I eat in months. And I can feel it. And see it. And clearly the scale can see it too. It was a devastating moment to see that everything I have been working towards has literally slid away. At least for now.
So I got on to myself and decided that I was done with that lifestyle. I guess that’s just what I needed to see. I needed to hit that breaking point. And as terrible as it is/was, I think it will make for a good starting point. There is so much that I could be doing differently. Things I used to do but stopped.
Now, I know that this wedding planning, if it ever gets started… is going to be incredibly stressful, but it would be nice to have some sort of cushion for those bad days. I am not going to get to my goals if I don’t quit being lazy and find some motivation to change my diet. I can’t keep eating chocolate bars, bags of skittles, cake, cookies.. greasy cheeseburgers and fries, pizza.. I need to take control of what I am putting into my body.
Now this is all well and good to say, but can I stick with it? I don’t have any idea. I know I want too. I want to be better about what I am eating. Less stressed every time I go to think about food.
Besides, who am I trying to kid? I want to look good.. I want to be pretty.. I want Bobby to be proud of me. To be happy to show me off. I want to be proud of me.. I want to feel comfortable in my skin.. I have never known that feeling. I am one of the most insecure people in the world. Granted you wouldn’t know that if you were to talk to me. I have a very boisterous and flirty personality. But it hides a lot of pain and insecurities.
I will tell you a story about when Bobby and I first started to get together. We started out as a casual fling type of relationship. We were just hanging out, enjoying a physical relationship, and he was helping me train and lose weight. That was it. He told me to keep dating other people and he would date other people so no one would suspect anything was going on between us. Not exactly a flattering start is it? Well it all came to a screeching halt when he started to seriously date someone. Someone who was NOT me. I wasn’t aware of that until his mother told me. We had still been together throughout that time. So I told him he needed to make a decision, me or her. He couldn’t have us both. And by some miracle, he chose me.
Now, if you’ve made it this far you’re probably wondering what in the world that has to do with getting back on a diet bandwagon. Well let me explain, I lost a LOT of my weight during that point in time. I wanted him to like me. To be proud to be seen with me. To be smaller and prettier than the other girl in the picture.. And it almost became an obsession. So now I am in a near constant fear that he will leave me if I gain too much weight, or if he just one day wakes up and finds me unattractive. Not only that, but he didn’t tell people we were actually together until we had been living together for almost a year. So, you can see where the wanting him to be proud of me comes into play.
I wish I could say that when we get married that fear will go away, but I don’t think it will. I need to work on my relationship with myself and to see if I can get some sort of self confidence back.
I know the way this relationship has started probably sounds a bit sketchy, but I can assure you it has since progressed into an incredibly fulfilling relationship. We are quite happy together. We have a good life. A lot of my insecurity stems from previous relationships as well as how this one started. My first serious boyfriend all the way back in high school was abusive. Told me I wasn’t worth anything and that no one else would want me and I was lucky to have him. Then the next boyfriend, also in high school, was much more interested in anime porn as opposed to any sort of actual relationship outside his computer, talk about that being an ego killer. I couldn’t even compete with Japanese animated girls. Then came Aaron.. My first ever SERIOUS boyfriend. College boyfriend. It was a thing. And it was terrible. There was sexual, mental, verbal and emotional abuse.. It was a never-ending cycle. Until one day he left. I felt so incredibly worthless. That was one of the lowest points in my life. I gained about 100 pounds after that and it was a really dark time.
That’s when my weight shame spiral started. And it has been a roller coaster ever since. I’ve had a lot of issues regarding my weight. I am a twin. Now, I love my sister dearly, but I did not like being the “fat twin” in high school. Or college. And I was. I had a lot of other things going on at that time as well, not just the bad boyfriends, not just the being 40 pounds heavier than her, I had anger problems, I was self-harming, I didn’t enjoy school, I didn’t even have soccer or band as an escape anymore. My sister was a captain of the soccer team our senior year, and I played about 4 minutes the entire season. Including my senior night. Brittany was also the first chair in band, she was in control of our section and I had no choice but to do what she said. Since she was the “more talented” one.
Again, I love my sister, but I had A LOT going on throughout that time. I tried to come into my own in college. We were in different major programs and we made out own friends, but she married her high school sweetheart while I was getting my heart broken again and again.
Looking back at this entire post and it seems to have taken a turn for the strange.. It’s not entirely where I thought it would end up. But I can’t seem to make myself go back and delete anything. I feel like it’s gone where it needed to go. So I think for now I am going to leave it here.
I have gotten back on my diet. Today is day 2 of tracking all of my food and making good choices. Let’s see how long we can make this last.
Until next time.